Is Marriage a 50/50 Deal?

It used to be that sociologists suggested that in order to be successful in marriage, each partner had to give 50%. It was like marriage as a mathematical problem in which if each gives 50/50, the 100% will make everything terrific. In practice, marriage is hardly ever a 50/50 experience. Sure, you might say that if I cook dinner and my husband cleans up, that is a 50/50 deal. However, what if I slaved in the kitchen all day preparing this dinner (which was preceded by a huge grocery store shopping trip) and the clean up was minimal and would take a whole 20 minutes at best? Would this still be a 50/50 mathematical equation that would be equitable for both parties?

Life is not a mathematical expression, other than the fact that we add another year to our lives with each birthday. Marriage is a relationship that doesn't involve math. It involves the needs of both husband and wife. It is doing what works to make the relationship stronger. If you have to "give" 80% on some days while your partner gets by with giving 20%, so what? Therefore, marriage is not a game that requires scorekeeping. In fact, keeping score in a marriage is not good. It's like brownbagging, a term whereby each partner saves up issues (in a bag), to be opened whenever an argument ensues and one partner needs more amunition to win the argument. Neither brownbagging nor keeping score is the healthy thing to do to strengthen a marriage.

The best way for couples to get along without keeping score, is to express in constructive ways what each partner needs--whether it means emotional, physical or financial help. Be gentle and loving with your requests and be appreciative and caring with your responses. Teach your children by example so that they learn that in marriage, as in life, it's not about winning (or scorekeeping); rather it's how you play.