Marriage/Relationships Should Not Hurt Anyone

I am expanding this topic to include relationships other than marriage because there are many families of all kinds--not just those with a piece of paper binding them together.

What hurts in a marriage most is conflict yet it is unavoidable. About sixty percent of all couples face conflict dealing with children, in-laws, money or sex. In the early stages of relationships including marriage, there is a period of infatuation followed by disillusionment and then mature love. It is during the mature love, the people begin to grieve that all of their needs are not being met by their partner. Myths about what a partner should be may still cause anxiety.

Oftentimes couples communicate effectively and honestly to each other and come to compromises as to what is acceptable within the family. How adults deal with conflicts within a relationship is very difficult from a child's perception. This area causes me great concern.

As a child who came from a dysfunctional family where arguing, name calling and shouting were common, let me say that if you are a couple who does this in front of your children....STOP.
It's not about you; it's about how your actions, both verbal and physical, translate to your innocent children. Children don't ask for immature parents and if you fight and argue in front of your children, you are just that.

When a child witnesses fighting at home, they immediately look to blame themselves. This is a natural yet unfortunate response. Children also think that divorce is coming next. Children subjected to a tense, hostile environment become scared and withdrawn. Their social skills with other children became withdrawn. They have a harder time detaching from their parents. Many children, particularly those pulled into the conflict, pick a parent as a ally.

In my growing up years, I formed an ally with my father who I deemed the "victim" in the relationship. My mother was aware of this ally and showed anger at me in very subtle ways.
I had many physiological responses to constant anxiety at home. I was absent from school too often with psychosomatic illnesses. I was fearful of failure and only looked for friends that I could parent.

As a child of fighting parents, I became "hypervigilant" I was aware of everything around me and most of which I saw and heard scared me. Every time, my parent raised their voice, I trembled for fear of what would come next. Would there be a physical altercation or would my father just leave the house (as he did in most occasions). More importantly, I worried about whether he would ever return.

Ironically my parents were married over 60 years and they died married. As a depressed teen, I didn't want to come from a divorced home, but as a young women, I advocated that my mom leave my dad. My parents survived their dysfunctional relationship for too many years and didn't seem to be too affected by it. Me, on the other hand, internalized the stress and became an agoraphobic in my late twenties.

Children deserve to be surrounded by loving and happy parents. If there are conflicts that you know will be resolved, discuss those in privately in a calm, quiet manner. Do not bring your children into minor issues. If you have major issues, take them outside the home to resolve. Meet in a restaurant and discuss over a cup of coffee. Bring in outside professionals to help you. Get a divorce. Just don't hurt those children that didn't ask to be brought into a life of chaos. It changes who they are or will become forever.