Marriage/Relationships Should Not Hurt Anyone

I am expanding this topic to include relationships other than marriage because there are many families of all kinds--not just those with a piece of paper binding them together.

What hurts in a marriage most is conflict yet it is unavoidable. About sixty percent of all couples face conflict dealing with children, in-laws, money or sex. In the early stages of relationships including marriage, there is a period of infatuation followed by disillusionment and then mature love. It is during the mature love, the people begin to grieve that all of their needs are not being met by their partner. Myths about what a partner should be may still cause anxiety.

Oftentimes couples communicate effectively and honestly to each other and come to compromises as to what is acceptable within the family. How adults deal with conflicts within a relationship is very difficult from a child's perception. This area causes me great concern.

As a child who came from a dysfunctional family where arguing, name calling and shouting were common, let me say that if you are a couple who does this in front of your children....STOP.
It's not about you; it's about how your actions, both verbal and physical, translate to your innocent children. Children don't ask for immature parents and if you fight and argue in front of your children, you are just that.

When a child witnesses fighting at home, they immediately look to blame themselves. This is a natural yet unfortunate response. Children also think that divorce is coming next. Children subjected to a tense, hostile environment become scared and withdrawn. Their social skills with other children became withdrawn. They have a harder time detaching from their parents. Many children, particularly those pulled into the conflict, pick a parent as a ally.

In my growing up years, I formed an ally with my father who I deemed the "victim" in the relationship. My mother was aware of this ally and showed anger at me in very subtle ways.
I had many physiological responses to constant anxiety at home. I was absent from school too often with psychosomatic illnesses. I was fearful of failure and only looked for friends that I could parent.

As a child of fighting parents, I became "hypervigilant" I was aware of everything around me and most of which I saw and heard scared me. Every time, my parent raised their voice, I trembled for fear of what would come next. Would there be a physical altercation or would my father just leave the house (as he did in most occasions). More importantly, I worried about whether he would ever return.

Ironically my parents were married over 60 years and they died married. As a depressed teen, I didn't want to come from a divorced home, but as a young women, I advocated that my mom leave my dad. My parents survived their dysfunctional relationship for too many years and didn't seem to be too affected by it. Me, on the other hand, internalized the stress and became an agoraphobic in my late twenties.

Children deserve to be surrounded by loving and happy parents. If there are conflicts that you know will be resolved, discuss those in privately in a calm, quiet manner. Do not bring your children into minor issues. If you have major issues, take them outside the home to resolve. Meet in a restaurant and discuss over a cup of coffee. Bring in outside professionals to help you. Get a divorce. Just don't hurt those children that didn't ask to be brought into a life of chaos. It changes who they are or will become forever.

Life Goes On, But I Forget Just Why (Edna St. Vincent Millay)

I couldn't miss writing something on such a solemn day as today, the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Just as what families, friends and responders experienced on that horrific day, life can change in a split second. Most of what happens in life is not within our ultimate control and so we need to live every moment to the fullest. We need to forgive and love those close to us as we've never done before.

Mike Flanagan was just 59 when he took his own life last month. He had a loving wife and three children. Mike played for the Baltimore Orioles for many years and won the Cy Young Award as well as a World Series Championship.

Pat Summit was 59 too when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. She was a terrific coach for over 37 years for the Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team. She brought discipline, hardwork and character to Tennessee. She has no plans to step down as coach right now. She has a son.

Julie Schenecker was a loving mother who suffered from depression. Several months ago, she shot and killed her two teenagers. Her son, who was only 13 was killed on his way to his soccer practice because Julie said that he was "too mouthy" that day. Julie continued to her home after killing her son Beau and shot her 16 year old daughter upon entering her home. It was a fatal shot for Calyx too. Julie's husband, a career army officer, was in the Middle East when the killings took place.

So what significance is today in connection with the lives of Mike, Pat and Julie? Tragedy can occur at any time in our lives. Oftentimes, we experience feelings as well as happenings that are inexplainable. Some of us are stronger than others and we need to reach out to those who need a helping hand or just a hug.

Look around at those you love today. Tell them so. Life is so fragile and we aren't promised tomorrow.