Show Me the Money Honey

Couples frequently argue about money. It's probably one of the most "touchy" things that couples talk about that leads to ugliness. Even in good economic times, which we all know is not now. We have unemployment at incredible rates and we've seen our property values plummet along with our retirement funds.

So what's a couple to do with all the stress they feel surrounding money? First of all recognize that how we view financial issues, along with our spending habits, were established in childhood by our parents. Your partner is not going to change his/her habits just because your income is less, are they?

Here's some suggestions regarding the fragile subject of money:

Again, I suggest that you remember the "good" times of your married life and what attracted you to your partner. Discuss finances when you are both calm, relaxed and feeling intimate. Don't get into yelling or name-calling ever. Try to find compromises on spending. Keep these discussions brief and to the point. No brown-bagging please.

If you join together as a positive force, you can build a stronger marital relationship and your finances will follow suit.

Marriage and Monogamy

I couldn't really speak about marriage without addressing "monogramy" could I? In the past week, I learned that 3 young couples, one with a baby as young as 18 mos. are calling it quits. In two cases, the men wanted out and in one, the woman did. In one case, the man wanted to live for another woman he met at work. The woman said she wanted to "find herself" and I am not sure about the other man.

Marriage can be a transient relationship. Mates can always come and go. And, I do believe that there are many people out there that you can be attracted to so there is no one person for every human.

Frankly, if two people can marriage and want to ditch the relationship, I say "go for it. " However, if there are children, I say "stop and think" and then "think some more." Staying for the children is not a good idea, but staying because you made a commitment to each other is. Hopefully, there was something that drew you to your partner. Even if it was only hormones!!

Remember what it was that you found so loving and endearing about your mate. Was it their laugh, their smile, their empathy, or was it just the fact that they loved you enough to say "I do?
Even though I am a counselor by education, I tell couples not to rush for therapy right away. Try to talk and make special time to express and understand each other's needs in the relationship. What need is no longer being met? What words have been said in a fight that one needs a sincere apology for? Who's being neglected or taken for granted?

The reason I don't advocate seeking counseling right away is that unless you are each seen separately for a while before you begin couples therapy (this method I believe is best), marriage counseling is a time for each person to address the negative qualities of the partner. It's a "she said, he said" kind of activity that usually results in having your dirty laundry aired in front of a third party and the offender is going to be even more offended.

Marriage, as in life, has its ups and downs. Marriage requires work and there is no way around it. If you work hard in your job, you are usually happier and more successful. The same is true of marriage.

marriage and motherhood

It's always strange to me when I hear that a couple is going to have a baby to "bring them closer." Closer to what?? Dirty diapers and smelly baby bottles? Having a child is one of the most stressgful events period and thinking that it will bring you and your spouse together is crazy. A marriage goes through enormous stress when a baby enters into the picture. And, if it's a first baby, it's a real endurance test for a marriage.

Children are work for of all, and secondly children change the dynamics of couplehood. Two people are now three and you know what they say about a threesome...........It's a triangle that will need time to adjust to. Couples should never forget that they were friends and lovers before the baby and must work hard to be that after a baby comes. Make time as a couple at least once a week. Arrange a date night and for heaven's sake, decide that you will not talk about the baby dirty diapers or bottles. And, men........please give your wife a chance to recover from the change in hormones after pregnancy and delivery.

Menopause, now I know why they call it the change of life!

Menopause.......what was all that crap about it being the "best" time of a woman's life??? Who are they kidding. Oh yes, most of the time, the kids have finally left the nest (or perhaps have now returned), and you and spouse can chase each other around the house naked. Wow, what a disgusting picture that would be. And, what happens when we catch each other? Same ole story, too tired for sex and who desires it anyway anymore.

Reflect on those earlier years when just the sight of each other caused those hormones to surge big time. You both couldn't wait to get naked. Then all sweaty. Speaking of sweats........I get sweaty without running around the house and without sex. My internal temperature can go up and down in a flash. I wish my libido could!

When times get bad, a marriage can get stronger

Don't let all the bad news about families scare you. Yes, three young married men killed themselves over the last week. Two of the men killed their families as well. This should not be happening. Men need to communicate within a marriage and when times are bad, physically, emotionally or financially, these are the times to open up and share with the one partner who is safe and that is your spouse. And wives, don't take your husband's issues lightly. If you see any behavior which doesn't seem right to you, then trust your intuition and get help for your partner. It may even mean dragging him, kicking and screaming to an emergency room. Money can come and go in a flash, commitment and love are everlasting if you always keep the lines of communication open. Marriages come out stronger after adversities. Just reach out.

If you think marriage is easy, think again!

Marriage is work--plain and simple. After the hormone surge dies down and picking up dirty clothes off the floor is no longer "fun", there's serious work to be done to keep the marriage intact and even make it more enjoyable, let alone bearable.

I know because I have been married 43 years. Got any issues, ask me. I have the answers because I also have an M.S. in counseling from John Hopkins University!