Marriage Counseling for Better or Worse

Marriage counseling is a difficult process. The New York Times ran an article last week entitled, "In Couple's Therapy, Three's a Crowd." Typically, one spouse drags the other to marriage counseling in hopes of changing their partner, all the while claiming that they are interested in changing their relationship. Sometimes, one of the partners seeks out counseling in order to get a "therapist-endorsed divorce". They believe that they have tried everything to better the relationship and going to the counselor is the last step. If the counselor seeks no help for them and everything else has been tried, divorce is the last resort.

If you think that marriage counseling is difficult for the clients, think about the difficulty in being the therapist! Not only is the counselor basically a bystander, but he/she is supposed to do something constructive among often a very volatile, often hostile environment. Two strong individuals are colliding and the counselor probably aligns more closely and sympathetically with only one client.

Before the early 60's, husbands and wives most commonly sought individual counseling, not couples counseling. The counsel was provided by a medical doctor, social worker or clergy. The mode of conversation was didactic......the counselor spelled out what the person "needed to do". When divorce rates started rising in the late 60's and 70's, the field of marriage therapy took off. As in family therapy, the people within were considered part of the family system and therapists began seeing most couples in pairs. Virginia Satir, considered the "mother of family therapy" claimed that the goal of marriage therapy was "not to maintain the relationship nor to separate the pair but to help each other to take charge of himself." Sadly, who or what is to be saved or taken charge of remains a mystery in some couples therapy practices. Is the client one of the spouses? Both? The relationship?

Marriage therapy sessions require structuring each session carefully. This takes lots of planning and care on the part of the therapist. You never want to get into a session where partners interrupt each other constantly and it becomes nothing more than he said, she said. While I have never personally been in marriage therapy, I did do family counseling in my internship where the marital issues came to the forefront and as a novice, I lost control of the session.

So, if you never need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, have mercy on them! More importantly, have enough respect to keep your blaming, name calling, brown bagging, to a minimum. No doubt, it can be helpful if you have a good therapist, go into the sessions with an open mind and a warm heart.