Marriage in the News This Week

Those of us in the "marriage" community were saddened by several things that occurred in the last few weeks. On November 8, we lost a great lady named Peggy Vaughan who presented the idea that even through infidelity one can hang on to a relationship and move from pain to recovery. She was very outspoken about her husband's affair and became an "expert" on extramarital affairs. It was in 1980, on the Phil Donahue Show that she shared the story of her marriage.

Public reaction led her to create the Beyond Affairs Network to help others whose marriages were impacted by infidelity. In 1989, Vaughan published "The Monogamy Myth" which challenged many of the existing attitudes and assumptions about extramarital affairs. In 1991, she and her husband, James, began conducting public seminars for individuals and couples on "recovering from affairs". In 1992, the Vaughans wrote "Making Love Stay," which shared their insights about long-term relationships. In 2010, Peggy began a website called DearPeggy.com which one can view today. Due to charitable donations, her writings are available free of charge.

Dr. Frank Pittman died on November 24th. He wrote a regular column "Ask Dr. Frank" which used to appear in Psychology Today. Dr. Pittman was an active psychiatrist and family therapist in Atlanta from 1962 until his death. During his lifetime, he was a widely quoted author of "Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity" and "Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy." Infidelity was a central focus of his work. In 2003, Dr. Pittman was recognized with the Smart Marriages Impact Award at the annual conference of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.

Pittman was an unusual therapist. He pulled no punches with his patients and he did not believe in a therapist being "neutral." Explaining to people that they need to grow up and act like an adult was nothing new for Frank. My favorite quote of his is, "There's this great belief that if you are not getting everything your heart desires, you will be miserable. This is a dangerous belief. The failure to be blessed with a life that is a constant state of ecstatic wonder becomes a psychiatric emergency." These are the types of wisdom that he imparted to his patients and to the world. We will miss both Peggy Vaughan and Frank Pittman as they contributed so much to make our society a better state.

In the past few weeks, Mayim Blalik, a former actress and proponent of "attachment parenting" announced that he was divorcing her husband of nine years.
She has been on several television shows advocating the principles of attachment theory such as breastfeeding a child well beyond the average age, sharing a bed with your child (starting in infancy) and homeschooling. Earlier this year, Blalik wrote a book on the subject called, "Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way."

While Blalik insists that her pending divorce has nothing to do with her parenting philosophy, I say, bull. Show me a husband who has been displaced in the marital bed by their child and I will show you a dysfunctional husband/wife relationship. It's not just about sex either. A couple can have sex on the kitchen floor! It's much more. It is about intimacy. It is about cuddling with your spouse. It is about quiet time away from the children when you can share conversation and loving feelings. Children will feel loved and cared for when they see their parents loving and caring for each other.

Plus, children need and want separation from their parents. They need to learn to soothe themselves to begin to build confidence. They need their own space to develop away from their parent's breast. Overprotective and constantly doting parents cause a child to doubt their own resourcefulness. I know about this first hand so I feel comfortable saying this.

The best example for children learning how to be in the world is by modeling. Model a loving, respectful marriage and you are teaching your children a very valuable lesson.

Gray Divorce - continued.......

After writing my blog last night and having much trouble with my computer, I decided to add my own "take" today on why I think there is an abundance of folks over 50 divorcing. My comments are not scientific or from written data; they are from my keen observance and sense of humor!

I have many friends who have been married over 35 years and many are over 50 and even over 60. Most, when asked if they would marry the same man again, say YES. However, when I was asked, I said NO. I have been married almost 47 years and am over 60. I have nothing at all against marriage, including my own. But, I am a realist. When I married, I had just turned 19. What did I know about life and what expectations did I have about the future? Plus, like most women I know, time brings change.

I have changed in so many ways since 19. To most, I would be hardly recognizable. To the good man I married, I am grateful for his tolerance and acceptance. Yet, knowing what I know how about life, I would probably not marry him today. This has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. However, I love my husband now much differently than I did at 19.

Thus, when I read about the graying of divorce, I understand the reasons given by professionals as to why this is happening. I also recognize that the reasons below might play into women's decisions to call it quits:

1. Tired of talking and repeating ourselves
2. Intolerant of sharing the remote control
3. Worn out doing the laundry and turning things right side out
4. Realization that getting information about anything is our responsibility
5. Bored with sex and in some cases, waiting for ED drugs to kick in
6. Disgusted with asking driving directions
7. Fed up with being the social director
8. Annoyed with having to be the lead communicator

Add the list above to the "real" list and you can really see why "commitment" and "hard work" are required to stay married over 50.

Gray Divorce

In 1990, one of ten people getting divorced were over 50. Generally, we have seen Iothe divorce rates decreasing except for the over 50 crowd--hence the term ”gray divorce”. In fact, one in four couples over 50 are getting divorced and according to Professor Brown of Bowling Green State University, research shows that 600,000 people over 50 sought divorce in 2009.


One can only speculate why boomers are divorcing in such numbers. Perhaps one of the following may be a factor:


1. Longer life with an incompatible mate
2. No kids at home to stay together for
3. More working women who are financially stable, and
4. Less stigma regarding divorce


Interestingly enough, it is the women that initiates the divorce. Jay Lebow, a pschologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, says ”if late life divorce were a disease, it would be an epidemic.” Many boomers will go into old age unmarried.


This is so foreign to the generation of my parents. They definitely stayed married for the children......never mind that the dysfunctional relationship caused much angst for the kids. My mother never worked so how was she going to leave the marriage? She was completely dependent on your husband both emotionally and financially. And growing up, I didn't even have a friend whose parents were divorced.


What happened to commitment? What good things come to you without hard work? Maybe my contemporaries are just plain tired of both commitment and hard work. They want to be part of the ”me” generation that their kids know all too well.

As for me, it seems as though I only have questions but no real answers. What do you think?


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Why are boomers now seeking divorce? One can only specl

Is Your Marriage Hotter Than Hell?

I am on the East Coast and for most of the week, it has been hotter than hell here.  I think today was almost as hot as yesterday....around 100-105 degrees.  If you had to be outside, I feel for you and if you lost power, like many did, and had to endure this heat without air conditioning, I applaud your stamina and endurance.

Speaking of stamina and endurance, when it's that hot outside, how is it inside?  Are you edgy, impatient and sweaty?  Does making love and being "close" to a partner, make you even more miserable?  I can only speak for women since men's libido is rarely influenced by the weather!  Women want to be clean and .mostly dry for our lovemaking sessions so this heat could put a damper on our sex lives.  Turn up the fans or air conditioning and give us a cool drink and we should be ready to rumble once again.

And men let's not forget foreplay.  No, I don't mean the two second drill before penetration.  I mean the nice things that women expect days and hours before lovemaking.  You know, nice things like emptying the dishwasher, changing the baby, folding some laundry...........  Sure, flowers and perfume, let alone a nice piece of jewelry, can help too.  Oh, we want loving words and kind looks along with the help too.

Who knows how many dog days we need to suffer with the heat outside, but we should all know how to make our marriage and relationships hotter than hell.  Women have no excuse or free pass either.  We think with our heads and not with our genitals so we should know how to heat up a bedroom--even with the temperature set at a cool 73 degrees.

Predicting Whether a Marriage Succeeds or Fails

John Gottman, Ph.D. has been a psychologist researching marriages for a long time. He was most recently on the Anderson Cooper show describing the ways in which he predicts whether a marriage will succeed or fail based upon the way a couple argues. Gottman says that he can make these predictions with 94% accuracy based on watching the couples argue for only a short time.  Arguing in any relationship is touchy and marriage is no exception. Much is based on how you say things; not necessary what you say. Body language is important as well (no eye rolling please!)


I have said that words like "you never" or "you always" have no place in any dialogue and it's certainly true within a relationship like marriage. Likewise anything said that is insulting leads to a poor outcome. No one enjoys a partner who acts "superior" either. Whenever a spouse resorts to belittling and insulting, the other spouse either backs off completely or gets extremely defensive.

Gottman states that there are four things that predict marital doom when a couple argues:

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

To read more about the four no-nos in arguing, please visit http://isoulseek.com/sitebrances/relationshipskills/articles/6signs.pdf.

What you read will have a great impact to learn how to argue more productively and how to keep your marriage respectful, loving and enduring.

Marriage Counseling for Better or Worse

Marriage counseling is a difficult process. The New York Times ran an article last week entitled, "In Couple's Therapy, Three's a Crowd." Typically, one spouse drags the other to marriage counseling in hopes of changing their partner, all the while claiming that they are interested in changing their relationship. Sometimes, one of the partners seeks out counseling in order to get a "therapist-endorsed divorce". They believe that they have tried everything to better the relationship and going to the counselor is the last step. If the counselor seeks no help for them and everything else has been tried, divorce is the last resort.

If you think that marriage counseling is difficult for the clients, think about the difficulty in being the therapist! Not only is the counselor basically a bystander, but he/she is supposed to do something constructive among often a very volatile, often hostile environment. Two strong individuals are colliding and the counselor probably aligns more closely and sympathetically with only one client.

Before the early 60's, husbands and wives most commonly sought individual counseling, not couples counseling. The counsel was provided by a medical doctor, social worker or clergy. The mode of conversation was didactic......the counselor spelled out what the person "needed to do". When divorce rates started rising in the late 60's and 70's, the field of marriage therapy took off. As in family therapy, the people within were considered part of the family system and therapists began seeing most couples in pairs. Virginia Satir, considered the "mother of family therapy" claimed that the goal of marriage therapy was "not to maintain the relationship nor to separate the pair but to help each other to take charge of himself." Sadly, who or what is to be saved or taken charge of remains a mystery in some couples therapy practices. Is the client one of the spouses? Both? The relationship?

Marriage therapy sessions require structuring each session carefully. This takes lots of planning and care on the part of the therapist. You never want to get into a session where partners interrupt each other constantly and it becomes nothing more than he said, she said. While I have never personally been in marriage therapy, I did do family counseling in my internship where the marital issues came to the forefront and as a novice, I lost control of the session.

So, if you never need to seek the help of a marriage counselor, have mercy on them! More importantly, have enough respect to keep your blaming, name calling, brown bagging, to a minimum. No doubt, it can be helpful if you have a good therapist, go into the sessions with an open mind and a warm heart.

Better Than Vitamins

Dr. Oz tells us daily what vitamins and supplements we should take to prolong life and deter disease and we listen carefully. Did you know that you can prevent disease by just being married! Having a happy marriage can even extend your life 4 years while an unhappy marriage increases your chances of getting sick by 35%. Buying a vitamin or supplement to be healthier may seem easier than working to make your marriage healthier, but it will never be as rewarding or fun. Don't think I made up these figures......Researchers Verbrugge and House at the University of Michigan have many more stats for your perusal. John Gottman, Ph.D. has a new book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" and I can't wait to read it. No matter how good your marriage may be or how bad, you can always learn from a expert.

Unfortunately, as the divorce rate increased, we began to see marriage as a disposable commodity. If one partner wasn't happy or a partner sought change of another, it was easier to call an attorney and move on. However, divorce also has many negatives. Not only is it very expensive in general, but women of divorce suffer a dramatic financial downfall and accompanying change of lifestyle. This is particularly true when children are involved. And, divorce is extremely stressful. There doesn't appear to be a recipe for a perfect divorce.

As I have often said, there are deal breakers in a marriage that warrant divorce such as physical abuse and addiction. The grey line comes in when there is not physical abuse, but emotional abuse. Name calling and belittling have no place in a marriage. The marital state is supposed to be a "safe" haven. Ideally, your partner is your best friend--a person who you can go to when you need advice or help with anything. It is a person who can accept you as you are.....not constantly attempting to correct or change you. A marital state should also be a place where you can let yourself go and be fun with your partner. You can be silly and your strange quirks will accepted.

Marriages are not made of equal parts. Fifty-fifty doesn't exist. Each partner should strive to give the other 100%. You can sometimes fall out of "love" for each other, but you should never fall out of "like" for one another. The latter will become extremely valuable when unforeseen things in a marriage happen such as unemployment, illness, etc. And, we don't always have to love or even like a behavior we see in our spouse, but behavior is something that can be transient. Talk about the behavior, not about the person involved.

Take your vitamins, eat properly, get rest, live a less stressful life, but remember to treat your marriage with the same thoughtfulness and care. You will live longer too.

New Year, New Thoughts

It is almost 21 days since the new year and as it is supposed to take that many days to create a habit, I hope that your resolutions for the near year are almost habits. If they aren't, it is time to think about what is important in your life and resolve to work on making your life more healthful and more peaceful. While I have always been an advocate of commitment in relationships and don't often recommend throwing in the towel, I am also a realist. Not all things broken can be fixed and that includes poor relationships. Sometimes you just cut your losses and go on. Hopefully your marriage is still working for you and your spouse. If you are newly married there are many exciting adventures ahead of you. There will be ups and downs and you need to reflect on the ups. Work on the downs, but don't dwell on them. If you have been married for half your life as I have, you understand the importance of constant review of what initially attracted you to your spouse. Certainly, there have been physical changes to partners, but remembering the intrinsic things that drew you to each other can make difficult days less troubling. I am a big believer in deviating from the same old, same old. As a marriage gets more comfortable, so does the marriage get less exciting. Build some excitement in your marriage. Surprise your spouse with doing some new activity, visiting someplace new, or even using different languages of love to speak to each other. If, by some strange circumstance, you have been calling your spouse daddy or your wife mommy, as frequently occurs after children are born, stop that immediately. Your spouse is not your daddy or mommy and you must never confuse that the of husband and wife and daddy and mommy are very different. If you have young children, always remember that you are a couple first, then a daddy and mommy. With being loving partners, your children will never be whole. Children are very intuitive and can "read" how a relationship between daddy and mommy are doing in spite of a parents desire to "keep it from the kids." As Dr. Phil has always said, a bad relationship or marriage changes who kids are. As the child of a dysfunctional marriage, I can tell you first hand that staying together solely for the children does not work. It destroys the essence of childhood and puts stress on tiny shoulders. Arguing in a marriage or relationship is okay........In fact, it is very important. It's how we argue that creates the problems. When the politicians argue or "debate" on TV, it's entertaining and we watch for how fair the people are in their debates. So should watch ourselves for how we debate with our significant other. Are we too controlling, too verbal with negative thoughts, too wanting to be right and have the last word? That's the reason why I have always said that the most important part of a relationship is learning how to communicate. It should be mandatory for all couples getting married and it can make or break the most loving relationship. I mentioned earlier about deviation from the old in a relationship and since Valentine's Day is coming up soon, it is the perfect time to change it up a bit. If you have never given your significant other a nice card, flowers or candy, now is the time to give several cards, dozens of flowers, etc. Plant those flowers or cards all over the house, their place of work.....you get the idea. Instead of just a dinner out, make a hotel reservation, get a babysitter and take a day or two of just being with each other. No children(if you have them), no phone calls or blackberry. This is a new year. Make it your best one yet. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so appreciate today and make it the best for you and your loved ones.