Criticism – Does it Have a Place in Relationships?


No one says things or does things to our liking all the time. We are human and oftentimes feel that our way is the “best” way. Therefore as one gets more and more comfortable in a relationship, it becomes easier to want to critique a partner. We begin to feel it is our “job” so to speak. But, don’t you remember your mom’s good old-fashioned words that said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything.” While I don’t agree that this would be realistic in a relationship past the honeymoon phase, I will say that criticism has a time and place in a relationship as long as the message is delivered with respect and love.

Never should criticism be doled out in a fit of anger, nor should it be “brown bagged” and emptied in a shouting match. Criticism should be thought out prior to opening one’s mouth. After all, the goal is to express your desires for change in a loving and open manner. Change is not always wanted by both parties either.
Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you.” Therefore, you should never allow criticism to be bestowed upon you in a demeaning way. You must nip it in the bud. Tell your partner and you are open to criticism if it can be generated with thought, care and respect. No one wants to be emotionally abused and allowing your mate to constantly criticize is exactly what emotional abuse is. If you ever feel that your self-esteem and self-confidence is being threatened, it is time to have a serious talk with your partner.

Life isn’t about getting one’s way all the time. Compromise within a relationship is a given. If you are handed a criticism that doesn’t feel good to you—then it isn’t good for you. Using the “when”…..”I feel” message is a good way to handle this. In other words, your mate is criticizing the way you load the dishwasher, make the bed, etc. You say, “When you tell me how to load the dishwasher, I feel hurt--like a child who doesn’t have a brain. You could go on to say, “You might have a better way of loading the dishwasher than I do and I would be happy if you could show me or just let it go. After all, is it more important to have the dishwasher loaded just the way you like it, or for us to be happy and respectful together. If it so important to you, perhaps that should be one of your household duties.”

I use this simplistic example as a way to show that criticism always evokes a feeling—usually a negative one. Therefore, one must learn how to express the results of the criticism so that tension and anger do not have a chance to build up. Instead of retaliating, we want to let the partner know how you feel when you are being criticized. After a relationship has lasted for years, two people might even be able to laugh over their pettiness. However, in the meantime, don’t let criticism go by unattended. It can break a loving relationship unnecessarily.