New Year, New Thoughts

It is almost 21 days since the new year and as it is supposed to take that many days to create a habit, I hope that your resolutions for the near year are almost habits. If they aren't, it is time to think about what is important in your life and resolve to work on making your life more healthful and more peaceful. While I have always been an advocate of commitment in relationships and don't often recommend throwing in the towel, I am also a realist. Not all things broken can be fixed and that includes poor relationships. Sometimes you just cut your losses and go on. Hopefully your marriage is still working for you and your spouse. If you are newly married there are many exciting adventures ahead of you. There will be ups and downs and you need to reflect on the ups. Work on the downs, but don't dwell on them. If you have been married for half your life as I have, you understand the importance of constant review of what initially attracted you to your spouse. Certainly, there have been physical changes to partners, but remembering the intrinsic things that drew you to each other can make difficult days less troubling. I am a big believer in deviating from the same old, same old. As a marriage gets more comfortable, so does the marriage get less exciting. Build some excitement in your marriage. Surprise your spouse with doing some new activity, visiting someplace new, or even using different languages of love to speak to each other. If, by some strange circumstance, you have been calling your spouse daddy or your wife mommy, as frequently occurs after children are born, stop that immediately. Your spouse is not your daddy or mommy and you must never confuse that the of husband and wife and daddy and mommy are very different. If you have young children, always remember that you are a couple first, then a daddy and mommy. With being loving partners, your children will never be whole. Children are very intuitive and can "read" how a relationship between daddy and mommy are doing in spite of a parents desire to "keep it from the kids." As Dr. Phil has always said, a bad relationship or marriage changes who kids are. As the child of a dysfunctional marriage, I can tell you first hand that staying together solely for the children does not work. It destroys the essence of childhood and puts stress on tiny shoulders. Arguing in a marriage or relationship is okay........In fact, it is very important. It's how we argue that creates the problems. When the politicians argue or "debate" on TV, it's entertaining and we watch for how fair the people are in their debates. So should watch ourselves for how we debate with our significant other. Are we too controlling, too verbal with negative thoughts, too wanting to be right and have the last word? That's the reason why I have always said that the most important part of a relationship is learning how to communicate. It should be mandatory for all couples getting married and it can make or break the most loving relationship. I mentioned earlier about deviation from the old in a relationship and since Valentine's Day is coming up soon, it is the perfect time to change it up a bit. If you have never given your significant other a nice card, flowers or candy, now is the time to give several cards, dozens of flowers, etc. Plant those flowers or cards all over the house, their place of work.....you get the idea. Instead of just a dinner out, make a hotel reservation, get a babysitter and take a day or two of just being with each other. No children(if you have them), no phone calls or blackberry. This is a new year. Make it your best one yet. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so appreciate today and make it the best for you and your loved ones.