Marriage Is A Work in Progress

No matter how many years you have been married, don't think for a minute that you can stop working in or on your marriage. Intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom, it begins in the living room, in the kitchen or anywhere where you partners can look each other in the eyes and really communicate. "Really communicate" doesn't mean discussing the neighbors, the children or your daily activities. Communication has to do with sharing how you are really feeling with regard to your partner.

What do you feel is missing in your relationship? What is keeping intimacy from moving from the kitchen to the bedroom? Do you feel that your partner is truly interested in how you feel? If not, why not? Are you open with your feelings? Do you express what you need from your partner? Women, in particular like to think that if their partner were truly interested in them and invested in the marriage, that you shouldn't have to "beg" for what you need. In fact, it's not begging that is required to get the message across, but rather a loving technique to express your needs.

Expressing one's needs may also require specifics. If you tell your spouse that you need him/her to show more empathy or concern, don't leave it up to him/her to know how. You might need to give examples of how empathy or concern would look to you. What would be required of your partner to "show" you in actions. Talking to a partner in generalized, generic ways may just not work. Once, you give specifics to a partner on what they need to do to help you, you may find that the partner needs prompting or reminding.

Changes in behaviors take time and practice so be patient. Make sure that when you relate your needs to a partner, that you have their complete attention. Eye to eye contact if preferred so doing it in a car may not be the best way. Of course, talking when you partner is watching the TV or reading the paper would definitely not be a good technique to build deep communication.

Keep your expectations reasonable. Be willing to do some compromising while your partner is learning (or refreshing) your "needs" list. Marriage is not a walk in the park. You get from it what you give.