I am going to relate this article to some recent "celebrities" in the news in the past few weeks.
Love Lost - Jon and Kate Gosselin have been in the news a lot in the past several weeks. Stars of their own reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus Eight", the couple who has been married for 10 years recently filed for divorce. Jon was accused of having an affair with a young woman he met at a bar. Voyeurs looking at their relationship have seen Kate as a very opinionated, domineering woman and Jon as a emasculated male with no job or real life. He was married young and shortly thereafter strapped with 8 children and a reality TV show. Neither Jon or Kate knew what to do with all the fame nor all the money that the show brought in.
Love Can't Wait - Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer last week after a valiant 3 year fight. By her side was the love of her life (for 25 years), Ryan O'Neill. She had a son with Ryan although they never married. He spoke about his desire to marry Farrah when and if she could say "I do." Unfortunately, she was too drugged with pain medication to ever recover enough for anything, including getting married.
Love Gone Astray - Surprised we shouldn't be when politicians are caught having extramarital affairs. After all, this activity is as old as time itself. So, when Cong. Sanford was caught last week in Argentina with his mistress when he was supposed to be hiking, it wasn't really big news. This time, we didn't see his wife, Jenny standing beside him as he let America know he made a mistake. However, taxpayers could have been taken aghast when finding out that our money was used for this trip abroad.
What we see here is "love" in various stages of ruin. Sure, these folks were all famous and perhaps we can't even identify with them or their issues. But, we should because these flaws in love and relationships happen everyday and we certainly are not immune. Jon and Kate could and should have taken the moral high road and stopped taping the show to work on their marriage and their commitment for the sake of those eight little children. Farrah and Ryan should have acknowledged their love years before her death. I guess they were too busy with their careers to have time for marriage and commitment also. Time moved on and tragedy prevented their union. Mark and Jenny Sanford needed to work on their marriage for the sake of their 4 kids. We can't keep excusing our politicians from leading a honest, decent relationship with their wives but we do. Love does change and does go through stages, but it should never go through these three stages.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Middle Age Crazies
They say that both men and women go through a mid life crisis. With women, it appears that the mid life crisis usually comes at the time of perimenopause and menopause. With the hormones fluctuating so and estrogen levels lowering, it's no wonder why a woman can go from a pleasant, loving woman to a bitchy, unstable person. Plus, a woman is probably undergoing numerous physical changes due to the hormonal ups and downs. Hot flashes, lack of sleep, bloating, breast soreness and lack of libido can indeed cause problems to both the husband and wife.
So what's with men when they have a mid life crisis? Are their levels of testosterone lowering causing them to feel more insecure and less virile? Is that why men at this time of life want a new sexy sports car or worse yet, some sexy younger woman?
It's really important that within the context of marriage and a functional husband/wife relationship, both partners are aware of changes that come with mid life crises. Tolerance, empathy and understanding are the keys to getting through this period of life. If a husband or wife are feeling less than whole, it's up to the partner to help the other get through this vulnerable time. Even if you want to wring the neck of your partner, step inside their mind. and understand that they may have little control of their emotions. Allow them to express their feelings even if you can't really understand them.
This time of life is a natural occurrence in both men and women. It's how you cope and how you support your spouse through these times that can make the difference in whether your marriage can last and flourish.
So what's with men when they have a mid life crisis? Are their levels of testosterone lowering causing them to feel more insecure and less virile? Is that why men at this time of life want a new sexy sports car or worse yet, some sexy younger woman?
It's really important that within the context of marriage and a functional husband/wife relationship, both partners are aware of changes that come with mid life crises. Tolerance, empathy and understanding are the keys to getting through this period of life. If a husband or wife are feeling less than whole, it's up to the partner to help the other get through this vulnerable time. Even if you want to wring the neck of your partner, step inside their mind. and understand that they may have little control of their emotions. Allow them to express their feelings even if you can't really understand them.
This time of life is a natural occurrence in both men and women. It's how you cope and how you support your spouse through these times that can make the difference in whether your marriage can last and flourish.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Never My Love
The singing group, the Associations, had a good song called "Never My Love". I've been thinking about it for the last two days. The first line goes "you ask me if they'll come a time when I'll grow tired of you." The reprise is "never my love, never my love." This leads me to the wonderment of what constitutes getting tired of someone you love?
Afterall, when you have been married more than half your life like I have and you're pass the half century mark, that's a long time. One gets tired of their cars, their furniture, their hairdo, and many other things, so why not a long, familiar spouse? Sex isn't new or terribly exciting anymore either. You might even be able to finish each other's sentences and if you are lucky enough to be married to a funny person, you probably already know the punchlines to their jokes.
Frankly, getting tired of a spouse after many years is a distinct possibility. In today's society, it appears to be happening earlier and earlier in marriages. Disengagement, disconnection as well as disappointment occurs sooner than later according to divorce statistics. It drives couples apart and who knows why other couples can keep the "d" words at bay. What does it take to keep a marriage interesting, fresh and exciting after decades of familiarity? Or is it really necessary anyway when you are in love and committed to grow old together? After I have been married for 50 years, I'll let you know.
Afterall, when you have been married more than half your life like I have and you're pass the half century mark, that's a long time. One gets tired of their cars, their furniture, their hairdo, and many other things, so why not a long, familiar spouse? Sex isn't new or terribly exciting anymore either. You might even be able to finish each other's sentences and if you are lucky enough to be married to a funny person, you probably already know the punchlines to their jokes.
Frankly, getting tired of a spouse after many years is a distinct possibility. In today's society, it appears to be happening earlier and earlier in marriages. Disengagement, disconnection as well as disappointment occurs sooner than later according to divorce statistics. It drives couples apart and who knows why other couples can keep the "d" words at bay. What does it take to keep a marriage interesting, fresh and exciting after decades of familiarity? Or is it really necessary anyway when you are in love and committed to grow old together? After I have been married for 50 years, I'll let you know.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Is Marriage a 50/50 Deal?
It used to be that sociologists suggested that in order to be successful in marriage, each partner had to give 50%. It was like marriage as a mathematical problem in which if each gives 50/50, the 100% will make everything terrific. In practice, marriage is hardly ever a 50/50 experience. Sure, you might say that if I cook dinner and my husband cleans up, that is a 50/50 deal. However, what if I slaved in the kitchen all day preparing this dinner (which was preceded by a huge grocery store shopping trip) and the clean up was minimal and would take a whole 20 minutes at best? Would this still be a 50/50 mathematical equation that would be equitable for both parties?
Life is not a mathematical expression, other than the fact that we add another year to our lives with each birthday. Marriage is a relationship that doesn't involve math. It involves the needs of both husband and wife. It is doing what works to make the relationship stronger. If you have to "give" 80% on some days while your partner gets by with giving 20%, so what? Therefore, marriage is not a game that requires scorekeeping. In fact, keeping score in a marriage is not good. It's like brownbagging, a term whereby each partner saves up issues (in a bag), to be opened whenever an argument ensues and one partner needs more amunition to win the argument. Neither brownbagging nor keeping score is the healthy thing to do to strengthen a marriage.
The best way for couples to get along without keeping score, is to express in constructive ways what each partner needs--whether it means emotional, physical or financial help. Be gentle and loving with your requests and be appreciative and caring with your responses. Teach your children by example so that they learn that in marriage, as in life, it's not about winning (or scorekeeping); rather it's how you play.
Life is not a mathematical expression, other than the fact that we add another year to our lives with each birthday. Marriage is a relationship that doesn't involve math. It involves the needs of both husband and wife. It is doing what works to make the relationship stronger. If you have to "give" 80% on some days while your partner gets by with giving 20%, so what? Therefore, marriage is not a game that requires scorekeeping. In fact, keeping score in a marriage is not good. It's like brownbagging, a term whereby each partner saves up issues (in a bag), to be opened whenever an argument ensues and one partner needs more amunition to win the argument. Neither brownbagging nor keeping score is the healthy thing to do to strengthen a marriage.
The best way for couples to get along without keeping score, is to express in constructive ways what each partner needs--whether it means emotional, physical or financial help. Be gentle and loving with your requests and be appreciative and caring with your responses. Teach your children by example so that they learn that in marriage, as in life, it's not about winning (or scorekeeping); rather it's how you play.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Value Your Differences
Hopefully, you didn't marry someone just like yourself. I guess you can be happy with someone just like yourself if you love yourself, but that would seem to get boring after several years, wouldn't it? On the other hand, if you are an introvert, let's say, and you married an extrovert, you will never have to suffer with long bouts of silence on a road trip! Long road trips without any conversation can be weird unless you have kids or the radio as your companion.
Consider this, you are a morning person and your spouse is not. You awake cheerful, chatty and ready to face the day. Your spouse is silent, slightly cranky and would like not to have to deal with this morning or any other one. Thus, the cheery mate can make some nice coffee for the cranky one, even crack a joke or two and keep the morning interesting. Eventually, mr. or mrs. cranky can learn that the morning is not such a horrible time of day. In the evening when mrs. cheerful is ready to wind down and conversation and animation slows down, mr. cranky is now happy and eager to please.
The point here is that diversity in marriage can be good. One doesn't have to be so similar as to be boring. You can probably learn lots more from an opposite personality. Value your differences and learn to adapt and compromise when the little annoyances of a relationship get to you. In the long run, you will get to be more like each as you share experiences, intimacy and respect. It can be fun too.
Consider this, you are a morning person and your spouse is not. You awake cheerful, chatty and ready to face the day. Your spouse is silent, slightly cranky and would like not to have to deal with this morning or any other one. Thus, the cheery mate can make some nice coffee for the cranky one, even crack a joke or two and keep the morning interesting. Eventually, mr. or mrs. cranky can learn that the morning is not such a horrible time of day. In the evening when mrs. cheerful is ready to wind down and conversation and animation slows down, mr. cranky is now happy and eager to please.
The point here is that diversity in marriage can be good. One doesn't have to be so similar as to be boring. You can probably learn lots more from an opposite personality. Value your differences and learn to adapt and compromise when the little annoyances of a relationship get to you. In the long run, you will get to be more like each as you share experiences, intimacy and respect. It can be fun too.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Near Menopause -- Ladies, Please Pay Attention
I am not a medical doctor, so don't ever replace my words for a doctor's judgement. However, I want to make all women, near, at or post menopausal, that ovarian cancer is a serious, oftentimes, fatal disease that we need to be aware of.
It is particularly true if you have a first line relative (mom or sister) with either breast or ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer, unfortunately has few, if any symptoms until it is too late to be treated. A GYN can do the yearly exam, including Pap smear, without a real way to detect a tumor in the ovaries--particularly if the patient is not an eighty pound female (and few of us are). That's why I encourage patients to ask their doctor about having a sonogram of their ovaries. If the doctor can't justify it for insurance purposes, then a woman should incur the expense anyway. It could be well worth it if it can save your life.
An ovarian tumor, found early before it has spread, can be removed and life can go on happily. As I mentioned, the symptoms of ovarian cancer such as bloating, pain on intercourse, change in bladder or bowel habits, can be signs of many other benign conditions. Ironically, most male doctors, in particular, will minimize the need to check for ovarian cancer because they feel that it is so rare. Nonetheless, it is not that rare. If you have never had children or had them late in life, your chances of getting ovarian cancer increases.
Therefore, when you get your next check up, ask about a sonogram of your ovaries. The test takes about 15 minutes and is painless. They do put a probe into your vaginal, but it is not painful and it is to allow them to get a good view of the uterus and ovaries. There is a blood test called CA 125, it is not conclusive and has false positives.
Whatever you choose, it's better than nothing and if we women aren't our own advocates for fighting ovarian cancer, no one will be. Remember, Gilda Ratner.....she wasn't even menopause age, but she had no children. Let's work together also to encourage researchers to find a cure for ovarian cancer, but in the meantime, let's be smart and safe.
It is particularly true if you have a first line relative (mom or sister) with either breast or ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer, unfortunately has few, if any symptoms until it is too late to be treated. A GYN can do the yearly exam, including Pap smear, without a real way to detect a tumor in the ovaries--particularly if the patient is not an eighty pound female (and few of us are). That's why I encourage patients to ask their doctor about having a sonogram of their ovaries. If the doctor can't justify it for insurance purposes, then a woman should incur the expense anyway. It could be well worth it if it can save your life.
An ovarian tumor, found early before it has spread, can be removed and life can go on happily. As I mentioned, the symptoms of ovarian cancer such as bloating, pain on intercourse, change in bladder or bowel habits, can be signs of many other benign conditions. Ironically, most male doctors, in particular, will minimize the need to check for ovarian cancer because they feel that it is so rare. Nonetheless, it is not that rare. If you have never had children or had them late in life, your chances of getting ovarian cancer increases.
Therefore, when you get your next check up, ask about a sonogram of your ovaries. The test takes about 15 minutes and is painless. They do put a probe into your vaginal, but it is not painful and it is to allow them to get a good view of the uterus and ovaries. There is a blood test called CA 125, it is not conclusive and has false positives.
Whatever you choose, it's better than nothing and if we women aren't our own advocates for fighting ovarian cancer, no one will be. Remember, Gilda Ratner.....she wasn't even menopause age, but she had no children. Let's work together also to encourage researchers to find a cure for ovarian cancer, but in the meantime, let's be smart and safe.
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