Marriage in the News This Week

Those of us in the "marriage" community were saddened by several things that occurred in the last few weeks. On November 8, we lost a great lady named Peggy Vaughan who presented the idea that even through infidelity one can hang on to a relationship and move from pain to recovery. She was very outspoken about her husband's affair and became an "expert" on extramarital affairs. It was in 1980, on the Phil Donahue Show that she shared the story of her marriage.

Public reaction led her to create the Beyond Affairs Network to help others whose marriages were impacted by infidelity. In 1989, Vaughan published "The Monogamy Myth" which challenged many of the existing attitudes and assumptions about extramarital affairs. In 1991, she and her husband, James, began conducting public seminars for individuals and couples on "recovering from affairs". In 1992, the Vaughans wrote "Making Love Stay," which shared their insights about long-term relationships. In 2010, Peggy began a website called DearPeggy.com which one can view today. Due to charitable donations, her writings are available free of charge.

Dr. Frank Pittman died on November 24th. He wrote a regular column "Ask Dr. Frank" which used to appear in Psychology Today. Dr. Pittman was an active psychiatrist and family therapist in Atlanta from 1962 until his death. During his lifetime, he was a widely quoted author of "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity" and "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy." Infidelity was a central focus of his work. In 2003, Dr. Pittman was recognized with the Smart Marriages Impact Award at the annual conference of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.

Pittman was an unusual therapist. He pulled no punches with his patients and he did not believe in a therapist being "neutral." Explaining to people that they need to grow up and act like an adult was nothing new for Frank. My favorite quote of his is, "There's this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable. This is a dangerous belief. The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency." These are the types of wisdom that he imparted to his patients and to the world. We will miss both Peggy Vaughan and Frank Pittman as they contributed so much to make our society a better state.

In the past few weeks, Mayim Blalik, a former actress and proponent of "attachment parenting" announced that he was divorcing her husband of nine years.
She has been on several television shows advocating the principles of attachment theory such as breastfeeding a child well beyond the average age, sharing a bed with your child (starting in infancy) and homeschooling. Earlier this year, Blalik wrote a book on the subject called, "Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way."

While Blalik insists that her pending divorce has nothing to do with her parenting philosophy, I say, bull. Show me a husband who has been displaced in the marital bed by their child and I will show you a dysfunctional husband/wife relationship. It's not just about sex either. A couple can have sex on the kitchen floor! It's much more. It is about intimacy. It is about cuddling with your spouse. It is about quiet time away from the children when you can share conversation and loving feelings. Children will feel loved and cared for when they see their parents loving and caring for each other.

Plus, children need and want separation from their parents. They need to learn to soothe themselves to begin to build confidence. They need their own space to develop away from their parent's breast. Overprotective and constantly doting parents cause a child to doubt their own resourcefulness. I know about this first hand so I feel comfortable saying this.

The best example for children learning how to be in the world is by modeling. Model a loving, respectful marriage and you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson.