Marriage and Children, Must They Go Together?

Back in the old days when I was a kid, children born to a male and female who were not married, was called having children "out of wedlock". Now that expression seems older than I am! Fewer people are getting married than ever and childbearing years have expanded into the 40's. Seems a bit strange that things have turned around so much in the last 20 years.

Does a child need a two-parent home or is it just a luxury like having 5 TVs in one household or giving a cellphone to a 10-year old child? When I see a single mom who has worked all day and then must go home and solely care for children, I can't help but wonder what "quality" time she has left to give to the children. Sure, there are supermoms and superdads, but I believe that they are few and far between.

Freud spoke about the various stages that children go through as they grow into adulthood. At some point in a child's life, they identify with the same sex parent and this parent becomes a role model for their healthy development. How does this happen in a single mom's home with a male child? Yes, they can have another male figure to model after, but is it the same as an old fashioned father who shares a loving home with a mother?

Frankly, I am in a quandry over this. There are many, many well-educated, mentally healthy, successful adults who were raised in a one-parent home. What is the main factor then that is in force in producing such offspring? Have any ideas--please enlighten this old grandma, will ya?

Marriage for anyone?

Wait a minute........is marriage only a union between a man and a woman? Obviously certain states believe that it is so. Religious leaders and conservatives agree that all other unions are not to be sanctioned. But what is marriage anyway and why do some want to marry and others not? Aren't all who are in love want to make it legal and marry? Should they be allowed to become a union that is recognized under the law?

These are social issues debated long ago and today. Freud spoke about homosexuality several years ago and it is still discussed today. Society evolves and changes and so does the thinking of mankind. What do you think? Let me know.

Marriage and Movies

I had the pleasure of seeing the movie, "Marley and Me." I would particularly recommend it if you are married and if you love animals. It's the story of a young couple who gets a puppy, a beautiful Labrador, and how this bad puppy causes so much havoc but grows with the family through the years. You see the young couple go through many professional and personal changes as they grow from just a couple to a family of three kids. At one point in the marriage, things gets tense and the motto is "Mend it, don't end it." If more marrieds followed their mantra, there were undoubtedly be less divorces.

Another movie I would hidely recommend for married couples to see is "Fireproof." It's about a couple who is having difficult times in their marriage and the husband see advice from his father. The father shares with his son about 30 techniques he should try to help rescue his marriage. Some work, some do not. However, the premise is wise. The movie has some Christian overtones and has been sanctioned by the church, but it is valuable for everyone to see.

Enjoy this Memorial Day and catch a good movie if you can!

Boredom in Marriage

New research out found that boredom in marriage, particularly at the 7-year mark, is a strong predictor of future unhappiness and loss of intimacy 9 years later. So, what can one do to keep a marriage from getting boring? First, as a female, don't be so predictable. Do something out of the ordinary. Hopefully, nothing that would impact the marriage negatively, of course. If you are a male, and let's say you never bring your wife anything, bring her flowers after a day at work. Even if it is just one rose. Never do the laundry? One day, put a load in the washing machine for her. A truly sexy man is one who can do laundry and vacuum!!!

Along with keeping your marriage alive would be getting away from the home on occasion. Book a motel for a night and if you have children, get someone to stay with the kids or farm them out to friends and relatives. You'd be surprised how refreshed you and your marriage will feel when you can spend some time alone with your spouse. (No speaking about the kids allowed.) If you can't get away, certainly make a regular date night. Arrange with friends who also have children to exchange babysitting so no money is involved.

Work on keeping excitement alive and well in your marriage. I truly believe it can be a marriage saver.

Marriage and In-Laws

When you get married, you are so infatuated with your new mate, that you seldom think about the extended family you are marrying also. That's why I recommend marrying an orphan! The "in-law" thing is very complicated and very sensitive. Mother-in-laws get the worse rap, followed by daughter-in-laws. If you are a mother-in-law with a great relationship with your daughter-in-law, consider yourself one of a few elite human beings. You have a DIL that is not afraid of you nor your relationship with your son.

If I went back to graduate school to get a Ph.D., it would probably be trying to understand why the inlaw thing is so antagonistic and difficult.

The one bit of amateur advice I have is try to get to know each other as individuals--not as assigned relatives. Find a common goal, if nothing more than a resolution to get along for the sake of family. I'll have more on this topic throughout the year because it's truly fascinating to me. If you are one of the lucky ones to have a great relationship with or as an inlaw, please comment.

Humor and Marriage

Does humor have a place in marriage? What's so funny anyway? Actually, humor belongs in most places--except perhaps at a funeral. Two people that live together day in and day out and face everyday issues of life, need some humor. You need to let your hair down and be silly at times. It keeps a relationship honest and loving. It also keeps one's marriage from getting boring. Plus, as everyone knows, laughter is good for you.

If you or your spouse are not folks that laugh easily, then learn how. Watch funny movies together. Read aloud from joke books. Do whatever you have to to learn how to laugh at funny things and better yet, to laugh at yourself. If we take ourselves too seriously, we are doomed to become depressed because we are not flawless human beings. You can hold yourself to high standards, but laugh at your shortcomings.

Marriage and Mother's Day (other holidays too)

One thing I've learned over the many years of marriage is that a spouse, particularly female, never gets tired of being recognized on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. In fact, it's a real disappointment when a spouse and or children completely forget or minimize such an occasion. If it's Mother's Day we are talking about, fathers should teach their children early on that on that day, mother will be treated as special with cards, gifts, and lots of affection. It's not necessary to spend lots of money either for a homemade card or gift is just as significant. The same applies to Father's Day. A dad should not be forgotten on his day.

Birthdays should be celebrated as well. What these shows of acknowledgement do is solidify love and caring and you can't do this too much in marriage or any meaningful relationship. Life often gets in the way of telling your love ones how much they mean. Perhaps that is why Hallmark came up with so many reasons to celebrate occasions.

Anniversaries too need celebrating--even if it means a walk in the park or breakfast in bed. Showing courtesy to those you care about goes a long, long way. Try it and you will see unbelievable results.

Marriage Necessities-Resisting and Resilience

Resist - dictionary says "oppose actively." Resilience - dictionary says "ability to recover quickly from illness, change or misfortune.

Enter, Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards and Mrs. Kate Gosselin..........two recent TV interviewees. Both married to handsome, intelligent men. Both suffering immensely because of their mates. John Edwards met his mistress when she saw him outside of a restaurant and went up to him and told him, "you are so hot." Clearly, John couldn't resist wanting to hop in bed to prove he was just that hot. His ego, which you would think would be large as a politician, needed the reinforcement from a complete stranger. Now, his wife, facing life threatening cancer, shows resilience and has just completed a book by the same title.

Kate Gosselin and her husband, Jon, stars of their own reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus Eight, "are fighting similar hurdles. Jon has been in the news and tabloids recently as having an affair with a younger woman while Kate was out of town. Jon, too, could not resist the lust or temptation and has caused his wife tremendous hurt. It doesn't really matter if like John Edwards, he had a sexual affair or not. Kate Gosselin will now have to muster up the same resilience that Elizabeth Edwards possesses. It's all so unnecessary.

On Challenging Days, Dig Deep

Marriage is no different than any other "condition" or "state of being". Some days are rewarding and fulfilling and other days are plain out rough and challenging. You mental state has a lot to do with how you feel about any situation. If you are relaxed and content, challenges that come up in everyday living, including marriage, are dealt with in a more functional way.

Thus, if you have had a stressful day at work or at home, it's not the time to "discuss" a habit that your spouse has that has been annoying to you. Plan on engaging in this discussion another day. Dirty socks thrown on the bedroom floor can wait another day! Remember too, whenever you get into a meaningful discussion of "annoying habits," that you too have some. In fact, we all do. Is it even worth discussing period? It is something that on good days you can live with? If so, why not forget it? Save your battles for really important issues.

As Dr. Phil says, there are certain "deal breakers" in a marriage such as physical or emotional abuse or addictions. I am not talking about these tremendous obstacles. (I will, another time.) I am talking about the right time to discuss everyday annoyances and issues. Pick your day and pick your mood. It will make challenging days less frequent.

Listening - Key to Marital Contentment

Nothing feels better than being listened to. Nothing makes you feel more respected and more loved than being listened to by your mate. Always make time in your day for a least a few minutes of conversation. Practice listening to your mate speak. No response allowed (at first). Just look your spouse in the eyes and nod in agreement. When you get really skilled in the basics, then it's time to learn the true art of listening in giving feedback in a positive way. Making your partner feel "heard" is a skill that will last a lifetime and will keep your marriage going about that long as well.

More on the subject another time. I must listen to my spouse now--and no interruptions allowed!!