What's your take on these statistics?

In Sunday’s Post and according to a report by scholars and advocates of the Institute for American Values (IAV), the institution of marriage in the U.S. has steadily declined over the past four decades. The U.S. Marriage Index, the brainchild of the President of IAV attempts to quantify the health of marriage in the same way economists use leading indicators to determine the state of the country’s economy.

The index combined five stats:

• Percentage of adults between 20-54 who are married
• Percentage of adults who reported being “very happy” with their marriages
• Percentage of first marriages intact
• Percentage of births to married parents
• Percentage of children living with their own married parents

These stats combined to make up a composite score illustrating the state of America’s nuptial unions. In 1970 that score totaled 76.2 and by 2008, it dropped to 60.3.

Some of the clear cut changes from 1970 to 2008 were as follows:

1. In 1970, 90% of children were born to married parents; in 2008 it was 60%.
2. Of adults between the ages of 20-54, 78.6% were married in 1970; only 57.2% in 2008.
3. In 2008, only 61.2% of first marriages were intact compared to 77.4% in 1970.

Mr. Blankenhorn’s contention in validating these stats and finding them so relevant is his concern that “every single pathology or problem a child can experience—every single one—growing up outside of a married-couple home elevates the risk of experiencing not only emotional or behavioral problems, but of living in poverty. Also increased is a child’s likelihood to engage in premature sexual activity, to use drugs or to commit suicide.”

Blankenhorn also says that increases in divorce and in out-of-wedlock childbirth are the two factors that contributed most to the decline of the health of marriage in the last half century. The U.S. Marriage Index also includes 101 suggestions to strengthen marriage including creating community-base marriage mentoring programs, and encouraging government funding of marriage education.

What do you think of these statistics? Do they concern you?

What reallys counts in a relationship?

Over the many years I have been married and having observed other married persons, I would like to list a few qualities I think are necessary in order to achieve the likihood of a good, healthy relationship.

1. Trustworthiness: Do what you say you are going to do.

2. Respectfulness: Do not hurt the ones you care about with negativity and harsh words.

3. Compassion: Put yourself in another's shoes--the best that you can.

4. Humor: Realize that humor has a definite place in a good relationship.

5. Intimacy: Put down all barriers--if you don't feel safe, you have a problem.

6. Courtesy: Treat someone else as you would like to be treated.

7. Ability to Communicate: If you didn't learn as a child, it's not too late.

8. Responsibility: Be responsible for what you do and say.

9. Forgiveness: Learn to say you are sorry and when you say it, mean it.

10. Helpfulness: Be available to help others -- even when you think they least need it.

Do you have others to add? Please let me know what qualities you believe are necessary to have a successful, happy relationship.

Occasions

What do "occasions" have to do with marriage you ask? Everything! Why? Because occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, etc. are times when we can do something for the people we love. Sure you can do nice things everyday and shouldn't we all? The fact is that we don't. Thus, when holidays and occasions occur, it's nice to celebrate them--no matter how simple.

It doesn't have to be a Hallmark moment either. A handwritten card or note is just perfect as long as it says what you really feel. Ditto for gift giving. No need to spend lots of money to show someone you care about them. Just put thought into whatever you do or give. If you know that your partner has been overworked or stressed, perhaps they need some time off. And, you are available to help out with whatever is needed. Maybe your loved one has wanted you to "do" something out of the ordinary around the house. Offer to do it and see the great reception.

Use occasions to show others that they are not only thought about but cared about. If you have children, set an example for them by celebrating occasions. Let them be part of the card writing and gift selection. In this way, they will keep these traditions alive for their relationships. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving.