Don't Miss a Moment

Sometimes in marriage, as in life, some things just slip away. You hardly notice what you are missing. You become so involved in day to day living and the mundane, that you no longer recognize the small things in a relationship. We do, however, dwell on the big things, but it’s the smaller things (like the small part of a puzzle that make it whole). Hopefully, if you are in a new relationship, you are aware of all things—big and small—and appreciate all that makes up these things.

It is, nonetheless, when a relationship gets “older” that one dwells on the big picture, which can often be very good or very poor. Little things that a partner does to make you content or happy are oftentimes overlooked. Jobs, finances and certainly children are the large items that make up most of our waking hours—both physically and mentally. We begin to use negative terms such as “Joe never takes out the trash” or “Sue always burns the dinner.” It’s this all or nothing mentality that gets partners into real trouble. Black and white thinking has little place in a relationship and certainly not within a marriage. There are many shades of grey that should not be overlooked.

And, just as life changes……..so does a marriage. There are highs and lows, peaks and valleys. There is sadness and joy, immeasurable even in large doses. We get wrapped up in expectations that hold no realism. We expect our partner to understand and read our minds because to us the feelings are so obvious. I am been married a long time, so I know about what I write.

Think about your life and relationships as moments in time--moments to be treasured just because we are able to experience them. Not because we think we deserve them or someone owes them to us. Every relationship has something to offer us that enable us to grow, even if we deem it a negative one. Start looking at your partner as if you are seeing them as you did on your first date. What attracted you to him/her? What were the things that you exchanged that created your bond? What did you laugh at? What made you sad? Don’t miss another moment--even if things have changed. Appreciate each moment.

Two Interesting Facts about Marriage

I learned two facts recently that I thought I'd share with you. These are interesting to think about, so please let me know what you think. Do you agree?

1. Fifty percent of marriages end in the first 4 years. People have hardly gotten to know each other in four years. I asked my relative who is a divorce attorney if he agreed with this fact and he added that he thought it was true because in the state of Maryland, couples married just six little years constitutes a "long" marriage according to judges.

I don't know what percentage of these marriages have children, but I would guess that having children "before" you even know your partner is a really bad idea. Children put loads of stress on a marriage because of all the changes involved in becoming parents--let alone all the responsibilities.

2. If partners in a marriage are having problems, but one refuses to go for counseling, does it pay to have one person go to counseling? Doesn't it take two to tango? Many couples therapists would ideally like to see both partners; however, if one goes for counseling and can make some changes in the relationship, these changes might turn the table on the problem. If a partner makes a significant change, it may envitably cause a change in the other person.

However, if we are speaking about drug abuse, physical abuse, alcoholism, or infidelity, other resources and counseling methods are needed.

Friends Can Enhance Your Relationships

It's no surprise that social relationships are important for good physical and emotional health. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that friendships are important within a marriage or any relationship. Studies have shown (and you can gather from my other posts that I dig "studies") people with lots of social contacts and friendships not only live longer lives, but the quality of their lives are better. They are basically happier individuals.

When a couple is in a comitted relationship, isolating yourselves from your family and friends is not a good idea. In fact, abusive spouses often want to isolate their mates from family and friends as a way of controlling their spouses. This behavior is a huge red flag in a relationship and if you find that your spouse is trying to control your outside relationships with friends and family, it's time to quickly seek counseling or run for the hills.

Friends and family are usually a wonderful adjunct to a relationship. If nothing else, it creates cause for discussion with your mate. Afterall, what's more fun than talking about your family and friends after you leave their company? Seeing how others interact with each other, whether within the context of family or friends, is a good barometer to measure your own interactions with your mate. Observing other's not so terrific behavior is a great way to discuss what is or is not acceptable in your own lives. Since the male species may find it difficult to communicate their own feelings, talking about other people helps a female get a handle on their partners perspective on many important issues.

And, friends are just fun to hang out with--keeps a couple from getting bored. Sharing a movie, meal or just a drink with others is good for you individually and collectively. If you have moved away from old friends/family, seek new relationships at work, church, or even the grocery store. It's harder to form new friendships these days, but don't give up. It's a terrific way to keep yourself and your relationship interesting and refreshed.

I Gotta Be Me

I love old songs. Frankly, they don't write lyrics as they did years ago. Not only did the words rhyme (like in old poetry), but the lyrics made good sense. A song by Sammy Davis, Jr. recently popped into my head this weekend. I guess it was because my husband and I were speaking about couples who have been married many years and how they have adapted to each other over the years. The song is "I Gotta Be Me."

It begins, "Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong, Whether I find a place in this world or never belong, I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me, What else can I be but what I am." The ending words are dyamite too...."I can't be right for someone else, if I'm not right for me."

It's only after years of marriage that couples really get comfortable enough to be who they are....to let their true feelings be known. It's a really secure place to be who you are with no fears of reprisal or having to put on several faces to be happy. As as the lyrics state, if you can't be right for yourself, you can't be right for anyone else either.

I wish young couples would be who they really are before marriage. Even living together does not always allow mates to be free to be who they are. In this society, we learn to put on masks. Hide disappointments, sadness and mistakes. At some point, pretending just doesn't work. Everyone gets tired of acting and even if they don't, the other partner may be astute enough to read behind the lines and masks.

Another saying I learned years ago that has also served me well both as a member of the union of marriage and a member of life....."Do not wish to be anyone but who you are, but be that perfectly."