Recently, I heard a story from a coworker about a man that she had dated for about seven years. Yes, I know what you're thinking now.....why would someone want to just "date" for seven years? I am not sure of that answer either except that the good thing was that they didn't live together.
At any rate, this coworker frequently saw her boyfriend with another woman. However the boyfriend told her that this woman was a cousin who had cancer and that it was his job to take care of her. The really significant time this "cousin" showed up was at a funeral that my coworker attended out of state for a relative of her boyfriend. She sat in the church pew with two other women, including the "cousin." Conversation began with these two other woman and both said they were dating my coworker's boyfriend. With that information, my coworker went ballistic and was escorted from the church. She also found out that her boyfriend's mother, who she had met many times over the years, knew all about her son dating three women at one time.
Logic might tell you that you should have seen signs of something way wrong. There had to be so many lies crossing your path day after day that you overlooked. What were the signs you missed and why? Were you so needy in the relationship that you were settling for beans? Today, she admits that she missed some clues/signs and feels very stupid about what she did. Even today, when this scumbag sees her, (he works nearby) he wants to engage her in conversation and she just pretends he is invisible.
The morale of this story is........don't be so starry eyed that you miss important details about the human being that you are seeing. When something in your gut doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Don't ignore clues or signs that your friend is lying or cheating. It's a painful way to end a relationship, but it would be far more painful had that relationship culminated in marriage or children.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
In Sickness and in Health
Most marriage vows include something like "in sickness and in health." Few folks standing at the altar on their wedding day realize the magnitude of these words. Sure, they sound nice and certainly sound like the right thing to say, but how many really look at their partner and imagine what it would be like to have to take care of that partner in the event of their illness, serious or not.
A marriage is definitely "tested" by illness. Many marriages do not survive when one partner becomes seriously ill. The burden of caring for such a partner and dealing with the emotional and physical ups and downs just proves too much to handle. Similarly this happens when a child is seriously ill and also when a child dies. The stress of this situation very often causes the death of the marriage.
Thank goodness that in my 43 years of marriage, we have not been tested in that way although it doesn't preclude that we will go the rest of our lives without this issue. It's just a fact of life and things happen and you deal with them one day at a time--the best you can. Nontheless, what got me to think of this topic is because I am been ill the past few days with the mundane, yet painful urinary tract infection. I've been feeling lousy and have been passing on those vibes to my dear spouse--who has been trying to cope. He's not used to seeing me in bed and wants to assist, but really doesn't know how. To be honest, he's not the most nurturing of sorts (genetics, no doubt), but he has learned certain things from me about "being there for others when they are in need."
When he has been ill, my role as nurse immediately kicks in. That, plus my inherited role as mother, nuturer and counselor goes to work. No one has to tell me to provide whatever I can to make my spouse more confortable. It's just who I am.....in sickness and in health.
Thus, my suggestion to those beginning a relationship.......check out how your partner will react to you in times of stress, illness and frustration. Are they loving, caring, empathetic and will they be there to do whatever they can to help you? If you don't know this, do not begin a permanent or long-term relationship. It is evitable that sometime down the path of life, you will need a partner to "give" to you in ways they never thought that they could or would have to. These are little tests in life and little tests that should be passed in a relationship.
"In sickness and in health" are simplistic words with great meaning. Heed them.
A marriage is definitely "tested" by illness. Many marriages do not survive when one partner becomes seriously ill. The burden of caring for such a partner and dealing with the emotional and physical ups and downs just proves too much to handle. Similarly this happens when a child is seriously ill and also when a child dies. The stress of this situation very often causes the death of the marriage.
Thank goodness that in my 43 years of marriage, we have not been tested in that way although it doesn't preclude that we will go the rest of our lives without this issue. It's just a fact of life and things happen and you deal with them one day at a time--the best you can. Nontheless, what got me to think of this topic is because I am been ill the past few days with the mundane, yet painful urinary tract infection. I've been feeling lousy and have been passing on those vibes to my dear spouse--who has been trying to cope. He's not used to seeing me in bed and wants to assist, but really doesn't know how. To be honest, he's not the most nurturing of sorts (genetics, no doubt), but he has learned certain things from me about "being there for others when they are in need."
When he has been ill, my role as nurse immediately kicks in. That, plus my inherited role as mother, nuturer and counselor goes to work. No one has to tell me to provide whatever I can to make my spouse more confortable. It's just who I am.....in sickness and in health.
Thus, my suggestion to those beginning a relationship.......check out how your partner will react to you in times of stress, illness and frustration. Are they loving, caring, empathetic and will they be there to do whatever they can to help you? If you don't know this, do not begin a permanent or long-term relationship. It is evitable that sometime down the path of life, you will need a partner to "give" to you in ways they never thought that they could or would have to. These are little tests in life and little tests that should be passed in a relationship.
"In sickness and in health" are simplistic words with great meaning. Heed them.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Criticism – Does it Have a Place in Relationships?
No one says things or does things to our liking all the time. We are human and oftentimes feel that our way is the “best” way. Therefore as one gets more and more comfortable in a relationship, it becomes easier to want to critique a partner. We begin to feel it is our “job” so to speak. But, don’t you remember your mom’s good old-fashioned words that said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything.” While I don’t agree that this would be realistic in a relationship past the honeymoon phase, I will say that criticism has a time and place in a relationship as long as the message is delivered with respect and love.
Never should criticism be doled out in a fit of anger, nor should it be “brown bagged” and emptied in a shouting match. Criticism should be thought out prior to opening one’s mouth. After all, the goal is to express your desires for change in a loving and open manner. Change is not always wanted by both parties either.
Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you.” Therefore, you should never allow criticism to be bestowed upon you in a demeaning way. You must nip it in the bud. Tell your partner and you are open to criticism if it can be generated with thought, care and respect. No one wants to be emotionally abused and allowing your mate to constantly criticize is exactly what emotional abuse is. If you ever feel that your self-esteem and self-confidence is being threatened, it is time to have a serious talk with your partner.
Life isn’t about getting one’s way all the time. Compromise within a relationship is a given. If you are handed a criticism that doesn’t feel good to you—then it isn’t good for you. Using the “when”…..”I feel” message is a good way to handle this. In other words, your mate is criticizing the way you load the dishwasher, make the bed, etc. You say, “When you tell me how to load the dishwasher, I feel hurt--like a child who doesn’t have a brain. You could go on to say, “You might have a better way of loading the dishwasher than I do and I would be happy if you could show me or just let it go. After all, is it more important to have the dishwasher loaded just the way you like it, or for us to be happy and respectful together. If it so important to you, perhaps that should be one of your household duties.”
I use this simplistic example as a way to show that criticism always evokes a feeling—usually a negative one. Therefore, one must learn how to express the results of the criticism so that tension and anger do not have a chance to build up. Instead of retaliating, we want to let the partner know how you feel when you are being criticized. After a relationship has lasted for years, two people might even be able to laugh over their pettiness. However, in the meantime, don’t let criticism go by unattended. It can break a loving relationship unnecessarily.
No one says things or does things to our liking all the time. We are human and oftentimes feel that our way is the “best” way. Therefore as one gets more and more comfortable in a relationship, it becomes easier to want to critique a partner. We begin to feel it is our “job” so to speak. But, don’t you remember your mom’s good old-fashioned words that said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything.” While I don’t agree that this would be realistic in a relationship past the honeymoon phase, I will say that criticism has a time and place in a relationship as long as the message is delivered with respect and love.
Never should criticism be doled out in a fit of anger, nor should it be “brown bagged” and emptied in a shouting match. Criticism should be thought out prior to opening one’s mouth. After all, the goal is to express your desires for change in a loving and open manner. Change is not always wanted by both parties either.
Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you.” Therefore, you should never allow criticism to be bestowed upon you in a demeaning way. You must nip it in the bud. Tell your partner and you are open to criticism if it can be generated with thought, care and respect. No one wants to be emotionally abused and allowing your mate to constantly criticize is exactly what emotional abuse is. If you ever feel that your self-esteem and self-confidence is being threatened, it is time to have a serious talk with your partner.
Life isn’t about getting one’s way all the time. Compromise within a relationship is a given. If you are handed a criticism that doesn’t feel good to you—then it isn’t good for you. Using the “when”…..”I feel” message is a good way to handle this. In other words, your mate is criticizing the way you load the dishwasher, make the bed, etc. You say, “When you tell me how to load the dishwasher, I feel hurt--like a child who doesn’t have a brain. You could go on to say, “You might have a better way of loading the dishwasher than I do and I would be happy if you could show me or just let it go. After all, is it more important to have the dishwasher loaded just the way you like it, or for us to be happy and respectful together. If it so important to you, perhaps that should be one of your household duties.”
I use this simplistic example as a way to show that criticism always evokes a feeling—usually a negative one. Therefore, one must learn how to express the results of the criticism so that tension and anger do not have a chance to build up. Instead of retaliating, we want to let the partner know how you feel when you are being criticized. After a relationship has lasted for years, two people might even be able to laugh over their pettiness. However, in the meantime, don’t let criticism go by unattended. It can break a loving relationship unnecessarily.
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