Two Conflicting Theories about Divorce...Till Death Do Us Part or Whatever”

In an earlier blog article, I wrote that the highest divorce rate today appears to be among those married 20 to 40 years. According to Wharton economist, Betty Stevenson, this is termed “gray divorce” with 1/3 of divorces among this group. Stevenson puts an interesting spin on these breakups…….a positive one……using changes in gender roles, more equality, folks living healthier and longer as some of the reasons. In an interview with NPR, she even went so far as to say we should not look at the divorce rate as a failure in marriage, but as a “celebration of life.”

On the other end of the spectrum regarding thinking about divorce is Dr. William Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He criticizes our culture as too quick to divorce. I admit that I am a bit old fashioned too and believe as Doherty does that marriage is a promise/commitment and one’s integrity is involved in honoring that promise. “What’s the meaning of the promise if you don’t bend heaven and earth to keep it,” he says and I couldn’t agree more. I have been married almost 45 years and if I had not valued my marriage commitment as I do, the marriage would have never lasted.

Doherty, who is also a couples therapist, says marriage isn’t about what you are feeling for each other on any given day because on many days, love isn’t even on the top 10 list. He believes that you can’t have a feelings based or consumer marriage whereby as long as your spouse is meeting your needs, you stay and if the cost goes up and rewards go down, you jump ship. We begin to constantly question, “How happy is this marriage making me?” The answer may not be good if we do this. I will even go so far as to say that this view has entered my mind from time to time as well.

In surveys where divorced people are asked why they split, Doherty says that “soft reasons” are rising. Soft reasons are that loving feelings aren’t there, sex isn’t good, we see life so differently, etc. I have always advocated, as does Doherty, that it’s the “hard reasons” that could result in divorce. Hard reasons are things I call deal breakers and include physical/emotional abuse, drug or gambling addiction, chronic infidelity and major lying.

It’s often the soft reasons that confuse my thinking about marriage and my commitment to it. At my age I ask myself, should I spend whatever years I have left in a marriage that causes me stress and angst? Should I become another “gray divorcee”? It is a question that I can’t ask myself on a day to day basis. I must continue to value the promise I made almost 45 years ago and have the integrity to stay committed.