In January 2016, I will be married for 50 years. It is hard to imagine that at 69 years old, I will have spent more than 50% of my life with the same person. I went straight from my parent's home to my marital home without the chance to mature and live on my own. Don't get me wrong. I wanted to marry my husband. I thought we would be a great match and over the 50 years, we have needless to say, grown together and apart.
Would I suggest that people marry that young? Absolutely not. I would suggest that both bride and groom complete their education and be somewhat secure in a career that over time, would translate into financial stability. Learn all about marriage that you can before you marry. Read books, articles on the subject, and get advice from couples that have been married a long time. What worked for them?
For me, marriage was a commitment that I took very seriously as it should be. When things got tough for us, and believe me, they did. I hung in for various reasons at various times. Granted I had two children too soon in the marriage and I would also suggest NOT doing this. Marriage has enough stresses without adding children. Once you have a child, your marriage will never be the same--even if they leave you as an empty nester. If truth be told, parenthood can mean death to a marriage because it is so stressful. Sure, you are joyful after the birth, but the reality of the responsibility comes into fruition soon thereafter.
Celebrate your union of marriage with good communication skills. This is one of the biggest problems in a marriage and unfortunately a problem with males in particular. Women inherently talk too much and men listen too little. And, the latter may have had little skill in using words to communicate feelings. Women also have a tendency to expect men to "read" their minds. I did this for several years before I realized that the only thing silence brought me was pain and loneliness.
If I had to live my life over again, a very different scenario would exist. But as it is often said, you can't go back. I often ask myself if I was to have a do-over, would I marry the same man again. For the good reasons, I would and for the negatives in our marriage, I would have to say, no. What was important to me almost 50 years ago, is not what is that important today.
Nonetheless, almost 50 years ago I made a commitment and I am still committed today. How I will feel tomorrow, could be entirely different--sad as it may be.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
"Married at First Sight"
Dear Followers,
I have not written on this blog in some time and for that I apologize.
When I found this new TV show, "Married at First Sight", I couldn't resist to share this concept with you. Participants were many, but were nailed down to three couples for this first attempt at presentation on TV. Four professionals were given the task of selecting "couples" who were compatible enough to be married on air, having never even seen or spoken to each other.
All three couples selected were in their 20's and 30's. All were frightened and willing to go along with the marriages, knowing that after 4-5 weeks of marriage, they would have the opportunity to divorce. Nothing would be lost to them upon divorce except having a "marriage" on their personal record.
First couple to marry were an African-American couple in their 30's. Both had places of their own, he in New Jersey and she in Harlem. She had many reasons to have him more into her home and after much trepidation, he agreed to move into New York apartment but he also wanted to keep his New Jersey home just in case. The couple were immediately sexually attracted to each other and had sex right after the wedding vows. That was all well and good, but communication issues seem to be plaguing the woman in particular so whether they stay together remains to be seen.
Second couple were a cute white couple in their 20's. He lived in the Brooklyn area where he was an EMT and soon to be firefighter. They too seemed to be attracted sexually. She lived and worked in New York City so their lives were up in the air deciding where to live since he worked very many long hours. They really want this marriage to work, so they decided it would be best to move into a new place period so they can build a "new" life in a neutral place. So far, so good with them although making time for each other proves to be very difficult with their varying schedules.
Lastly in a couple in their 20's. Both are white and established in their professional lives. She lives by herself and has no family support at all. He has lived with his family and is very close to them. One big obstacle occurred as she walked down the aisle. One look at him and she claimed that she was not attracted to him at all. In fact, at the wedding reception she broke down in tears as she thought about her future with a man like that. Her friends told her to "give it a chance" and she began to have feeling for him because he was so kind and patient. He realized that he would gain nothing if he pushed her to have sex. As of a few weeks of marriage, she says that "he has grown on me" and with his kind ways, she is now kissing and hugging him. Whether they have sex soon and how it impacts the marriage remains to be seen with the "Intimacy" episode coming on tonight.
I do now want to give my opinion of this project for another week or two. Right now, I have my money for couple number two for staying in the marriage. Do you think it is possible to be in a successful marriage that was arranged by only "compatible" measures?
I have not written on this blog in some time and for that I apologize.
When I found this new TV show, "Married at First Sight", I couldn't resist to share this concept with you. Participants were many, but were nailed down to three couples for this first attempt at presentation on TV. Four professionals were given the task of selecting "couples" who were compatible enough to be married on air, having never even seen or spoken to each other.
All three couples selected were in their 20's and 30's. All were frightened and willing to go along with the marriages, knowing that after 4-5 weeks of marriage, they would have the opportunity to divorce. Nothing would be lost to them upon divorce except having a "marriage" on their personal record.
First couple to marry were an African-American couple in their 30's. Both had places of their own, he in New Jersey and she in Harlem. She had many reasons to have him more into her home and after much trepidation, he agreed to move into New York apartment but he also wanted to keep his New Jersey home just in case. The couple were immediately sexually attracted to each other and had sex right after the wedding vows. That was all well and good, but communication issues seem to be plaguing the woman in particular so whether they stay together remains to be seen.
Second couple were a cute white couple in their 20's. He lived in the Brooklyn area where he was an EMT and soon to be firefighter. They too seemed to be attracted sexually. She lived and worked in New York City so their lives were up in the air deciding where to live since he worked very many long hours. They really want this marriage to work, so they decided it would be best to move into a new place period so they can build a "new" life in a neutral place. So far, so good with them although making time for each other proves to be very difficult with their varying schedules.
Lastly in a couple in their 20's. Both are white and established in their professional lives. She lives by herself and has no family support at all. He has lived with his family and is very close to them. One big obstacle occurred as she walked down the aisle. One look at him and she claimed that she was not attracted to him at all. In fact, at the wedding reception she broke down in tears as she thought about her future with a man like that. Her friends told her to "give it a chance" and she began to have feeling for him because he was so kind and patient. He realized that he would gain nothing if he pushed her to have sex. As of a few weeks of marriage, she says that "he has grown on me" and with his kind ways, she is now kissing and hugging him. Whether they have sex soon and how it impacts the marriage remains to be seen with the "Intimacy" episode coming on tonight.
I do now want to give my opinion of this project for another week or two. Right now, I have my money for couple number two for staying in the marriage. Do you think it is possible to be in a successful marriage that was arranged by only "compatible" measures?
Monday, September 16, 2013
Life Everchanging
What happens when your marriage does not feel the same as it did? Over time, things change. Perhaps, you are new parents dividing your time between marriage and parenthood. Suppose you are now an emptynester and the quiet over dinner is awkward and deafening. You look over the table to see your spouse watching TV with the newspaper next to his glass. What happened to the spouse that caused fludders in your stomach when you looked at him/her and a warm and tingling feeling in your genitals just thinking of sex.
What happened over the years to make it all so different. Sure there is the aspect of people growing and changing. Men and women are different so the growing and changing could involve growing apart. Perhaps you are seeing your spouse through binoculars. Every little flaw is brought into clear focus and even the little flaws are evident and somewhat annoying. What you thought was a cute little characteristic is now a pain in the rear. The moodiness, the anger and criticism is hardly recognizable. You wish you were in a dream.
However, you don't wake up and each day is the same. Should you stay or go? Do you know what to do and how to make it better if that is what is agreed upon. Is individual counseling or marriage counseling a good idea? Can we learn how to communicate in a way that works for the two of us without blame and childlike dialogue? What if our paths are too separate now with no conversion possible. What if life will ultimately be a new normal.
Life finds a way to challenge us even when we are "happy" with the status quo.
What happened over the years to make it all so different. Sure there is the aspect of people growing and changing. Men and women are different so the growing and changing could involve growing apart. Perhaps you are seeing your spouse through binoculars. Every little flaw is brought into clear focus and even the little flaws are evident and somewhat annoying. What you thought was a cute little characteristic is now a pain in the rear. The moodiness, the anger and criticism is hardly recognizable. You wish you were in a dream.
However, you don't wake up and each day is the same. Should you stay or go? Do you know what to do and how to make it better if that is what is agreed upon. Is individual counseling or marriage counseling a good idea? Can we learn how to communicate in a way that works for the two of us without blame and childlike dialogue? What if our paths are too separate now with no conversion possible. What if life will ultimately be a new normal.
Life finds a way to challenge us even when we are "happy" with the status quo.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Marriage in the News This Week
Those of us in the "marriage" community were saddened by several things that occurred in the last few weeks. On November 8, we lost a great lady named Peggy Vaughan who presented the idea that even through infidelity one can hang on to a relationship and move from pain to recovery. She was very outspoken about her husband's affair and became an "expert" on extramarital affairs. It was in 1980, on the Phil Donahue Show that she shared the story of her marriage.
Public reaction led her to create the Beyond Affairs Network to help others whose marriages were impacted by infidelity. In 1989, Vaughan published "The Monogamy Myth" which challenged many of the existing attitudes and assumptions about extramarital affairs. In 1991, she and her husband, James, began conducting public seminars for individuals and couples on "recovering from affairs". In 1992, the Vaughans wrote "Making Love Stay," which shared their insights about long-term relationships. In 2010, Peggy began a website called DearPeggy.com which one can view today. Due to charitable donations, her writings are available free of charge.
Dr. Frank Pittman died on November 24th. He wrote a regular column "Ask Dr. Frank" which used to appear in Psychology Today. Dr. Pittman was an active psychiatrist and family therapist in Atlanta from 1962 until his death. During his lifetime, he was a widely quoted author of "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity" and "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy." Infidelity was a central focus of his work. In 2003, Dr. Pittman was recognized with the Smart Marriages Impact Award at the annual conference of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
Pittman was an unusual therapist. He pulled no punches with his patients and he did not believe in a therapist being "neutral." Explaining to people that they need to grow up and act like an adult was nothing new for Frank. My favorite quote of his is, "There's this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable. This is a dangerous belief. The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency." These are the types of wisdom that he imparted to his patients and to the world. We will miss both Peggy Vaughan and Frank Pittman as they contributed so much to make our society a better state.
In the past few weeks, Mayim Blalik, a former actress and proponent of "attachment parenting" announced that he was divorcing her husband of nine years.
She has been on several television shows advocating the principles of attachment theory such as breastfeeding a child well beyond the average age, sharing a bed with your child (starting in infancy) and homeschooling. Earlier this year, Blalik wrote a book on the subject called, "Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way."
While Blalik insists that her pending divorce has nothing to do with her parenting philosophy, I say, bull. Show me a husband who has been displaced in the marital bed by their child and I will show you a dysfunctional husband/wife relationship. It's not just about sex either. A couple can have sex on the kitchen floor! It's much more. It is about intimacy. It is about cuddling with your spouse. It is about quiet time away from the children when you can share conversation and loving feelings. Children will feel loved and cared for when they see their parents loving and caring for each other.
Plus, children need and want separation from their parents. They need to learn to soothe themselves to begin to build confidence. They need their own space to develop away from their parent's breast. Overprotective and constantly doting parents cause a child to doubt their own resourcefulness. I know about this first hand so I feel comfortable saying this.
The best example for children learning how to be in the world is by modeling. Model a loving, respectful marriage and you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson.
Public reaction led her to create the Beyond Affairs Network to help others whose marriages were impacted by infidelity. In 1989, Vaughan published "The Monogamy Myth" which challenged many of the existing attitudes and assumptions about extramarital affairs. In 1991, she and her husband, James, began conducting public seminars for individuals and couples on "recovering from affairs". In 1992, the Vaughans wrote "Making Love Stay," which shared their insights about long-term relationships. In 2010, Peggy began a website called DearPeggy.com which one can view today. Due to charitable donations, her writings are available free of charge.
Dr. Frank Pittman died on November 24th. He wrote a regular column "Ask Dr. Frank" which used to appear in Psychology Today. Dr. Pittman was an active psychiatrist and family therapist in Atlanta from 1962 until his death. During his lifetime, he was a widely quoted author of "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity" and "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy." Infidelity was a central focus of his work. In 2003, Dr. Pittman was recognized with the Smart Marriages Impact Award at the annual conference of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
Pittman was an unusual therapist. He pulled no punches with his patients and he did not believe in a therapist being "neutral." Explaining to people that they need to grow up and act like an adult was nothing new for Frank. My favorite quote of his is, "There's this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable. This is a dangerous belief. The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency." These are the types of wisdom that he imparted to his patients and to the world. We will miss both Peggy Vaughan and Frank Pittman as they contributed so much to make our society a better state.
In the past few weeks, Mayim Blalik, a former actress and proponent of "attachment parenting" announced that he was divorcing her husband of nine years.
She has been on several television shows advocating the principles of attachment theory such as breastfeeding a child well beyond the average age, sharing a bed with your child (starting in infancy) and homeschooling. Earlier this year, Blalik wrote a book on the subject called, "Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way."
While Blalik insists that her pending divorce has nothing to do with her parenting philosophy, I say, bull. Show me a husband who has been displaced in the marital bed by their child and I will show you a dysfunctional husband/wife relationship. It's not just about sex either. A couple can have sex on the kitchen floor! It's much more. It is about intimacy. It is about cuddling with your spouse. It is about quiet time away from the children when you can share conversation and loving feelings. Children will feel loved and cared for when they see their parents loving and caring for each other.
Plus, children need and want separation from their parents. They need to learn to soothe themselves to begin to build confidence. They need their own space to develop away from their parent's breast. Overprotective and constantly doting parents cause a child to doubt their own resourcefulness. I know about this first hand so I feel comfortable saying this.
The best example for children learning how to be in the world is by modeling. Model a loving, respectful marriage and you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Gray Divorce - continued.......
After writing my blog last night and having much trouble with my computer, I decided to add my own "take" today on why I think there is an abundance of folks over 50 divorcing. My comments are not scientific or from written data; they are from my keen observance and sense of humor!
I have many friends who have been married over 35 years and many are over 50 and even over 60. Most, when asked if they would marry the same man again, say YES. However, when I was asked, I said NO. I have been married almost 47 years and am over 60. I have nothing at all against marriage, including my own. But, I am a realist. When I married, I had just turned 19. What did I know about life and what expectations did I have about the future? Plus, like most women I know, time brings change.
I have changed in so many ways since 19. To most, I would be hardly recognizable. To the good man I married, I am grateful for his tolerance and acceptance. Yet, knowing what I know how about life, I would probably not marry him today. This has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. However, I love my husband now much differently than I did at 19.
Thus, when I read about the graying of divorce, I understand the reasons given by professionals as to why this is happening. I also recognize that the reasons below might play into women's decisions to call it quits:
1. Tired of talking and repeating ourselves
2. Intolerant of sharing the remote control
3. Worn out doing the laundry and turning things right side out
4. Realization that getting information about anything is our responsibility
5. Bored with sex and in some cases, waiting for ED drugs to kick in
6. Disgusted with asking driving directions
7. Fed up with being the social director
8. Annoyed with having to be the lead communicator
Add the list above to the "real" list and you can really see why "commitment" and "hard work" are required to stay married over 50.
I have many friends who have been married over 35 years and many are over 50 and even over 60. Most, when asked if they would marry the same man again, say YES. However, when I was asked, I said NO. I have been married almost 47 years and am over 60. I have nothing at all against marriage, including my own. But, I am a realist. When I married, I had just turned 19. What did I know about life and what expectations did I have about the future? Plus, like most women I know, time brings change.
I have changed in so many ways since 19. To most, I would be hardly recognizable. To the good man I married, I am grateful for his tolerance and acceptance. Yet, knowing what I know how about life, I would probably not marry him today. This has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. However, I love my husband now much differently than I did at 19.
Thus, when I read about the graying of divorce, I understand the reasons given by professionals as to why this is happening. I also recognize that the reasons below might play into women's decisions to call it quits:
1. Tired of talking and repeating ourselves
2. Intolerant of sharing the remote control
3. Worn out doing the laundry and turning things right side out
4. Realization that getting information about anything is our responsibility
5. Bored with sex and in some cases, waiting for ED drugs to kick in
6. Disgusted with asking driving directions
7. Fed up with being the social director
8. Annoyed with having to be the lead communicator
Add the list above to the "real" list and you can really see why "commitment" and "hard work" are required to stay married over 50.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Gray Divorce
In 1990, one of ten people getting divorced were over 50. Generally, we have seen Iothe divorce rates decreasing except for the over 50 crowd--hence the term ”gray divorce”. In fact, one in four couples over 50 are getting divorced and according to Professor Brown of Bowling Green State University, research shows that 600,000 people over 50 sought divorce in 2009.
One can only speculate why boomers are divorcing in such numbers. Perhaps one of the following may be a factor:
1. Longer life with an incompatible mate
2. No kids at home to stay together for
3. More working women who are financially stable, and
4. Less stigma regarding divorce
Interestingly enough, it is the women that initiates the divorce. Jay Lebow, a pschologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, says ”if late life divorce were a disease, it would be an epidemic.” Many boomers will go into old age unmarried.
This is so foreign to the generation of my parents. They definitely stayed married for the children......never mind that the dysfunctional relationship caused much angst for the kids. My mother never worked so how was she going to leave the marriage? She was completely dependent on your husband both emotionally and financially. And growing up, I didn't even have a friend whose parents were divorced.
What happened to commitment? What good things come to you without hard work? Maybe my contemporaries are just plain tired of both commitment and hard work. They want to be part of the ”me” generation that their kids know all too well.
As for me, it seems as though I only have questions but no real answers. What do you think?
.
Why are boomers now seeking divorce? One can only specl
One can only speculate why boomers are divorcing in such numbers. Perhaps one of the following may be a factor:
1. Longer life with an incompatible mate
2. No kids at home to stay together for
3. More working women who are financially stable, and
4. Less stigma regarding divorce
Interestingly enough, it is the women that initiates the divorce. Jay Lebow, a pschologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, says ”if late life divorce were a disease, it would be an epidemic.” Many boomers will go into old age unmarried.
This is so foreign to the generation of my parents. They definitely stayed married for the children......never mind that the dysfunctional relationship caused much angst for the kids. My mother never worked so how was she going to leave the marriage? She was completely dependent on your husband both emotionally and financially. And growing up, I didn't even have a friend whose parents were divorced.
What happened to commitment? What good things come to you without hard work? Maybe my contemporaries are just plain tired of both commitment and hard work. They want to be part of the ”me” generation that their kids know all too well.
As for me, it seems as though I only have questions but no real answers. What do you think?
.
Why are boomers now seeking divorce? One can only specl
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Is Your Marriage Hotter Than Hell?
I am on the East Coast and for most of the week, it has been hotter than hell here. I think today was almost as hot as yesterday....around 100-105 degrees. If you had to be outside, I feel for you and if you lost power, like many did, and had to endure this heat without air conditioning, I applaud your stamina and endurance.
Speaking of stamina and endurance, when it's that hot outside, how is it inside? Are you edgy, impatient and sweaty? Does making love and being "close" to a partner, make you even more miserable? I can only speak for women since men's libido is rarely influenced by the weather! Women want to be clean and .mostly dry for our lovemaking sessions so this heat could put a damper on our sex lives. Turn up the fans or air conditioning and give us a cool drink and we should be ready to rumble once again.
And men let's not forget foreplay. No, I don't mean the two second drill before penetration. I mean the nice things that women expect days and hours before lovemaking. You know, nice things like emptying the dishwasher, changing the baby, folding some laundry........... Sure, flowers and perfume, let alone a nice piece of jewelry, can help too. Oh, we want loving words and kind looks along with the help too.
Who knows how many dog days we need to suffer with the heat outside, but we should all know how to make our marriage and relationships hotter than hell. Women have no excuse or free pass either. We think with our heads and not with our genitals so we should know how to heat up a bedroom--even with the temperature set at a cool 73 degrees.
Speaking of stamina and endurance, when it's that hot outside, how is it inside? Are you edgy, impatient and sweaty? Does making love and being "close" to a partner, make you even more miserable? I can only speak for women since men's libido is rarely influenced by the weather! Women want to be clean and .mostly dry for our lovemaking sessions so this heat could put a damper on our sex lives. Turn up the fans or air conditioning and give us a cool drink and we should be ready to rumble once again.
And men let's not forget foreplay. No, I don't mean the two second drill before penetration. I mean the nice things that women expect days and hours before lovemaking. You know, nice things like emptying the dishwasher, changing the baby, folding some laundry........... Sure, flowers and perfume, let alone a nice piece of jewelry, can help too. Oh, we want loving words and kind looks along with the help too.
Who knows how many dog days we need to suffer with the heat outside, but we should all know how to make our marriage and relationships hotter than hell. Women have no excuse or free pass either. We think with our heads and not with our genitals so we should know how to heat up a bedroom--even with the temperature set at a cool 73 degrees.
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