When I heard the shocking news about Al and Tipper Gore splitting after 40 years of marriage, I wanted to cry. How could it be so? I remembered their long kiss at the 2000 Democratic National Convention. I wanted the passion they displayed in front of Americans something we could be proud of as married couples. Now that they are divorcing, I am wondering the fate of my own marriage.
The Wall Street Journal last Thursday had some interesting things to speculate regarding long term marriages and why some social workers and attorneys are seeing more and more of these marriages going by the wayside. Longevity, economics and cravings for happiness and self expression are some new paradigms we face now as older human beings. We are living longer and we want to spend our last days with someone who fulfills us. Sounds logical and simple, right? Not so much.
Thirty to 40 year-old marriages are the most common time for divorce say some divorce attorneys. Working wives are less dependent on their husbands for financial support and husbands have viagra and other incentives to find other romances. Children are grown and even marital sex is a "vague memory." Even though we don't know the reasons behind the Gore's split, authorities state that the trigger for a breakup is often a third party. "It's extraordinarily unusual for men to leave without having somebody." Perhaps, not quite an affair yet, but waiting arms for them elsewhere.
A LA psychiatrist developed "recoupling therapy" to help divorced couples reunite, including seeing other issues behind later-in-life breakups including tensions related to adult children. Oftentimes, people just decide is it finally 'their' time to embrace their true calling. According to Census stats, of the 8.1 million women who were married between 1970 and 1974, just over 1/2 made it to their 30th wedding anniversary compared with about 60% for women married between 1960 and 1964. I was married in 1966 and I wonder where I stand!!
A new British study of 500 couples found that people married one year spend 40 minutes of an hour long dinner engaged in conversation. By 20 years of marriage, they're down to 21 mins, by 30 years it's 16 minutes. For those married 50 years, they are talking a mere three minutes. No wonder you see many older married couples reading the newspaper at the table. The silence is deafening.
The problem is really that people are living too long and therefore, marriages may be overstaying their welcome. Couples may be just getting bored with each other. Therapists advise us to check in with each other, to see if our marriages are on track and our needs are being met. Long-term marriages also need to be more about a partnership and less about the children. A self-help book, "Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage" is a good place to start guiding your relationship through the challenges and mysteries that may lie ahead.
While the court is still out on why the Gores are going their separate ways after 40 years, one can see how their own relationship may have changed over the last decade. Al does a ton of travelling with this "green" team and Tipper has her own business in Tennessee. Yet, regardless of why, I am thinking much more about the fate of my own marriage after 44 years and the challenges my husband and I face in this new age of possibilities.
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