Britain's longest married couple, both 97 years young were interviewed recently. They met when they were 16 years old and married at 19 years of age, 78 years ago. Dorie and Harold Coupland had a hasty marriage with no wedding and no honeymoon. And, no, not the hasty marriages we think of today. After the wedding, they went back to her home and her mother made them some sandwiches. Dorie rightly says, "There was no need for a big to do. It's about the marriage and not the wedding." (Listen up all you engaged couples!)
This couple worked together into their seventies and raised two children. Dorie and Harold said that they seldom argued and couldn't remember any "rough patches." They looked out for each other and admit that things might be different if they had married in these days.
They state that they liked being together and neither of them had an eye for anyone else and jealousy was never an issue. Dorie says that Harold let her be who she wanted to be; otherwise she says that it just wouldn't have worked. They worked hard all day and danced at night.
If only we could take some advice from this couple because everything they shared was worthy for any good relationship.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Marriage Survives and Thrives In Spite of Tragedy
Today's Oprah show really tugged at my heart. The story itself was amazing in many respects. Why? Simply put, marriage is hard pressed to withstand tragedies including the death of a child, or in fact, a serious illness of a spouse or child. Partners tend to grieve by themselves and don't share some important, intimate feelings. This alienation causes partners to divorce.
The family on Oprah today faced the ultimate tragedy. They lost three beautiful children under the age of 6 in a violent accident on a CA highway when a truck rammed into the rear of their mini-van. The mother was driving and her mother was sitting next to her in the passenger seat. The children were in the back seats. They were killed immediately.
I thought to myself....how can anyone go on after that loss? The parents were obviously still moved to tears three years later when they viewed the films of their children that Oprah flashed before the cameras. The husband told Oprah that they immediately sought professional counseling which had, in fact, saved their marriage. They held back nothing from each other including a pack they made with each other NOT to commit suicide and leave the other spouse with yet an additional loss.
The husband took six months off of work to be at home with his wife. Afterall, three littles ones fill a home with lots of sounds and now the place was one of unbearable silence. The couple worked hard at communicating all feelings--good and bad. They knew too, that they wanted more children because their hearts needed to be filled once again.
However, one of them had been sterilized so the only way to achieve pregnancy was through in vitro fertization. Three months after their intense loss, she was pregnant. And, with God working in miraculous ways, pregnant with triples--one boy and two girls (the same sexes of the children who died). The little ones are now 2 1/2 years old and incredibly beautiful.
No, they didn't replace the ones who passed away, but they do bring loads of love and laughter who this couple when they needed it the most. Had they not turned towards each other in this time of devastation, the marriage would have ended.
Thus, when you think you can't face another day of a problematic spouse, think about getting help and turn towards each other. Open communication like you've never experienced. Your marriage might survive and thrive as well.
The family on Oprah today faced the ultimate tragedy. They lost three beautiful children under the age of 6 in a violent accident on a CA highway when a truck rammed into the rear of their mini-van. The mother was driving and her mother was sitting next to her in the passenger seat. The children were in the back seats. They were killed immediately.
I thought to myself....how can anyone go on after that loss? The parents were obviously still moved to tears three years later when they viewed the films of their children that Oprah flashed before the cameras. The husband told Oprah that they immediately sought professional counseling which had, in fact, saved their marriage. They held back nothing from each other including a pack they made with each other NOT to commit suicide and leave the other spouse with yet an additional loss.
The husband took six months off of work to be at home with his wife. Afterall, three littles ones fill a home with lots of sounds and now the place was one of unbearable silence. The couple worked hard at communicating all feelings--good and bad. They knew too, that they wanted more children because their hearts needed to be filled once again.
However, one of them had been sterilized so the only way to achieve pregnancy was through in vitro fertization. Three months after their intense loss, she was pregnant. And, with God working in miraculous ways, pregnant with triples--one boy and two girls (the same sexes of the children who died). The little ones are now 2 1/2 years old and incredibly beautiful.
No, they didn't replace the ones who passed away, but they do bring loads of love and laughter who this couple when they needed it the most. Had they not turned towards each other in this time of devastation, the marriage would have ended.
Thus, when you think you can't face another day of a problematic spouse, think about getting help and turn towards each other. Open communication like you've never experienced. Your marriage might survive and thrive as well.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Two Conflicting Theories about Divorce...Till Death Do Us Part or Whatever”
In an earlier blog article, I wrote that the highest divorce rate today appears to be among those married 20 to 40 years. According to Wharton economist, Betty Stevenson, this is termed “gray divorce” with 1/3 of divorces among this group. Stevenson puts an interesting spin on these breakups…….a positive one……using changes in gender roles, more equality, folks living healthier and longer as some of the reasons. In an interview with NPR, she even went so far as to say we should not look at the divorce rate as a failure in marriage, but as a “celebration of life.”
On the other end of the spectrum regarding thinking about divorce is Dr. William Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He criticizes our culture as too quick to divorce. I admit that I am a bit old fashioned too and believe as Doherty does that marriage is a promise/commitment and one’s integrity is involved in honoring that promise. “What’s the meaning of the promise if you don’t bend heaven and earth to keep it,” he says and I couldn’t agree more. I have been married almost 45 years and if I had not valued my marriage commitment as I do, the marriage would have never lasted.
Doherty, who is also a couples therapist, says marriage isn’t about what you are feeling for each other on any given day because on many days, love isn’t even on the top 10 list. He believes that you can’t have a feelings based or consumer marriage whereby as long as your spouse is meeting your needs, you stay and if the cost goes up and rewards go down, you jump ship. We begin to constantly question, “How happy is this marriage making me?” The answer may not be good if we do this. I will even go so far as to say that this view has entered my mind from time to time as well.
In surveys where divorced people are asked why they split, Doherty says that “soft reasons” are rising. Soft reasons are that loving feelings aren’t there, sex isn’t good, we see life so differently, etc. I have always advocated, as does Doherty, that it’s the “hard reasons” that could result in divorce. Hard reasons are things I call deal breakers and include physical/emotional abuse, drug or gambling addiction, chronic infidelity and major lying.
It’s often the soft reasons that confuse my thinking about marriage and my commitment to it. At my age I ask myself, should I spend whatever years I have left in a marriage that causes me stress and angst? Should I become another “gray divorcee”? It is a question that I can’t ask myself on a day to day basis. I must continue to value the promise I made almost 45 years ago and have the integrity to stay committed.
On the other end of the spectrum regarding thinking about divorce is Dr. William Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He criticizes our culture as too quick to divorce. I admit that I am a bit old fashioned too and believe as Doherty does that marriage is a promise/commitment and one’s integrity is involved in honoring that promise. “What’s the meaning of the promise if you don’t bend heaven and earth to keep it,” he says and I couldn’t agree more. I have been married almost 45 years and if I had not valued my marriage commitment as I do, the marriage would have never lasted.
Doherty, who is also a couples therapist, says marriage isn’t about what you are feeling for each other on any given day because on many days, love isn’t even on the top 10 list. He believes that you can’t have a feelings based or consumer marriage whereby as long as your spouse is meeting your needs, you stay and if the cost goes up and rewards go down, you jump ship. We begin to constantly question, “How happy is this marriage making me?” The answer may not be good if we do this. I will even go so far as to say that this view has entered my mind from time to time as well.
In surveys where divorced people are asked why they split, Doherty says that “soft reasons” are rising. Soft reasons are that loving feelings aren’t there, sex isn’t good, we see life so differently, etc. I have always advocated, as does Doherty, that it’s the “hard reasons” that could result in divorce. Hard reasons are things I call deal breakers and include physical/emotional abuse, drug or gambling addiction, chronic infidelity and major lying.
It’s often the soft reasons that confuse my thinking about marriage and my commitment to it. At my age I ask myself, should I spend whatever years I have left in a marriage that causes me stress and angst? Should I become another “gray divorcee”? It is a question that I can’t ask myself on a day to day basis. I must continue to value the promise I made almost 45 years ago and have the integrity to stay committed.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Top Predictors of Marital Happiness in Women (In order of Importance)
1. Husband’s Emotional Engagement – Women married to men who make an effort to listen to them, who express affection or appreciation on a regular basis and who share quality time on a regular basis (date night, frequent conversation on mutual interests are happiest.
2. Fairness – Women who feel that housework and other family responsibilities are fairly divided appear happier.
3. A Breadwinning Husband – American wives, even feminists, are typically happier when their husbands earn 68% or more of the household income. Husbands who are successful breadwinners probably give wives an opportunity to make choices about work and family.
4. A Commitment to Marriage – Wives who share a strong commitment to their husbands and to the lifelong marriage paradigm are happier. Shared commitment generates a sense of trust, emotional security and a willingness to sacrifice for one’s spouse.
5. Staying Home – Wives who stay home rather than work outside the home appear to be happier. Study finds that working women are less likely to spend quality time with their husbands.
6. Shared Religious Attendance – Wives who attend church or some other worship service with their husbands are happier than those who do not.
7. Traditional Gender Attitudes – Wives who hold more traditional gender attitudes, e.g., believe that wives should focus on nurturing/homemaking and husbands should focus on breadwinning. These women are happier than those who hold more feminist attitudes.
Study by W. Bradford Wilcox, Director, National Marrige Project at the Univ. of VA.
2. Fairness – Women who feel that housework and other family responsibilities are fairly divided appear happier.
3. A Breadwinning Husband – American wives, even feminists, are typically happier when their husbands earn 68% or more of the household income. Husbands who are successful breadwinners probably give wives an opportunity to make choices about work and family.
4. A Commitment to Marriage – Wives who share a strong commitment to their husbands and to the lifelong marriage paradigm are happier. Shared commitment generates a sense of trust, emotional security and a willingness to sacrifice for one’s spouse.
5. Staying Home – Wives who stay home rather than work outside the home appear to be happier. Study finds that working women are less likely to spend quality time with their husbands.
6. Shared Religious Attendance – Wives who attend church or some other worship service with their husbands are happier than those who do not.
7. Traditional Gender Attitudes – Wives who hold more traditional gender attitudes, e.g., believe that wives should focus on nurturing/homemaking and husbands should focus on breadwinning. These women are happier than those who hold more feminist attitudes.
Study by W. Bradford Wilcox, Director, National Marrige Project at the Univ. of VA.
Monday, August 2, 2010
New to Marriage - Sleeping Alone
When I was young, I could not understand why my parents slept in a small double bed. It’s not that they were so big, but my mom used to complain that she could never get a good night’s sleep with him getting in and out of bed to urinate. Thus, as they aged and moved, my mom decided it was high time to get twin beds and that’s exactly what they did.
Believe it or not, today’s married couples are going one step further……they are sleeping in separate bedrooms (NYT 7/23/10). Nearly one in four American couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds as reported by the National Sleep Foundation in a 2005 survey. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60% of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms by 2015. Even Hollywood celebrities like Mr. and Mrs. Jonas (Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers), who recently wed, sleep separately as Kevin is known to be a freight train snorer.
Those that sleep separately cite a bunch of reasons for their habit, including sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, one mate’s desire for TV watching late into the night, etc. A sleep specialist said that in the last decade, people are making their own sleep a priority. Therefore, if their rest is being impaired by a mate, the attitude is that they will not put up with it.
With the advent of technology and those folks obsessed with their Blackberries, one can see how the bedroom is not the sanctuary that it once was anyway. In an age where partners no longer eat together, pray together or exercise together, sleeping together may be the last evidence of togetherness in relationships. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Even the loudest snorers can be quieted!
On the other side of the coin (or bed), a psychiatry professor interviewed 42 couples for his book, “Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing.” He came to some interesting observations:
• Co-sleeping is better for your health
• Co-sleeping is better for your sex life
• Co-sleeping is better for your security
To enhance co-sleeping one should dignify the American bed by:
• Make it. It takes less than a minute and makes you feel good all day.
• Declutter it. Feng shui masters say that adjusting the environs around the bed can bring couples closer together. Clean off those nightstands piled high with dusty books and catalogs.
• Sanctify it. Sleep specialists say that those who pray before they go to bed are more likely to get a good night’s sleep. Any ritual will do such as meditating, reading a poem or keeping a journal.
• Choreograph it. Most couples sleep best with their backs together, facing away from each other. Flexed knees and bad breathe may be the best reasons for this, but adjust your strategy as best suits each person.
Let’s not let marital bed become two beds or worse, a bed in two rooms.
Believe it or not, today’s married couples are going one step further……they are sleeping in separate bedrooms (NYT 7/23/10). Nearly one in four American couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds as reported by the National Sleep Foundation in a 2005 survey. The National Association of Home Builders expects 60% of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms by 2015. Even Hollywood celebrities like Mr. and Mrs. Jonas (Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers), who recently wed, sleep separately as Kevin is known to be a freight train snorer.
Those that sleep separately cite a bunch of reasons for their habit, including sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, one mate’s desire for TV watching late into the night, etc. A sleep specialist said that in the last decade, people are making their own sleep a priority. Therefore, if their rest is being impaired by a mate, the attitude is that they will not put up with it.
With the advent of technology and those folks obsessed with their Blackberries, one can see how the bedroom is not the sanctuary that it once was anyway. In an age where partners no longer eat together, pray together or exercise together, sleeping together may be the last evidence of togetherness in relationships. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Even the loudest snorers can be quieted!
On the other side of the coin (or bed), a psychiatry professor interviewed 42 couples for his book, “Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing.” He came to some interesting observations:
• Co-sleeping is better for your health
• Co-sleeping is better for your sex life
• Co-sleeping is better for your security
To enhance co-sleeping one should dignify the American bed by:
• Make it. It takes less than a minute and makes you feel good all day.
• Declutter it. Feng shui masters say that adjusting the environs around the bed can bring couples closer together. Clean off those nightstands piled high with dusty books and catalogs.
• Sanctify it. Sleep specialists say that those who pray before they go to bed are more likely to get a good night’s sleep. Any ritual will do such as meditating, reading a poem or keeping a journal.
• Choreograph it. Most couples sleep best with their backs together, facing away from each other. Flexed knees and bad breathe may be the best reasons for this, but adjust your strategy as best suits each person.
Let’s not let marital bed become two beds or worse, a bed in two rooms.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Long Lasting Marriages Have Common Elements
There was a survey taken of long lasting marital partners and certain qualities were common:
Good sex
Let partner know you are in pain; ask for attention you need
Don't take everything as criticism
Always have something to look forward to
Be open--say what's on your mind
Help each other with chores
Support each other
Talk nicely to each other
Nurture your love
Pick your battles
Don't be passive-agressive
Stimulate each other intellectually
Exhibit humor
What do you think about these? Do you have any other things to add to this list?
Good sex
Let partner know you are in pain; ask for attention you need
Don't take everything as criticism
Always have something to look forward to
Be open--say what's on your mind
Help each other with chores
Support each other
Talk nicely to each other
Nurture your love
Pick your battles
Don't be passive-agressive
Stimulate each other intellectually
Exhibit humor
What do you think about these? Do you have any other things to add to this list?
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Marriage Is A Work in Progress
No matter how many years you have been married, don't think for a minute that you can stop working in or on your marriage. Intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom, it begins in the living room, in the kitchen or anywhere where you partners can look each other in the eyes and really communicate. "Really communicate" doesn't mean discussing the neighbors, the children or your daily activities. Communication has to do with sharing how you are really feeling with regard to your partner.
What do you feel is missing in your relationship? What is keeping intimacy from moving from the kitchen to the bedroom? Do you feel that your partner is truly interested in how you feel? If not, why not? Are you open with your feelings? Do you express what you need from your partner? Women, in particular like to think that if their partner were truly interested in them and invested in the marriage, that you shouldn't have to "beg" for what you need. In fact, it's not begging that is required to get the message across, but rather a loving technique to express your needs.
Expressing one's needs may also require specifics. If you tell your spouse that you need him/her to show more empathy or concern, don't leave it up to him/her to know how. You might need to give examples of how empathy or concern would look to you. What would be required of your partner to "show" you in actions. Talking to a partner in generalized, generic ways may just not work. Once, you give specifics to a partner on what they need to do to help you, you may find that the partner needs prompting or reminding.
Changes in behaviors take time and practice so be patient. Make sure that when you relate your needs to a partner, that you have their complete attention. Eye to eye contact if preferred so doing it in a car may not be the best way. Of course, talking when you partner is watching the TV or reading the paper would definitely not be a good technique to build deep communication.
Keep your expectations reasonable. Be willing to do some compromising while your partner is learning (or refreshing) your "needs" list. Marriage is not a walk in the park. You get from it what you give.
What do you feel is missing in your relationship? What is keeping intimacy from moving from the kitchen to the bedroom? Do you feel that your partner is truly interested in how you feel? If not, why not? Are you open with your feelings? Do you express what you need from your partner? Women, in particular like to think that if their partner were truly interested in them and invested in the marriage, that you shouldn't have to "beg" for what you need. In fact, it's not begging that is required to get the message across, but rather a loving technique to express your needs.
Expressing one's needs may also require specifics. If you tell your spouse that you need him/her to show more empathy or concern, don't leave it up to him/her to know how. You might need to give examples of how empathy or concern would look to you. What would be required of your partner to "show" you in actions. Talking to a partner in generalized, generic ways may just not work. Once, you give specifics to a partner on what they need to do to help you, you may find that the partner needs prompting or reminding.
Changes in behaviors take time and practice so be patient. Make sure that when you relate your needs to a partner, that you have their complete attention. Eye to eye contact if preferred so doing it in a car may not be the best way. Of course, talking when you partner is watching the TV or reading the paper would definitely not be a good technique to build deep communication.
Keep your expectations reasonable. Be willing to do some compromising while your partner is learning (or refreshing) your "needs" list. Marriage is not a walk in the park. You get from it what you give.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tipper and Al: Tell Us It Ain't So
When I heard the shocking news about Al and Tipper Gore splitting after 40 years of marriage, I wanted to cry. How could it be so? I remembered their long kiss at the 2000 Democratic National Convention. I wanted the passion they displayed in front of Americans something we could be proud of as married couples. Now that they are divorcing, I am wondering the fate of my own marriage.
The Wall Street Journal last Thursday had some interesting things to speculate regarding long term marriages and why some social workers and attorneys are seeing more and more of these marriages going by the wayside. Longevity, economics and cravings for happiness and self expression are some new paradigms we face now as older human beings. We are living longer and we want to spend our last days with someone who fulfills us. Sounds logical and simple, right? Not so much.
Thirty to 40 year-old marriages are the most common time for divorce say some divorce attorneys. Working wives are less dependent on their husbands for financial support and husbands have viagra and other incentives to find other romances. Children are grown and even marital sex is a "vague memory." Even though we don't know the reasons behind the Gore's split, authorities state that the trigger for a breakup is often a third party. "It's extraordinarily unusual for men to leave without having somebody." Perhaps, not quite an affair yet, but waiting arms for them elsewhere.
A LA psychiatrist developed "recoupling therapy" to help divorced couples reunite, including seeing other issues behind later-in-life breakups including tensions related to adult children. Oftentimes, people just decide is it finally 'their' time to embrace their true calling. According to Census stats, of the 8.1 million women who were married between 1970 and 1974, just over 1/2 made it to their 30th wedding anniversary compared with about 60% for women married between 1960 and 1964. I was married in 1966 and I wonder where I stand!!
A new British study of 500 couples found that people married one year spend 40 minutes of an hour long dinner engaged in conversation. By 20 years of marriage, they're down to 21 mins, by 30 years it's 16 minutes. For those married 50 years, they are talking a mere three minutes. No wonder you see many older married couples reading the newspaper at the table. The silence is deafening.
The problem is really that people are living too long and therefore, marriages may be overstaying their welcome. Couples may be just getting bored with each other. Therapists advise us to check in with each other, to see if our marriages are on track and our needs are being met. Long-term marriages also need to be more about a partnership and less about the children. A self-help book, "Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage" is a good place to start guiding your relationship through the challenges and mysteries that may lie ahead.
While the court is still out on why the Gores are going their separate ways after 40 years, one can see how their own relationship may have changed over the last decade. Al does a ton of travelling with this "green" team and Tipper has her own business in Tennessee. Yet, regardless of why, I am thinking much more about the fate of my own marriage after 44 years and the challenges my husband and I face in this new age of possibilities.
The Wall Street Journal last Thursday had some interesting things to speculate regarding long term marriages and why some social workers and attorneys are seeing more and more of these marriages going by the wayside. Longevity, economics and cravings for happiness and self expression are some new paradigms we face now as older human beings. We are living longer and we want to spend our last days with someone who fulfills us. Sounds logical and simple, right? Not so much.
Thirty to 40 year-old marriages are the most common time for divorce say some divorce attorneys. Working wives are less dependent on their husbands for financial support and husbands have viagra and other incentives to find other romances. Children are grown and even marital sex is a "vague memory." Even though we don't know the reasons behind the Gore's split, authorities state that the trigger for a breakup is often a third party. "It's extraordinarily unusual for men to leave without having somebody." Perhaps, not quite an affair yet, but waiting arms for them elsewhere.
A LA psychiatrist developed "recoupling therapy" to help divorced couples reunite, including seeing other issues behind later-in-life breakups including tensions related to adult children. Oftentimes, people just decide is it finally 'their' time to embrace their true calling. According to Census stats, of the 8.1 million women who were married between 1970 and 1974, just over 1/2 made it to their 30th wedding anniversary compared with about 60% for women married between 1960 and 1964. I was married in 1966 and I wonder where I stand!!
A new British study of 500 couples found that people married one year spend 40 minutes of an hour long dinner engaged in conversation. By 20 years of marriage, they're down to 21 mins, by 30 years it's 16 minutes. For those married 50 years, they are talking a mere three minutes. No wonder you see many older married couples reading the newspaper at the table. The silence is deafening.
The problem is really that people are living too long and therefore, marriages may be overstaying their welcome. Couples may be just getting bored with each other. Therapists advise us to check in with each other, to see if our marriages are on track and our needs are being met. Long-term marriages also need to be more about a partnership and less about the children. A self-help book, "Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage" is a good place to start guiding your relationship through the challenges and mysteries that may lie ahead.
While the court is still out on why the Gores are going their separate ways after 40 years, one can see how their own relationship may have changed over the last decade. Al does a ton of travelling with this "green" team and Tipper has her own business in Tennessee. Yet, regardless of why, I am thinking much more about the fate of my own marriage after 44 years and the challenges my husband and I face in this new age of possibilities.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Secrets to a Good Marriage
Authors Markman, Stanley and Blumberg have just released their updated book, “Fighting for your Marriage.” Marriage communication, conflict management and negotiation skills are more important than ever in these different marital times. If you think the hard part of marriage is over when you walk down the aisle, think again. Results from a longitudinal study begun in 1996 predicting divorce, showed anxieties about financial pressures, depression, job loss, technology and anxieties about war and terrorism pulling marriages apart.
Even though almost 20% of couples who wed met online, the internet can raise havoc in a marriage when a partner gets addicted to pornography sites, excessively uses the cell phone to call and text and visits dating sites (that encourage cheating). Fighting over time spent on facebook or questions about the correctness of sending a text during a romantic evening out or bringing a laptop on a vacation is now commonplace.
“5 Simple Steps to Take your Marriage from Good to Great” by Markham and Orbuch is a good place to get some marital hints. They seem simple and logical, don’t they? [I know that there are more than 5, but who’s counting?]
Do Sweat the Small Stuff – Everyday annoyances that accumulate over time lead to unhappiness and divorce.
Know When to Hold Them – Talk about important issues when both partners are calm and not irritated.
Maintain Passionate Sex – Fuel the passion in your relationship by trying new and novel shared experiences that surprise and increase adrenaline.
One Minute Rule – Spend at least one minute each day talking about anything but work, family or the state of the relationship (think about value driven, open questions).
Give Men the Affection They Crave – Affective affirmation, compliments and encourage are needed from wives. Women need it to but can get it from others sources such as their mothers, sisters, best friends and even strangers make positive comments about their hair, clothing etc.
Not so much for men.
Don’t Live Together Unless You Are Planning a Future Together –People who lived together without any commitment to marry are 25% more likely to get divorced once they did marry. Accumulating things together, including children, cause couples to marriage out of pressure.
Even though almost 20% of couples who wed met online, the internet can raise havoc in a marriage when a partner gets addicted to pornography sites, excessively uses the cell phone to call and text and visits dating sites (that encourage cheating). Fighting over time spent on facebook or questions about the correctness of sending a text during a romantic evening out or bringing a laptop on a vacation is now commonplace.
“5 Simple Steps to Take your Marriage from Good to Great” by Markham and Orbuch is a good place to get some marital hints. They seem simple and logical, don’t they? [I know that there are more than 5, but who’s counting?]
Do Sweat the Small Stuff – Everyday annoyances that accumulate over time lead to unhappiness and divorce.
Know When to Hold Them – Talk about important issues when both partners are calm and not irritated.
Maintain Passionate Sex – Fuel the passion in your relationship by trying new and novel shared experiences that surprise and increase adrenaline.
One Minute Rule – Spend at least one minute each day talking about anything but work, family or the state of the relationship (think about value driven, open questions).
Give Men the Affection They Crave – Affective affirmation, compliments and encourage are needed from wives. Women need it to but can get it from others sources such as their mothers, sisters, best friends and even strangers make positive comments about their hair, clothing etc.
Not so much for men.
Don’t Live Together Unless You Are Planning a Future Together –People who lived together without any commitment to marry are 25% more likely to get divorced once they did marry. Accumulating things together, including children, cause couples to marriage out of pressure.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
New Articles about Marriage
I am always on the lookout for interesting articles about marriage and this week there have been a few new ones.
One I heard about is interesting. I know I have spoken about some of these issues in my past blogs, but it bears repeating. I believe in marriage and I believe in the commitment that one makes when one gets married. However, there are “deal breakers.” What this means is that there are certain diseases that attack a marriage which often result in its demise.
• Infidelity 33%
• Chronic fighting 28%
• No longer in love 24%
• Boredom 8%
• Sexual incompatibility 7%
All of these “deal breakers” are of course, subjective. In my mind, much bigger “deal breakers” are physical/emotional abuse, drug/alcohol addiction, criminal activity and the latest fad, sexual addiction.
We have heard lots about infidelity these days in the media and it is always interesting to see which marriages end up surviving it or not. Chronic fighting may be fixable but falling out of love may be a cancer to the marriage.
I read an article today on how people usually marriage someone with opposite spending habits from their spouse. If one partner loves to spend money, a good match is to a spouse who loves to save money. It goes with the theory that opposites attract.
Living with someone with a different style around money can be a great challenge. Indeed, money disagreements are the top reason that couples fight and those fights about finances are the best indicator of divorce. Therefore, it is important to recognize, understand and be able to work with different styles of money management for a marriage to be happy and healthy. Many pre-marital education and counseling courses focus on this vital issue.
Another article I read about was the effects of minor irritations on a marriage. When you first get married, it seems that minor irritations just evaporate like raindrops on a hot pavement. However, when you are over the honeymoon phase, minor irritations cause eruptions like volcanoes. I am of the belief that when minor irritations become frequent and bring an aura of discontent, there is usually a bigger issue that has not been discussed/resolved between partners. Once the bigger issue is resolved, the minor irritations once again become solvable.
I saw a book that looks intriguing. It’s called “Laugh your Way to a Better Marriage” by Mark Gungor. Moreover, couldn’t we all use a laugh now and then?
One I heard about is interesting. I know I have spoken about some of these issues in my past blogs, but it bears repeating. I believe in marriage and I believe in the commitment that one makes when one gets married. However, there are “deal breakers.” What this means is that there are certain diseases that attack a marriage which often result in its demise.
• Infidelity 33%
• Chronic fighting 28%
• No longer in love 24%
• Boredom 8%
• Sexual incompatibility 7%
All of these “deal breakers” are of course, subjective. In my mind, much bigger “deal breakers” are physical/emotional abuse, drug/alcohol addiction, criminal activity and the latest fad, sexual addiction.
We have heard lots about infidelity these days in the media and it is always interesting to see which marriages end up surviving it or not. Chronic fighting may be fixable but falling out of love may be a cancer to the marriage.
I read an article today on how people usually marriage someone with opposite spending habits from their spouse. If one partner loves to spend money, a good match is to a spouse who loves to save money. It goes with the theory that opposites attract.
Living with someone with a different style around money can be a great challenge. Indeed, money disagreements are the top reason that couples fight and those fights about finances are the best indicator of divorce. Therefore, it is important to recognize, understand and be able to work with different styles of money management for a marriage to be happy and healthy. Many pre-marital education and counseling courses focus on this vital issue.
Another article I read about was the effects of minor irritations on a marriage. When you first get married, it seems that minor irritations just evaporate like raindrops on a hot pavement. However, when you are over the honeymoon phase, minor irritations cause eruptions like volcanoes. I am of the belief that when minor irritations become frequent and bring an aura of discontent, there is usually a bigger issue that has not been discussed/resolved between partners. Once the bigger issue is resolved, the minor irritations once again become solvable.
I saw a book that looks intriguing. It’s called “Laugh your Way to a Better Marriage” by Mark Gungor. Moreover, couldn’t we all use a laugh now and then?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Divorcing? Better Put It on Hold
Divorce rates are down to 40% these days. During 2008, the first year of the recession, 838,000 divorces were granted in 44 states. A year earlier, 856,000 divorces were finalized. It’s not a reduction due to any revelation on the part of married couples nor has marriage education been a factor (although I wish I could make the claim).
What has contributed in a strange way is the poor economy—particularly depressed housing values and disappearing jobs. Divorce has become a luxury beyond the reach of some miserable couples. There is often not enough money to pay for two households, to hire expensive lawyers and to fight over children in court. While waiting out the economic storms, many couples are living together as they separate. Lawyers who have been in the divorce business for many, many years say that they have never seem a time like this one.
History tells us that this recession bears similarities to the Great Depression because in the 1930s, divorce rates fell amid the worse of economic times only to rise as the country recovered. This recession has probably caused a backlog who can’t afford to divorce right now, but would sincerely like to. Sociologist, Andrew Cherlin, predicts a surge in divorce cases the first several recovery years in this century. “The longer this severe economic downturn continues, the larger the backlog will be.”
Living in a home as "separated" spouses can't be easy for anyone--particularly children. Rather than taking this passive-agressive role, perhaps couples should use this time to consider all the stressors facing them as a couple that may in some ways contribute to the demise of the marriage. Go for individual counseling. Get marital counseling. End extramarital relationships (if you have any). Remember the earlier and better times of your marital life. What brought you together?
While lawyers may be sitting around waiting for your business when the economy recovers, you as a couple/family need to get moving now.
What has contributed in a strange way is the poor economy—particularly depressed housing values and disappearing jobs. Divorce has become a luxury beyond the reach of some miserable couples. There is often not enough money to pay for two households, to hire expensive lawyers and to fight over children in court. While waiting out the economic storms, many couples are living together as they separate. Lawyers who have been in the divorce business for many, many years say that they have never seem a time like this one.
History tells us that this recession bears similarities to the Great Depression because in the 1930s, divorce rates fell amid the worse of economic times only to rise as the country recovered. This recession has probably caused a backlog who can’t afford to divorce right now, but would sincerely like to. Sociologist, Andrew Cherlin, predicts a surge in divorce cases the first several recovery years in this century. “The longer this severe economic downturn continues, the larger the backlog will be.”
Living in a home as "separated" spouses can't be easy for anyone--particularly children. Rather than taking this passive-agressive role, perhaps couples should use this time to consider all the stressors facing them as a couple that may in some ways contribute to the demise of the marriage. Go for individual counseling. Get marital counseling. End extramarital relationships (if you have any). Remember the earlier and better times of your marital life. What brought you together?
While lawyers may be sitting around waiting for your business when the economy recovers, you as a couple/family need to get moving now.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Another One Bites the Dust
Wasn't it just a few weeks ago when we were watching the Academy Awards and Sandra Bullock won for best actress? She kissed her husband (Jesse James) before she walked on stage and in addition to thanking her deceased mother, she thanked her beloved husband for his support. The camera panned the audience for us to see her beloved spouse Jesse smiling so lovingly.
Fast forward to about one week later when a slimy, tatooed female came forward to say that he has been Jesse's lover for 11 months. While Sandra was filming The Blind Side on location, bad boy Jesse was screwing another woman. Poor Sandra waited years to find the right person to marry and as I understand it, she was even mom-like to Jesse's kid from his former wife.
Today, I heard on the radio that yet another whore is coming forward to say that she too slept with Jesse. Speculation is abound that Sandra is looking for a divorce attorney, but those close to her deny it. What's a woman to do in this situation? While she is totally humiliated, should she throw in the towel on this loser. Supposedly, Jesse has apologized for his wrong doings. Shades of Tiger Woods no doubt--another sex addicted man!!
About the same time as I was hearing the news on the radio about a second mistress, I was reading a study on marriages that were on the brink of divorce but for one reason or another did not go through with it. Guess what? All those that didn't get divorced, were much happier five years later. Their relationships were stronger just for weathering out the storm.
That made me really think about Sandra Bullock and wondered if their marriage had a chance to be successful five years down the road if she sticks with him. Part of me says that perhaps infidelity like that along with the public humiliation could be forgiven with time and extensive counseling but most of me says, give Jesse the boot. Does a beautiful, intelligent and rich lady such as Sandra need to be bothered trying to make a "real" man out of piece of crap. I wouldn't bother, would you? I just hope her heart heals quickly.
Fast forward to about one week later when a slimy, tatooed female came forward to say that he has been Jesse's lover for 11 months. While Sandra was filming The Blind Side on location, bad boy Jesse was screwing another woman. Poor Sandra waited years to find the right person to marry and as I understand it, she was even mom-like to Jesse's kid from his former wife.
Today, I heard on the radio that yet another whore is coming forward to say that she too slept with Jesse. Speculation is abound that Sandra is looking for a divorce attorney, but those close to her deny it. What's a woman to do in this situation? While she is totally humiliated, should she throw in the towel on this loser. Supposedly, Jesse has apologized for his wrong doings. Shades of Tiger Woods no doubt--another sex addicted man!!
About the same time as I was hearing the news on the radio about a second mistress, I was reading a study on marriages that were on the brink of divorce but for one reason or another did not go through with it. Guess what? All those that didn't get divorced, were much happier five years later. Their relationships were stronger just for weathering out the storm.
That made me really think about Sandra Bullock and wondered if their marriage had a chance to be successful five years down the road if she sticks with him. Part of me says that perhaps infidelity like that along with the public humiliation could be forgiven with time and extensive counseling but most of me says, give Jesse the boot. Does a beautiful, intelligent and rich lady such as Sandra need to be bothered trying to make a "real" man out of piece of crap. I wouldn't bother, would you? I just hope her heart heals quickly.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Do you know your spouse?
After years dating, living together and even being married, you would think that you "know" your partner pretty well, right? Why is it then, that a spouse may be shocked to discover that the mate has a "secret" obsession, or is engaging in some surprise behavior. Why is it too that after being married for 30+ years, you are stunned one day when your partner says he doesn't love you anymore and wants to move out?
When I was in undergraduate school, I wrote a paper entitled, "You Never Really Know Anyone Completely." After being married over 44 years, I really believe that my premise is true. I believe that there are things that I don't know about my husband and perhaps never will know. And, I am not sure I want to know everything either. Human beings are entitled to keep certain thoughts and feelings to themselves--and no matter how long you have been with a partner, some of these things may not be your business.
If thoughts and feelings are not shared, is that good? Well, that is up for debate. If thoughts are causing havoc or angst in a relationship, then sharing them may be the right course of action. If not, perhaps they should be left alone. If values are at stake, then sharing thoughts and feelings are important. Thus, if a partner is feeling estranged, it's necessary to be an open book. Otherwise, is it not fair.
Some young folks think that their partner should "never" keep any secrets. Sometimes, this faulty thinking causes too much prodding and poking and in itself may cause a bridge between partners. Just as some things are better left unsaid, so it is with thoughts and feelings--unless they will have a negative impact on the relationship.
Truth does have a place in a relationship as does honesty. It is just knowing the right time and place and realizing that you never know anyone completely.
When I was in undergraduate school, I wrote a paper entitled, "You Never Really Know Anyone Completely." After being married over 44 years, I really believe that my premise is true. I believe that there are things that I don't know about my husband and perhaps never will know. And, I am not sure I want to know everything either. Human beings are entitled to keep certain thoughts and feelings to themselves--and no matter how long you have been with a partner, some of these things may not be your business.
If thoughts and feelings are not shared, is that good? Well, that is up for debate. If thoughts are causing havoc or angst in a relationship, then sharing them may be the right course of action. If not, perhaps they should be left alone. If values are at stake, then sharing thoughts and feelings are important. Thus, if a partner is feeling estranged, it's necessary to be an open book. Otherwise, is it not fair.
Some young folks think that their partner should "never" keep any secrets. Sometimes, this faulty thinking causes too much prodding and poking and in itself may cause a bridge between partners. Just as some things are better left unsaid, so it is with thoughts and feelings--unless they will have a negative impact on the relationship.
Truth does have a place in a relationship as does honesty. It is just knowing the right time and place and realizing that you never know anyone completely.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Why Date Nights Are So Important to Married Couples
Think about your days before children. What did you and your spouse talk about? What important thoughts did you share with one another in your quiet moments?
Once you get married and have kids, it seems that all conversation centers around the kid(s). Your days and often your nights are about the caring for the kid(s). You and your spouse might even work all day and the only conversations you have are short calls or texts made from work.
I am so adament about having alone time with your spouse in the way of a "date night" that I just had to write about it here. Marriage takes lots of work and having a "date night" is what adds life to a marriage after the kid(s) arrive. I am not alone in this theory. Many marriage experts advocate date nights. And there are books/tapes about planning great date nights with your spouse.
Some states have started "date night" with a unique idea. You pay $10-$20 dollars for a one time "date night" card. Then you select from a list of restaurants that honor a "date night"-- which are typically weekdays when business is slow. You and your spouse go to one of these restaurants and bingo, you get a great discount on your meal--it may even be a buy one, get one meal. Hopefully more states will get into this soon.
It really doesn't matter where you go on a date night. It's just that you and your spouse have alone time in which you agree NOT to speak about the kid(s). You would be surprised how these quiet times can be really fun and help you reconnect with your spouse. A fringe benefit is that it can also lead to greater intimacy and a more exciting sex life. As the kid(s) get older, you and your spouse might even extend the "date night" to include a night away from the kid(s) entirely--such as staying at a hotel or swapping a home with another couple.
Use your imagination and have fun. Share the planning of the "date night" and make it a regular thing. You won't be disappointed I guarantee you!
Once you get married and have kids, it seems that all conversation centers around the kid(s). Your days and often your nights are about the caring for the kid(s). You and your spouse might even work all day and the only conversations you have are short calls or texts made from work.
I am so adament about having alone time with your spouse in the way of a "date night" that I just had to write about it here. Marriage takes lots of work and having a "date night" is what adds life to a marriage after the kid(s) arrive. I am not alone in this theory. Many marriage experts advocate date nights. And there are books/tapes about planning great date nights with your spouse.
Some states have started "date night" with a unique idea. You pay $10-$20 dollars for a one time "date night" card. Then you select from a list of restaurants that honor a "date night"-- which are typically weekdays when business is slow. You and your spouse go to one of these restaurants and bingo, you get a great discount on your meal--it may even be a buy one, get one meal. Hopefully more states will get into this soon.
It really doesn't matter where you go on a date night. It's just that you and your spouse have alone time in which you agree NOT to speak about the kid(s). You would be surprised how these quiet times can be really fun and help you reconnect with your spouse. A fringe benefit is that it can also lead to greater intimacy and a more exciting sex life. As the kid(s) get older, you and your spouse might even extend the "date night" to include a night away from the kid(s) entirely--such as staying at a hotel or swapping a home with another couple.
Use your imagination and have fun. Share the planning of the "date night" and make it a regular thing. You won't be disappointed I guarantee you!
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