Marriage Counseling for Better or Worse

Marriage counseling is a difficult process. The New York Times ran an article last week entitled, "In Couple's Therapy, Three's a Crowd." Typically, one spouse drags the other to marriage counseling in hopes of changing their partner, all the while claiming that they are interested in changing their relationship. Sometimes, one of the partners seeks out counseling in order to get a "therapist-endorsed divorce". They believe that they have tried everything to better the relationship and going to the counselor is the last step. If the counselor seeks no help for them and everything else has been tried, divorce is the last resort.

If you think that marriage counseling is difficult for the clients, think about the difficulty in being the therapist! Not only is the counselor basically a bystander, but he/she is supposed to do something constructive among often a very volatile, often hostile environment. Two strong individuals are colliding and the counselor probably aligns more closely and sympathetically with only one client.

Before the early 60's, husbands and wives most commonly sought individual counseling, not couples counseling. The counsel was provided by a medical doctor, social worker or clergy. The mode of conversation was didactic......the counselor spelled out what the person "needed to do". When divorce rates started rising in the late 60's and 70's, the field of marriage therapy took off. As in family therapy, the people within were considered part of the family system and therapists began seeing most couples in pairs. Virginia Satir, considered the "mother of family therapy" claimed that the goal of marriage therapy was "not to maintain the relationship nor to separate the pair but to help each other to take charge of himself." Sadly, who or what is to be saved or taken charge of remains a mystery in some couples therapy practices. Is the client one of the spouses? Both? The relationship?

Marriage therapy sessions require structuring each session carefully. This takes lots of planning and care on the part of the therapist. You never want to get into a session where partners interrupt each other constantly and it becomes nothing more than he said, she said. While I have never personally been in marriage therapy, I did do family counseling in my internship where the marital issues came to the forefront and as a novice, I lost control of the session.

So, if you never need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, have mercy on them! More importantly, have enough respect to keep your blaming, name calling, brown bagging, to a minimum. No doubt, it can be helpful if you have a good therapist, go into the sessions with an open mind and a warm heart.

Better Than Vitamins

Dr. Oz tells us daily what vitamins and supplements we should take to prolong life and deter disease and we listen carefully. Did you know that you can prevent disease by just being married! Having a happy marriage can even extend your life 4 years while an unhappy marriage increases your chances of getting sick by 35%. Buying a vitamin or supplement to be healthier may seem easier than working to make your marriage healthier, but it will never be as rewarding or fun. Don't think I made up these figures......Researchers Verbrugge and House at the University of Michigan have many more stats for your perusal. John Gottman, Ph.D. has a new book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and I can't wait to read it. No matter how good your marriage may be or how bad, you can always learn from a expert.

Unfortunately, as the divorce rate increased, we began to see marriage as a disposable commodity. If one partner wasn't happy or a partner sought change of another, it was easier to call an attorney and move on. However, divorce also has many negatives. Not only is it very expensive in general, but women of divorce suffer a dramatic financial downfall and accompanying change of lifestyle. This is particularly true when children are involved. And, divorce is extremely stressful. There doesn't appear to be a recipe for a perfect divorce.

As I have often said, there are deal breakers in a marriage that warrant divorce such as physical abuse and addiction. The grey line comes in when there is not physical abuse, but emotional abuse. Name calling and belittling have no place in a marriage. The marital state is supposed to be a "safe" haven. Ideally, your partner is your best friend--a person who you can go to when you need advice or help with anything. It is a person who can accept you as you are.....not constantly attempting to correct or change you. A marital state should also be a place where you can let yourself go and be fun with your partner. You can be silly and your strange quirks will accepted.

Marriages are not made of equal parts. Fifty-fifty doesn't exist. Each partner should strive to give the other 100%. You can sometimes fall out of "love" for each other, but you should never fall out of "like" for one another. The latter will become extremely valuable when unforeseen things in a marriage happen such as unemployment, illness, etc. And, we don't always have to love or even like a behavior we see in our spouse, but behavior is something that can be transient. Talk about the behavior, not about the person involved.

Take your vitamins, eat properly, get rest, live a less stressful life, but remember to treat your marriage with the same thoughtfulness and care. You will live longer too.