Do you know your spouse?

After years dating, living together and even being married, you would think that you "know" your partner pretty well, right? Why is it then, that a spouse may be shocked to discover that the mate has a "secret" obsession, or is engaging in some surprise behavior. Why is it too that after being married for 30+ years, you are stunned one day when your partner says he doesn't love you anymore and wants to move out?

When I was in undergraduate school, I wrote a paper entitled, "You Never Really Know Anyone Completely." After being married over 44 years, I really believe that my premise is true. I believe that there are things that I don't know about my husband and perhaps never will know. And, I am not sure I want to know everything either. Human beings are entitled to keep certain thoughts and feelings to themselves--and no matter how long you have been with a partner, some of these things may not be your business.

If thoughts and feelings are not shared, is that good? Well, that is up for debate. If thoughts are causing havoc or angst in a relationship, then sharing them may be the right course of action. If not, perhaps they should be left alone. If values are at stake, then sharing thoughts and feelings are important. Thus, if a partner is feeling estranged, it's necessary to be an open book. Otherwise, is it not fair.

Some young folks think that their partner should "never" keep any secrets. Sometimes, this faulty thinking causes too much prodding and poking and in itself may cause a bridge between partners. Just as some things are better left unsaid, so it is with thoughts and feelings--unless they will have a negative impact on the relationship.

Truth does have a place in a relationship as does honesty. It is just knowing the right time and place and realizing that you never know anyone completely.