John Gottman, Ph.D. has been a psychologist researching marriages for a long time. He was most recently on the Anderson Cooper show describing the ways in which he predicts whether a marriage will succeed or fail based upon the way a couple argues. Gottman says that he can make these predictions with 94% accuracy based on watching the couples argue for only a short time. Arguing in any relationship is touchy and marriage is no exception. Much is based on how you say things; not necessary what you say. Body language is important as well (no eye rolling please!)
I have said that words like "you never" or "you always" have no place in any dialogue and it's certainly true within a relationship like marriage. Likewise anything said that is insulting leads to a poor outcome. No one enjoys a partner who acts "superior" either. Whenever a spouse resorts to belittling and insulting, the other spouse either backs off completely or gets extremely defensive.
Gottman states that there are four things that predict marital doom when a couple argues:
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
To read more about the four no-nos in arguing, please visit http://isoulseek.com/sitebrances/relationshipskills/articles/6signs.pdf.
What you read will have a great impact to learn how to argue more productively and how to keep your marriage respectful, loving and enduring.
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