I am expanding this topic to include relationships other than marriage because there are many families of all kinds--not just those with a piece of paper binding them together.
What hurts in a marriage most is conflict yet it is unavoidable. About sixty percent of all couples face conflict dealing with children, in-laws, money or sex. In the early stages of relationships including marriage, there is a period of infatuation followed by disillusionment and then mature love. It is during the mature love, the people begin to grieve that all of their needs are not being met by their partner. Myths about what a partner should be may still cause anxiety.
Oftentimes couples communicate effectively and honestly to each other and come to compromises as to what is acceptable within the family. How adults deal with conflicts within a relationship is very difficult from a child's perception. This area causes me great concern.
As a child who came from a dysfunctional family where arguing, name calling and shouting were common, let me say that if you are a couple who does this in front of your children....STOP.
It's not about you; it's about how your actions, both verbal and physical, translate to your innocent children. Children don't ask for immature parents and if you fight and argue in front of your children, you are just that.
When a child witnesses fighting at home, they immediately look to blame themselves. This is a natural yet unfortunate response. Children also think that divorce is coming next. Children subjected to a tense, hostile environment become scared and withdrawn. Their social skills with other children became withdrawn. They have a harder time detaching from their parents. Many children, particularly those pulled into the conflict, pick a parent as a ally.
In my growing up years, I formed an ally with my father who I deemed the "victim" in the relationship. My mother was aware of this ally and showed anger at me in very subtle ways.
I had many physiological responses to constant anxiety at home. I was absent from school too often with psychosomatic illnesses. I was fearful of failure and only looked for friends that I could parent.
As a child of fighting parents, I became "hypervigilant" I was aware of everything around me and most of which I saw and heard scared me. Every time, my parent raised their voice, I trembled for fear of what would come next. Would there be a physical altercation or would my father just leave the house (as he did in most occasions). More importantly, I worried about whether he would ever return.
Ironically my parents were married over 60 years and they died married. As a depressed teen, I didn't want to come from a divorced home, but as a young women, I advocated that my mom leave my dad. My parents survived their dysfunctional relationship for too many years and didn't seem to be too affected by it. Me, on the other hand, internalized the stress and became an agoraphobic in my late twenties.
Children deserve to be surrounded by loving and happy parents. If there are conflicts that you know will be resolved, discuss those in privately in a calm, quiet manner. Do not bring your children into minor issues. If you have major issues, take them outside the home to resolve. Meet in a restaurant and discuss over a cup of coffee. Bring in outside professionals to help you. Get a divorce. Just don't hurt those children that didn't ask to be brought into a life of chaos. It changes who they are or will become forever.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Life Goes On, But I Forget Just Why (Edna St. Vincent Millay)
I couldn't miss writing something on such a solemn day as today, the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Just as what families, friends and responders experienced on that horrific day, life can change in a split second. Most of what happens in life is not within our ultimate control and so we need to live every moment to the fullest. We need to forgive and love those close to us as we've never done before.
Mike Flanagan was just 59 when he took his own life last month. He had a loving wife and three children. Mike played for the Baltimore Orioles for many years and won the Cy Young Award as well as a World Series Championship.
Pat Summit was 59 too when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. She was a terrific coach for over 37 years for the Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team. She brought discipline, hardwork and character to Tennessee. She has no plans to step down as coach right now. She has a son.
Julie Schenecker was a loving mother who suffered from depression. Several months ago, she shot and killed her two teenagers. Her son, who was only 13 was killed on his way to his soccer practice because Julie said that he was "too mouthy" that day. Julie continued to her home after killing her son Beau and shot her 16 year old daughter upon entering her home. It was a fatal shot for Calyx too. Julie's husband, a career army officer, was in the Middle East when the killings took place.
So what significance is today in connection with the lives of Mike, Pat and Julie? Tragedy can occur at any time in our lives. Oftentimes, we experience feelings as well as happenings that are inexplainable. Some of us are stronger than others and we need to reach out to those who need a helping hand or just a hug.
Look around at those you love today. Tell them so. Life is so fragile and we aren't promised tomorrow.
Mike Flanagan was just 59 when he took his own life last month. He had a loving wife and three children. Mike played for the Baltimore Orioles for many years and won the Cy Young Award as well as a World Series Championship.
Pat Summit was 59 too when she was diagnosed with early onset dementia. She was a terrific coach for over 37 years for the Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team. She brought discipline, hardwork and character to Tennessee. She has no plans to step down as coach right now. She has a son.
Julie Schenecker was a loving mother who suffered from depression. Several months ago, she shot and killed her two teenagers. Her son, who was only 13 was killed on his way to his soccer practice because Julie said that he was "too mouthy" that day. Julie continued to her home after killing her son Beau and shot her 16 year old daughter upon entering her home. It was a fatal shot for Calyx too. Julie's husband, a career army officer, was in the Middle East when the killings took place.
So what significance is today in connection with the lives of Mike, Pat and Julie? Tragedy can occur at any time in our lives. Oftentimes, we experience feelings as well as happenings that are inexplainable. Some of us are stronger than others and we need to reach out to those who need a helping hand or just a hug.
Look around at those you love today. Tell them so. Life is so fragile and we aren't promised tomorrow.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Cheating Men Again
I suspect I should soon change the name of my blog and focus just on cheating men. I also suspect that over time, the blog would become quite boring. Once again, in the past week, we have seen Anthony Weiner take the news stage. It appears that he, for some years, communicated with and tweeted young women on the computer. I guess all would have been okay, except that he shared intimate pictures of his genitalia with these women.
Today we learned that his wife, Huma Abedin, an assistant to Hilary Clinton, is pregnant. Mr. Weiner and his lovely bride have only been married a little over a year, yet he has been doing this behavior on the internet for at least three years. The interesting question now is, should his wife stay with him (complicated by her pregnancy) or should she dump his ass. Media has all kinds of opinions as do most of us women. She has been compared to many other wives of cheaters, including Hilary Clinton, who has stayed with her man. The jury is still out on whether Maria (you know, Arnold's wife) will stay in the marriage or bail. She is consulting a divorce lawyer so I might assume she is not "standing by her man."
I have very different feelings about the actions of Schwarzenegger and Edwards over the actions of Cong. Weiner. I guess because I believe that many married men use the internet and availability of strangers to carry on fantasies of one sort or another. Typically, if done in moderation, no one gets hurt. However, when you have married men having affairs with other women and bearing their children, well, they've stepped over the line in my humble opinion. What are these so called intelligent men thinking? And, not to use protection??? Come on folks, these idiots are not hot-to-trot teenagers.
Schwarzenegger and Edwards were dogs period. They were married to educated, intelligent and caring women. Schwarzenegger actually carried on with a valued member of his household staff and kept the lie going for over a decade! Could Maria ever trust such a liar and cheater again?
He has humiliated his wife and children and all his apologies shouldn't get him anywhere but out the door for good. Edwards fathered a child during the time that his wife was fighting a valiant battle with cancer. Unfortunately, Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with no thanks to Edwards. Can you imagine a woman going through such stress at a time that she needed care and empathy?
Weiner has a chance to be rehabilitated. His actions are no different that a compulsive gambler except that he should of had more control and discretion. It is incredulous to me that men can think only about their penis, with their penis instead of their brains. A politician, no less.
One beautiful woman who came forward to incriminate Weiner asked him time and time again if he was really Cong. Weiner! His ego was so great that he was pleased to tell these women that he was actually a member of Congress. Stupidity at its highest level.
Therefore, I think Huma, particularly since she is pregnant, should give Weiner a chance to get help and prove that he is a man who can put his wife, family and career ahead of his man parts. He should be monitored like a child who can't go to x-rated websites. His actions should be a open book to his wife and his feelings should be transparent. If he can do this, I think the marriage has a chance. If he strays again, family or not, Huma Abedin should show him the door.
Today we learned that his wife, Huma Abedin, an assistant to Hilary Clinton, is pregnant. Mr. Weiner and his lovely bride have only been married a little over a year, yet he has been doing this behavior on the internet for at least three years. The interesting question now is, should his wife stay with him (complicated by her pregnancy) or should she dump his ass. Media has all kinds of opinions as do most of us women. She has been compared to many other wives of cheaters, including Hilary Clinton, who has stayed with her man. The jury is still out on whether Maria (you know, Arnold's wife) will stay in the marriage or bail. She is consulting a divorce lawyer so I might assume she is not "standing by her man."
I have very different feelings about the actions of Schwarzenegger and Edwards over the actions of Cong. Weiner. I guess because I believe that many married men use the internet and availability of strangers to carry on fantasies of one sort or another. Typically, if done in moderation, no one gets hurt. However, when you have married men having affairs with other women and bearing their children, well, they've stepped over the line in my humble opinion. What are these so called intelligent men thinking? And, not to use protection??? Come on folks, these idiots are not hot-to-trot teenagers.
Schwarzenegger and Edwards were dogs period. They were married to educated, intelligent and caring women. Schwarzenegger actually carried on with a valued member of his household staff and kept the lie going for over a decade! Could Maria ever trust such a liar and cheater again?
He has humiliated his wife and children and all his apologies shouldn't get him anywhere but out the door for good. Edwards fathered a child during the time that his wife was fighting a valiant battle with cancer. Unfortunately, Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with no thanks to Edwards. Can you imagine a woman going through such stress at a time that she needed care and empathy?
Weiner has a chance to be rehabilitated. His actions are no different that a compulsive gambler except that he should of had more control and discretion. It is incredulous to me that men can think only about their penis, with their penis instead of their brains. A politician, no less.
One beautiful woman who came forward to incriminate Weiner asked him time and time again if he was really Cong. Weiner! His ego was so great that he was pleased to tell these women that he was actually a member of Congress. Stupidity at its highest level.
Therefore, I think Huma, particularly since she is pregnant, should give Weiner a chance to get help and prove that he is a man who can put his wife, family and career ahead of his man parts. He should be monitored like a child who can't go to x-rated websites. His actions should be a open book to his wife and his feelings should be transparent. If he can do this, I think the marriage has a chance. If he strays again, family or not, Huma Abedin should show him the door.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Arnold, Tell Us It Isn't So
OMG. That's what I felt when I heard that California's famous couple was separating. I kept thinking about the news that would surely follow....you know, the "secret" details that the press drums up. When I heard some of the details today, I was not only shocked, but sick to my stomach. Arnold slept with a member of the household staff? He fathered a child ten years ago while all the time, the mistress still worked for the family? And, the mistress made her husband think the child was his? Yet Arnold paid child support all those years and no one knew about it?
What a darn dog Arnold Schwarzenegger turned out to be. Good thing the Schreibers died before they could know the true nature of this politician and son-in-law.
Maria always stood behind this slimedog too--even as he was portrayed as a cheat long ago. You have to wonder how the story finally got out to the media. I can't wait to hear more dirt, but my heart breaks for Maria. This was the ultimate of deception and Arnold makes John Edwards seem like the ultimate "family" man.
Stayed tuned. I will have lots more to say about these pitiful partners soon.
What a darn dog Arnold Schwarzenegger turned out to be. Good thing the Schreibers died before they could know the true nature of this politician and son-in-law.
Maria always stood behind this slimedog too--even as he was portrayed as a cheat long ago. You have to wonder how the story finally got out to the media. I can't wait to hear more dirt, but my heart breaks for Maria. This was the ultimate of deception and Arnold makes John Edwards seem like the ultimate "family" man.
Stayed tuned. I will have lots more to say about these pitiful partners soon.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Checking in with your Partner
I love to share new ideas on how to strengthen a relationship and I heard one today. I feel this is a great idea simply because women use so many more words than men. We also get on the phone or email to exchange feelings with many people. Men, not so much. Thus, when you want to get a conversation going or just to check in with your partner, this idea might work.
Today, I heard a good, nonthreatening way to check in with your partner. One caveat though.....please don't try this unless and until you get their undivided attention. Ask them, on a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with life, our relationship, etc. This number may give you some basis to begin a deeper conversation. In the initial query, just accept the answer as the number is given. Ask again in a few weeks. Does your partner, in turn, ask you the questions? If not, why not? What you want to establish is a relationship where one can honestly express how one feels without judgement.
If you have accomplished this, please email be at bstern101@yahoo.com and tell me what you did you strengthen your relationship.
Conversation within a relationship often deals with "things" and not "feelings". It's far easier to talk about your day at work, the kids, other people you know, then to thread into the dangerous arena of "feelings". Give it a try because checking in with your partner can reap real knowledge and rewards.
(Thanks Kathy)
Today, I heard a good, nonthreatening way to check in with your partner. One caveat though.....please don't try this unless and until you get their undivided attention. Ask them, on a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with life, our relationship, etc. This number may give you some basis to begin a deeper conversation. In the initial query, just accept the answer as the number is given. Ask again in a few weeks. Does your partner, in turn, ask you the questions? If not, why not? What you want to establish is a relationship where one can honestly express how one feels without judgement.
If you have accomplished this, please email be at bstern101@yahoo.com and tell me what you did you strengthen your relationship.
Conversation within a relationship often deals with "things" and not "feelings". It's far easier to talk about your day at work, the kids, other people you know, then to thread into the dangerous arena of "feelings". Give it a try because checking in with your partner can reap real knowledge and rewards.
(Thanks Kathy)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Life Changes/Marriage
Life can throw you many curves. Some natural ones like aging, retirement and illness. I guess in a some ways, I have encountered all of them within the last few months. I retired the end of the year and I had some illness to deal with shortly thereafter. Aging is a given!
Perhaps you are wondering what these things have to do with marriage and I will gladly tell you. If you thought that becoming an empty nester caused changes in your marriage and relationship, try retirement. My husband and I now spend practically 24 hours together. We do errands, go out to eat and drive around with the top down (weather permitting). Many told me that I wouldn't be able to stand being around my husband that much; that we would argue and fight. Guess what my friends? So far that hasn't been true.
We have always enjoyed being together and continue to feel that way. I won't guess as to how I will feel a year from now, but I have been pleasantly surprised that we haven't resorted to fights or namecalling. We've grown old together and we are an extension of the same couple we were decades ago. It's kind of like the scenario when you are a nice young lady, you grow up to be a nice old woman too. If you were not so nice as a young lady, you probably can plan on growing up to be a very cranky old woman.
Another thing I experienced recently with my ole man of 45 years, is that he rose to the challenge when he had to help me do things that I couldn't do for myself during an illness. I had to rely on him to serve me and believe me, that wasn't easy for me to get used to. I have been the waitress for years and guess what? He may have not been as fast or efficient as I've been over the years serving him, but when I needed him, he tried his best and I tried to be patient. Afterall, men are not by nature as nurturing as women.
So these past few months of retirement, getting older and being ill have taught me a great deal about my marriage. Being able to count on your partner as life changes and throws you curves is very important. Look at your partner now and ask yourself, can we meet the challenges that life throws us? I hope you too can answer "yes".
Perhaps you are wondering what these things have to do with marriage and I will gladly tell you. If you thought that becoming an empty nester caused changes in your marriage and relationship, try retirement. My husband and I now spend practically 24 hours together. We do errands, go out to eat and drive around with the top down (weather permitting). Many told me that I wouldn't be able to stand being around my husband that much; that we would argue and fight. Guess what my friends? So far that hasn't been true.
We have always enjoyed being together and continue to feel that way. I won't guess as to how I will feel a year from now, but I have been pleasantly surprised that we haven't resorted to fights or namecalling. We've grown old together and we are an extension of the same couple we were decades ago. It's kind of like the scenario when you are a nice young lady, you grow up to be a nice old woman too. If you were not so nice as a young lady, you probably can plan on growing up to be a very cranky old woman.
Another thing I experienced recently with my ole man of 45 years, is that he rose to the challenge when he had to help me do things that I couldn't do for myself during an illness. I had to rely on him to serve me and believe me, that wasn't easy for me to get used to. I have been the waitress for years and guess what? He may have not been as fast or efficient as I've been over the years serving him, but when I needed him, he tried his best and I tried to be patient. Afterall, men are not by nature as nurturing as women.
So these past few months of retirement, getting older and being ill have taught me a great deal about my marriage. Being able to count on your partner as life changes and throws you curves is very important. Look at your partner now and ask yourself, can we meet the challenges that life throws us? I hope you too can answer "yes".
Monday, January 17, 2011
Back Off For Better Results
Sorry, I haven't written in some time, but I hope to get more diligent in the future!
I know I've mentioned somewhere in previous blogs that if you think marriage is a 50/50 thing, keep dreaming. In a marriage typically one person is the "doer" and the other mostly takes or rejects what the "doer" has to say. For example, if you are the one in a marriage who always remembers important events like birthdays, anniversaries, etc., then you are the one who always gets the cards or gifts and always sees to it that they are mailed or given out to the appropriate parties on time. Your partner has willingly given you this task and you've done a good job at it.
Therefore, why in the world should the other care about this task? He or she wouldn't.
What if you were the mediator in your marriage between your spouse and a child perhaps? Every time your child would come to you to complain about treatment from your spouse, you would talk to the child and then talk to the offending spouse about resolving the issue with the child. Since, you have done a great job at this task also, why should anything change even if you have grown tired of the role and would like to change it?
In order to effect change in a relationship, something different needs to be done. If you've always sent out the cards and gifts for occasions, just stop. If you've been the mediator between mom/dad and child, stop. Allow the other spouse a chance to pick up on the task and work it out for themselves. It will be like having them look into the mirror for the first time and really see themselves--shortcomings and all.
Usually, the spouse who may be living in a dream world will rise to the occasion all by their lonesome; on other occasions, if nothing else it is a wake up call to become involved in other activities within the household.
It may be hard for you to give up the fix it, find it, cure it, attend to it role, but in the end it will be worth it. Giving up control, particularly if you are a control freak is difficult, but it will benefit your marriage and relieve needless stress on yourself.
I know I've mentioned somewhere in previous blogs that if you think marriage is a 50/50 thing, keep dreaming. In a marriage typically one person is the "doer" and the other mostly takes or rejects what the "doer" has to say. For example, if you are the one in a marriage who always remembers important events like birthdays, anniversaries, etc., then you are the one who always gets the cards or gifts and always sees to it that they are mailed or given out to the appropriate parties on time. Your partner has willingly given you this task and you've done a good job at it.
Therefore, why in the world should the other care about this task? He or she wouldn't.
What if you were the mediator in your marriage between your spouse and a child perhaps? Every time your child would come to you to complain about treatment from your spouse, you would talk to the child and then talk to the offending spouse about resolving the issue with the child. Since, you have done a great job at this task also, why should anything change even if you have grown tired of the role and would like to change it?
In order to effect change in a relationship, something different needs to be done. If you've always sent out the cards and gifts for occasions, just stop. If you've been the mediator between mom/dad and child, stop. Allow the other spouse a chance to pick up on the task and work it out for themselves. It will be like having them look into the mirror for the first time and really see themselves--shortcomings and all.
Usually, the spouse who may be living in a dream world will rise to the occasion all by their lonesome; on other occasions, if nothing else it is a wake up call to become involved in other activities within the household.
It may be hard for you to give up the fix it, find it, cure it, attend to it role, but in the end it will be worth it. Giving up control, particularly if you are a control freak is difficult, but it will benefit your marriage and relieve needless stress on yourself.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
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