Thoughts for the New Year

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

If God is for me, who can be against me?

Do not wish to be anything but what you are, but be that perfectly.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Dance like no one is looking.



I wish you all a healthy, happy and peaceful new year.

bev

Snowed in with your Spouse

It's snowing in the northeast today. Started last night and we have over 20 inches now. Thus, driving is out of the question even with a 4-wheel drive car. What's a couple to do?

If you have children at home with you, you've got your hand full. Surely kids want to get out in the snow and play or build a snowman. For a mom this means, dragging out all the layers of clothes, the mittens, boots, etc. You only hope that after dressing in kids in all these clothes, they stay out for at least some time. But, you could be wrong and there could be the little munchins knocking on the door ready to come in after just a few precious moments. They it's on to undressing them and putting wet clothes on something to dry.

However, if you are an empty nester, you are not so distracted by other people. You or your spouse may be the type to take an opportunity like today to work. It may be working at your job or working around the house. Or, you may take out a good book or watch a movie. If you have a hobby or love cooking or baking, this may be your opportunity to turn out a masterpiece.

But, if you are like me, you probaby used most of the day to snuggle with your partner. Looking out at the snow and snuggling is almost as good as sitting by the fireplace with a nice glass of wine or martini. It's also a great time to "reconnect" with a loved one by sharing what's in your heart and on the mind. It may also be a good day to call others who are also snowed in and tell them that you are thinking about them.

Regardless of what you do on days like this, look out your window and marvel at nature and it's beauty. My thoughts are with you wherever you are and whatever you are doing.

Empty Nest; Empty Marriage?

Raising children is time-consuming work. You are emotionally drained after dealing with teenagers. Intimacy has taken a back seat to real everyday isses. Then, kids go off to college or just off on their own. These transitional times are risky times in a marriage.

Years ago, after you raised your family, you had just a few good years of your life left. Didn't have to worry about the empty nest because people died young and the time between your kids leaving the nest and being six feet under were pretty close! Nowadays, that has all changed. A husband and wife can have more time alone after the kids leave than was spent raising them.

Couples need to take some initiative in revitalizing their marriage. Put "fun" back in your marriage. Have no common interests you say? Well, great time to take a class together. Learn something new together. Start a mutual hobby.

Let go of disappointments in your marriage. Maybe your life or marriage didn't turn out to be the panecea you were seeking. So what? If you haven't been such a great partner, ask for forgiveness. Take your partner as a package deal--the good points with the bad. Discuss common irritations and let go of others.

Talk about your future. Make plans. How's the level of friendship with your spouse? Long marital partners refer to other as friends. Kiss this friend for at least ten seconds every morning and evening and you will be surprised how long those ten seconds can seem if you haven't been kissing for that long.

I'd like to take credit for all these wonderful ideas, but I can't. David and Claudia Arp can. They've written a good book called "The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of Every Long-Term Marriage." I have also heard their cassette speaking about great dates for couples. Terrific ideas.

What's your take on these statistics?

In Sunday’s Post and according to a report by scholars and advocates of the Institute for American Values (IAV), the institution of marriage in the U.S. has steadily declined over the past four decades. The U.S. Marriage Index, the brainchild of the President of IAV attempts to quantify the health of marriage in the same way economists use leading indicators to determine the state of the country’s economy.

The index combined five stats:

• Percentage of adults between 20-54 who are married
• Percentage of adults who reported being “very happy” with their marriages
• Percentage of first marriages intact
• Percentage of births to married parents
• Percentage of children living with their own married parents

These stats combined to make up a composite score illustrating the state of America’s nuptial unions. In 1970 that score totaled 76.2 and by 2008, it dropped to 60.3.

Some of the clear cut changes from 1970 to 2008 were as follows:

1. In 1970, 90% of children were born to married parents; in 2008 it was 60%.
2. Of adults between the ages of 20-54, 78.6% were married in 1970; only 57.2% in 2008.
3. In 2008, only 61.2% of first marriages were intact compared to 77.4% in 1970.

Mr. Blankenhorn’s contention in validating these stats and finding them so relevant is his concern that “every single pathology or problem a child can experience—every single one—growing up outside of a married-couple home elevates the risk of experiencing not only emotional or behavioral problems, but of living in poverty. Also increased is a child’s likelihood to engage in premature sexual activity, to use drugs or to commit suicide.”

Blankenhorn also says that increases in divorce and in out-of-wedlock childbirth are the two factors that contributed most to the decline of the health of marriage in the last half century. The U.S. Marriage Index also includes 101 suggestions to strengthen marriage including creating community-base marriage mentoring programs, and encouraging government funding of marriage education.

What do you think of these statistics? Do they concern you?

What reallys counts in a relationship?

Over the many years I have been married and having observed other married persons, I would like to list a few qualities I think are necessary in order to achieve the likihood of a good, healthy relationship.

1. Trustworthiness: Do what you say you are going to do.

2. Respectfulness: Do not hurt the ones you care about with negativity and harsh words.

3. Compassion: Put yourself in another's shoes--the best that you can.

4. Humor: Realize that humor has a definite place in a good relationship.

5. Intimacy: Put down all barriers--if you don't feel safe, you have a problem.

6. Courtesy: Treat someone else as you would like to be treated.

7. Ability to Communicate: If you didn't learn as a child, it's not too late.

8. Responsibility: Be responsible for what you do and say.

9. Forgiveness: Learn to say you are sorry and when you say it, mean it.

10. Helpfulness: Be available to help others -- even when you think they least need it.

Do you have others to add? Please let me know what qualities you believe are necessary to have a successful, happy relationship.

Occasions

What do "occasions" have to do with marriage you ask? Everything! Why? Because occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, etc. are times when we can do something for the people we love. Sure you can do nice things everyday and shouldn't we all? The fact is that we don't. Thus, when holidays and occasions occur, it's nice to celebrate them--no matter how simple.

It doesn't have to be a Hallmark moment either. A handwritten card or note is just perfect as long as it says what you really feel. Ditto for gift giving. No need to spend lots of money to show someone you care about them. Just put thought into whatever you do or give. If you know that your partner has been overworked or stressed, perhaps they need some time off. And, you are available to help out with whatever is needed. Maybe your loved one has wanted you to "do" something out of the ordinary around the house. Offer to do it and see the great reception.

Use occasions to show others that they are not only thought about but cared about. If you have children, set an example for them by celebrating occasions. Let them be part of the card writing and gift selection. In this way, they will keep these traditions alive for their relationships. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Resources for Better Relationships

Fortunately, we live in the age of computers and with that capability come innumerable resources. When I was newly married and a new parent, I had to run to the library for any information I needed to address problems and concerns. My arms would be burdened carrying books on top of books. Ditto when I was in college and grad school. Now, our fingertips can glide over the computer keys and with the help of Google (bless it), we can find all kinds of articles and information on just about any subject you can think of.


Granted we cannot and should not trust everything and anything we read on the internet, but we can from reliable sources, of which there are many. And, we can access this material in privacy, day or night. Furthermore, one can access not only educational resources, but professional ones as well. Therefore, it is not prudent or necessary to feel as though you have to face issues entirely on your own nor do you have to tell your relatives or friends everything that you are feeling. You can and should find professionals to help you in crisis and hopefully, long before.
Oftentimes, the remedies to problems are simple steps but one just needs the guidance and confidence to take those steps. If you are having marriage/relationship problems, there are so many courses and books available to help.

There are also many wonderful websites where you can access information. Below are some I have use frequently and have found them extremely beneficial. I hope you will check them out for yourself. The first one is not only a website full of information, but offers a wonderful yearly Conference that covers just about anything in marriage or relationships that you could ever want to know and it is for professionals and laypersons alike.


http://www.smartmarriages.com/index.html Marriage Education Diane Sollee, Director
http://www.divorcebusting.com Avoid divorce Michelle Weiner Davis
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com Happy families Dr. Scott Haltzman
http://www.dearpeggy.com Infidelity Peggy Vaughn
http://www.drwaynedyer.com/daily-inspiration Inspiration Dr. Wayne Dyer
http://www.danielgoleman.info Emotional Intelligence Dr. Daniel Goleman
http://www.harvillehendrix.com Imago Therapy and more Dr. Harville Hendrix and wife, Helen Hunt
http://www.bullies2buddies.com Bullying Izzy Kalman
http://www.marriagealive.com/ Great Dates David and Claudia Arp

Sleeping Apart May be Good for your Marriage

Who would have thought that sleeping apart from your spouse might actually be good for your marriage? I can see that there is some doubt in your mind so let me explain a recent study out of Britain. Poor sleep increases your risk of depression, heart disease, stroke, respiratory failure and increases your risk of divorce and suicidal behavior. A large, Japanese study said that 7 ½ hours of sleep a night is optimal for good health.

Therefore, what do you do if sleeping with your spouse results in poor sleep for you? Two possibilities exist—get a larger bed such as a king size or super king size or sleep in separate room. If you are not bothered by any sleep issues with your partner, then don’t change a thing. However, if you share a small bed and your sleep is interrupted by your spouse’s movement in bed or by his/her exiting in the night for a bathroom break, then consider a larger bed or two separate mattresses put together. If your spouse keeps you awake at night with snoring, loud talking, etc., then perhaps it is time to move to another room.

Only about 8% of those in their 40s and 50s sleep in different rooms while more than 40% of those aged 70+ sleep apart. This could be because long established couples felt more secure about their relationships and bringing up the touchy subject of moving out of the marital bed is easier.

Sleeping apart doesn’t mean that there is no time for cuddling or sex. Both activities require one to be awake so they can be done “prior” to going to sleep—wherever that may be. Intimacy is important for emotional health, but good sleep is important for physical, emotional and mental health. You choose.

Cheating and Lying Don't Belong in a Relationship

Recently, I heard a story from a coworker about a man that she had dated for about seven years. Yes, I know what you're thinking now.....why would someone want to just "date" for seven years? I am not sure of that answer either except that the good thing was that they didn't live together.

At any rate, this coworker frequently saw her boyfriend with another woman. However the boyfriend told her that this woman was a cousin who had cancer and that it was his job to take care of her. The really significant time this "cousin" showed up was at a funeral that my coworker attended out of state for a relative of her boyfriend. She sat in the church pew with two other women, including the "cousin." Conversation began with these two other woman and both said they were dating my coworker's boyfriend. With that information, my coworker went ballistic and was escorted from the church. She also found out that her boyfriend's mother, who she had met many times over the years, knew all about her son dating three women at one time.

Logic might tell you that you should have seen signs of something way wrong. There had to be so many lies crossing your path day after day that you overlooked. What were the signs you missed and why? Were you so needy in the relationship that you were settling for beans? Today, she admits that she missed some clues/signs and feels very stupid about what she did. Even today, when this scumbag sees her, (he works nearby) he wants to engage her in conversation and she just pretends he is invisible.

The morale of this story is........don't be so starry eyed that you miss important details about the human being that you are seeing. When something in your gut doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Don't ignore clues or signs that your friend is lying or cheating. It's a painful way to end a relationship, but it would be far more painful had that relationship culminated in marriage or children.

In Sickness and in Health

Most marriage vows include something like "in sickness and in health." Few folks standing at the altar on their wedding day realize the magnitude of these words. Sure, they sound nice and certainly sound like the right thing to say, but how many really look at their partner and imagine what it would be like to have to take care of that partner in the event of their illness, serious or not.

A marriage is definitely "tested" by illness. Many marriages do not survive when one partner becomes seriously ill. The burden of caring for such a partner and dealing with the emotional and physical ups and downs just proves too much to handle. Similarly this happens when a child is seriously ill and also when a child dies. The stress of this situation very often causes the death of the marriage.

Thank goodness that in my 43 years of marriage, we have not been tested in that way although it doesn't preclude that we will go the rest of our lives without this issue. It's just a fact of life and things happen and you deal with them one day at a time--the best you can. Nontheless, what got me to think of this topic is because I am been ill the past few days with the mundane, yet painful urinary tract infection. I've been feeling lousy and have been passing on those vibes to my dear spouse--who has been trying to cope. He's not used to seeing me in bed and wants to assist, but really doesn't know how. To be honest, he's not the most nurturing of sorts (genetics, no doubt), but he has learned certain things from me about "being there for others when they are in need."

When he has been ill, my role as nurse immediately kicks in. That, plus my inherited role as mother, nuturer and counselor goes to work. No one has to tell me to provide whatever I can to make my spouse more confortable. It's just who I am.....in sickness and in health.

Thus, my suggestion to those beginning a relationship.......check out how your partner will react to you in times of stress, illness and frustration. Are they loving, caring, empathetic and will they be there to do whatever they can to help you? If you don't know this, do not begin a permanent or long-term relationship. It is evitable that sometime down the path of life, you will need a partner to "give" to you in ways they never thought that they could or would have to. These are little tests in life and little tests that should be passed in a relationship.

"In sickness and in health" are simplistic words with great meaning. Heed them.

Criticism – Does it Have a Place in Relationships?


No one says things or does things to our liking all the time. We are human and oftentimes feel that our way is the “best” way. Therefore as one gets more and more comfortable in a relationship, it becomes easier to want to critique a partner. We begin to feel it is our “job” so to speak. But, don’t you remember your mom’s good old-fashioned words that said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything.” While I don’t agree that this would be realistic in a relationship past the honeymoon phase, I will say that criticism has a time and place in a relationship as long as the message is delivered with respect and love.

Never should criticism be doled out in a fit of anger, nor should it be “brown bagged” and emptied in a shouting match. Criticism should be thought out prior to opening one’s mouth. After all, the goal is to express your desires for change in a loving and open manner. Change is not always wanted by both parties either.
Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you.” Therefore, you should never allow criticism to be bestowed upon you in a demeaning way. You must nip it in the bud. Tell your partner and you are open to criticism if it can be generated with thought, care and respect. No one wants to be emotionally abused and allowing your mate to constantly criticize is exactly what emotional abuse is. If you ever feel that your self-esteem and self-confidence is being threatened, it is time to have a serious talk with your partner.

Life isn’t about getting one’s way all the time. Compromise within a relationship is a given. If you are handed a criticism that doesn’t feel good to you—then it isn’t good for you. Using the “when”…..”I feel” message is a good way to handle this. In other words, your mate is criticizing the way you load the dishwasher, make the bed, etc. You say, “When you tell me how to load the dishwasher, I feel hurt--like a child who doesn’t have a brain. You could go on to say, “You might have a better way of loading the dishwasher than I do and I would be happy if you could show me or just let it go. After all, is it more important to have the dishwasher loaded just the way you like it, or for us to be happy and respectful together. If it so important to you, perhaps that should be one of your household duties.”

I use this simplistic example as a way to show that criticism always evokes a feeling—usually a negative one. Therefore, one must learn how to express the results of the criticism so that tension and anger do not have a chance to build up. Instead of retaliating, we want to let the partner know how you feel when you are being criticized. After a relationship has lasted for years, two people might even be able to laugh over their pettiness. However, in the meantime, don’t let criticism go by unattended. It can break a loving relationship unnecessarily.

Don't Miss a Moment

Sometimes in marriage, as in life, some things just slip away. You hardly notice what you are missing. You become so involved in day to day living and the mundane, that you no longer recognize the small things in a relationship. We do, however, dwell on the big things, but it’s the smaller things (like the small part of a puzzle that make it whole). Hopefully, if you are in a new relationship, you are aware of all things—big and small—and appreciate all that makes up these things.

It is, nonetheless, when a relationship gets “older” that one dwells on the big picture, which can often be very good or very poor. Little things that a partner does to make you content or happy are oftentimes overlooked. Jobs, finances and certainly children are the large items that make up most of our waking hours—both physically and mentally. We begin to use negative terms such as “Joe never takes out the trash” or “Sue always burns the dinner.” It’s this all or nothing mentality that gets partners into real trouble. Black and white thinking has little place in a relationship and certainly not within a marriage. There are many shades of grey that should not be overlooked.

And, just as life changes……..so does a marriage. There are highs and lows, peaks and valleys. There is sadness and joy, immeasurable even in large doses. We get wrapped up in expectations that hold no realism. We expect our partner to understand and read our minds because to us the feelings are so obvious. I am been married a long time, so I know about what I write.

Think about your life and relationships as moments in time--moments to be treasured just because we are able to experience them. Not because we think we deserve them or someone owes them to us. Every relationship has something to offer us that enable us to grow, even if we deem it a negative one. Start looking at your partner as if you are seeing them as you did on your first date. What attracted you to him/her? What were the things that you exchanged that created your bond? What did you laugh at? What made you sad? Don’t miss another moment--even if things have changed. Appreciate each moment.

Two Interesting Facts about Marriage

I learned two facts recently that I thought I'd share with you. These are interesting to think about, so please let me know what you think. Do you agree?

1. Fifty percent of marriages end in the first 4 years. People have hardly gotten to know each other in four years. I asked my relative who is a divorce attorney if he agreed with this fact and he added that he thought it was true because in the state of Maryland, couples married just six little years constitutes a "long" marriage according to judges.

I don't know what percentage of these marriages have children, but I would guess that having children "before" you even know your partner is a really bad idea. Children put loads of stress on a marriage because of all the changes involved in becoming parents--let alone all the responsibilities.

2. If partners in a marriage are having problems, but one refuses to go for counseling, does it pay to have one person go to counseling? Doesn't it take two to tango? Many couples therapists would ideally like to see both partners; however, if one goes for counseling and can make some changes in the relationship, these changes might turn the table on the problem. If a partner makes a significant change, it may envitably cause a change in the other person.

However, if we are speaking about drug abuse, physical abuse, alcoholism, or infidelity, other resources and counseling methods are needed.

Friends Can Enhance Your Relationships

It's no surprise that social relationships are important for good physical and emotional health. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that friendships are important within a marriage or any relationship. Studies have shown (and you can gather from my other posts that I dig "studies") people with lots of social contacts and friendships not only live longer lives, but the quality of their lives are better. They are basically happier individuals.

When a couple is in a comitted relationship, isolating yourselves from your family and friends is not a good idea. In fact, abusive spouses often want to isolate their mates from family and friends as a way of controlling their spouses. This behavior is a huge red flag in a relationship and if you find that your spouse is trying to control your outside relationships with friends and family, it's time to quickly seek counseling or run for the hills.

Friends and family are usually a wonderful adjunct to a relationship. If nothing else, it creates cause for discussion with your mate. Afterall, what's more fun than talking about your family and friends after you leave their company? Seeing how others interact with each other, whether within the context of family or friends, is a good barometer to measure your own interactions with your mate. Observing other's not so terrific behavior is a great way to discuss what is or is not acceptable in your own lives. Since the male species may find it difficult to communicate their own feelings, talking about other people helps a female get a handle on their partners perspective on many important issues.

And, friends are just fun to hang out with--keeps a couple from getting bored. Sharing a movie, meal or just a drink with others is good for you individually and collectively. If you have moved away from old friends/family, seek new relationships at work, church, or even the grocery store. It's harder to form new friendships these days, but don't give up. It's a terrific way to keep yourself and your relationship interesting and refreshed.

I Gotta Be Me

I love old songs. Frankly, they don't write lyrics as they did years ago. Not only did the words rhyme (like in old poetry), but the lyrics made good sense. A song by Sammy Davis, Jr. recently popped into my head this weekend. I guess it was because my husband and I were speaking about couples who have been married many years and how they have adapted to each other over the years. The song is "I Gotta Be Me."

It begins, "Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong, Whether I find a place in this world or never belong, I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me, What else can I be but what I am." The ending words are dyamite too...."I can't be right for someone else, if I'm not right for me."

It's only after years of marriage that couples really get comfortable enough to be who they are....to let their true feelings be known. It's a really secure place to be who you are with no fears of reprisal or having to put on several faces to be happy. As as the lyrics state, if you can't be right for yourself, you can't be right for anyone else either.

I wish young couples would be who they really are before marriage. Even living together does not always allow mates to be free to be who they are. In this society, we learn to put on masks. Hide disappointments, sadness and mistakes. At some point, pretending just doesn't work. Everyone gets tired of acting and even if they don't, the other partner may be astute enough to read behind the lines and masks.

Another saying I learned years ago that has also served me well both as a member of the union of marriage and a member of life....."Do not wish to be anyone but who you are, but be that perfectly."

Love at Various Stages

I am going to relate this article to some recent "celebrities" in the news in the past few weeks.

Love Lost - Jon and Kate Gosselin have been in the news a lot in the past several weeks. Stars of their own reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus Eight", the couple who has been married for 10 years recently filed for divorce. Jon was accused of having an affair with a young woman he met at a bar. Voyeurs looking at their relationship have seen Kate as a very opinionated, domineering woman and Jon as a emasculated male with no job or real life. He was married young and shortly thereafter strapped with 8 children and a reality TV show. Neither Jon or Kate knew what to do with all the fame nor all the money that the show brought in.

Love Can't Wait - Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer last week after a valiant 3 year fight. By her side was the love of her life (for 25 years), Ryan O'Neill. She had a son with Ryan although they never married. He spoke about his desire to marry Farrah when and if she could say "I do." Unfortunately, she was too drugged with pain medication to ever recover enough for anything, including getting married.

Love Gone Astray - Surprised we shouldn't be when politicians are caught having extramarital affairs. After all, this activity is as old as time itself. So, when Cong. Sanford was caught last week in Argentina with his mistress when he was supposed to be hiking, it wasn't really big news. This time, we didn't see his wife, Jenny standing beside him as he let America know he made a mistake. However, taxpayers could have been taken aghast when finding out that our money was used for this trip abroad.

What we see here is "love" in various stages of ruin. Sure, these folks were all famous and perhaps we can't even identify with them or their issues. But, we should because these flaws in love and relationships happen everyday and we certainly are not immune. Jon and Kate could and should have taken the moral high road and stopped taping the show to work on their marriage and their commitment for the sake of those eight little children. Farrah and Ryan should have acknowledged their love years before her death. I guess they were too busy with their careers to have time for marriage and commitment also. Time moved on and tragedy prevented their union. Mark and Jenny Sanford needed to work on their marriage for the sake of their 4 kids. We can't keep excusing our politicians from leading a honest, decent relationship with their wives but we do. Love does change and does go through stages, but it should never go through these three stages.

Middle Age Crazies

They say that both men and women go through a mid life crisis. With women, it appears that the mid life crisis usually comes at the time of perimenopause and menopause. With the hormones fluctuating so and estrogen levels lowering, it's no wonder why a woman can go from a pleasant, loving woman to a bitchy, unstable person. Plus, a woman is probably undergoing numerous physical changes due to the hormonal ups and downs. Hot flashes, lack of sleep, bloating, breast soreness and lack of libido can indeed cause problems to both the husband and wife.

So what's with men when they have a mid life crisis? Are their levels of testosterone lowering causing them to feel more insecure and less virile? Is that why men at this time of life want a new sexy sports car or worse yet, some sexy younger woman?

It's really important that within the context of marriage and a functional husband/wife relationship, both partners are aware of changes that come with mid life crises. Tolerance, empathy and understanding are the keys to getting through this period of life. If a husband or wife are feeling less than whole, it's up to the partner to help the other get through this vulnerable time. Even if you want to wring the neck of your partner, step inside their mind. and understand that they may have little control of their emotions. Allow them to express their feelings even if you can't really understand them.

This time of life is a natural occurrence in both men and women. It's how you cope and how you support your spouse through these times that can make the difference in whether your marriage can last and flourish.

Never My Love

The singing group, the Associations, had a good song called "Never My Love". I've been thinking about it for the last two days. The first line goes "you ask me if they'll come a time when I'll grow tired of you." The reprise is "never my love, never my love." This leads me to the wonderment of what constitutes getting tired of someone you love?

Afterall, when you have been married more than half your life like I have and you're pass the half century mark, that's a long time. One gets tired of their cars, their furniture, their hairdo, and many other things, so why not a long, familiar spouse? Sex isn't new or terribly exciting anymore either. You might even be able to finish each other's sentences and if you are lucky enough to be married to a funny person, you probably already know the punchlines to their jokes.

Frankly, getting tired of a spouse after many years is a distinct possibility. In today's society, it appears to be happening earlier and earlier in marriages. Disengagement, disconnection as well as disappointment occurs sooner than later according to divorce statistics. It drives couples apart and who knows why other couples can keep the "d" words at bay. What does it take to keep a marriage interesting, fresh and exciting after decades of familiarity? Or is it really necessary anyway when you are in love and committed to grow old together? After I have been married for 50 years, I'll let you know.

Is Marriage a 50/50 Deal?

It used to be that sociologists suggested that in order to be successful in marriage, each partner had to give 50%. It was like marriage as a mathematical problem in which if each gives 50/50, the 100% will make everything terrific. In practice, marriage is hardly ever a 50/50 experience. Sure, you might say that if I cook dinner and my husband cleans up, that is a 50/50 deal. However, what if I slaved in the kitchen all day preparing this dinner (which was preceded by a huge grocery store shopping trip) and the clean up was minimal and would take a whole 20 minutes at best? Would this still be a 50/50 mathematical equation that would be equitable for both parties?

Life is not a mathematical expression, other than the fact that we add another year to our lives with each birthday. Marriage is a relationship that doesn't involve math. It involves the needs of both husband and wife. It is doing what works to make the relationship stronger. If you have to "give" 80% on some days while your partner gets by with giving 20%, so what? Therefore, marriage is not a game that requires scorekeeping. In fact, keeping score in a marriage is not good. It's like brownbagging, a term whereby each partner saves up issues (in a bag), to be opened whenever an argument ensues and one partner needs more amunition to win the argument. Neither brownbagging nor keeping score is the healthy thing to do to strengthen a marriage.

The best way for couples to get along without keeping score, is to express in constructive ways what each partner needs--whether it means emotional, physical or financial help. Be gentle and loving with your requests and be appreciative and caring with your responses. Teach your children by example so that they learn that in marriage, as in life, it's not about winning (or scorekeeping); rather it's how you play.

Value Your Differences

Hopefully, you didn't marry someone just like yourself. I guess you can be happy with someone just like yourself if you love yourself, but that would seem to get boring after several years, wouldn't it? On the other hand, if you are an introvert, let's say, and you married an extrovert, you will never have to suffer with long bouts of silence on a road trip! Long road trips without any conversation can be weird unless you have kids or the radio as your companion.

Consider this, you are a morning person and your spouse is not. You awake cheerful, chatty and ready to face the day. Your spouse is silent, slightly cranky and would like not to have to deal with this morning or any other one. Thus, the cheery mate can make some nice coffee for the cranky one, even crack a joke or two and keep the morning interesting. Eventually, mr. or mrs. cranky can learn that the morning is not such a horrible time of day. In the evening when mrs. cheerful is ready to wind down and conversation and animation slows down, mr. cranky is now happy and eager to please.

The point here is that diversity in marriage can be good. One doesn't have to be so similar as to be boring. You can probably learn lots more from an opposite personality. Value your differences and learn to adapt and compromise when the little annoyances of a relationship get to you. In the long run, you will get to be more like each as you share experiences, intimacy and respect. It can be fun too.

Near Menopause -- Ladies, Please Pay Attention

I am not a medical doctor, so don't ever replace my words for a doctor's judgement. However, I want to make all women, near, at or post menopausal, that ovarian cancer is a serious, oftentimes, fatal disease that we need to be aware of.

It is particularly true if you have a first line relative (mom or sister) with either breast or ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer, unfortunately has few, if any symptoms until it is too late to be treated. A GYN can do the yearly exam, including Pap smear, without a real way to detect a tumor in the ovaries--particularly if the patient is not an eighty pound female (and few of us are). That's why I encourage patients to ask their doctor about having a sonogram of their ovaries. If the doctor can't justify it for insurance purposes, then a woman should incur the expense anyway. It could be well worth it if it can save your life.

An ovarian tumor, found early before it has spread, can be removed and life can go on happily. As I mentioned, the symptoms of ovarian cancer such as bloating, pain on intercourse, change in bladder or bowel habits, can be signs of many other benign conditions. Ironically, most male doctors, in particular, will minimize the need to check for ovarian cancer because they feel that it is so rare. Nonetheless, it is not that rare. If you have never had children or had them late in life, your chances of getting ovarian cancer increases.

Therefore, when you get your next check up, ask about a sonogram of your ovaries. The test takes about 15 minutes and is painless. They do put a probe into your vaginal, but it is not painful and it is to allow them to get a good view of the uterus and ovaries. There is a blood test called CA 125, it is not conclusive and has false positives.

Whatever you choose, it's better than nothing and if we women aren't our own advocates for fighting ovarian cancer, no one will be. Remember, Gilda Ratner.....she wasn't even menopause age, but she had no children. Let's work together also to encourage researchers to find a cure for ovarian cancer, but in the meantime, let's be smart and safe.

Marriage and Children, Must They Go Together?

Back in the old days when I was a kid, children born to a male and female who were not married, was called having children "out of wedlock". Now that expression seems older than I am! Fewer people are getting married than ever and childbearing years have expanded into the 40's. Seems a bit strange that things have turned around so much in the last 20 years.

Does a child need a two-parent home or is it just a luxury like having 5 TVs in one household or giving a cellphone to a 10-year old child? When I see a single mom who has worked all day and then must go home and solely care for children, I can't help but wonder what "quality" time she has left to give to the children. Sure, there are supermoms and superdads, but I believe that they are few and far between.

Freud spoke about the various stages that children go through as they grow into adulthood. At some point in a child's life, they identify with the same sex parent and this parent becomes a role model for their healthy development. How does this happen in a single mom's home with a male child? Yes, they can have another male figure to model after, but is it the same as an old fashioned father who shares a loving home with a mother?

Frankly, I am in a quandry over this. There are many, many well-educated, mentally healthy, successful adults who were raised in a one-parent home. What is the main factor then that is in force in producing such offspring? Have any ideas--please enlighten this old grandma, will ya?

Marriage for anyone?

Wait a minute........is marriage only a union between a man and a woman? Obviously certain states believe that it is so. Religious leaders and conservatives agree that all other unions are not to be sanctioned. But what is marriage anyway and why do some want to marry and others not? Aren't all who are in love want to make it legal and marry? Should they be allowed to become a union that is recognized under the law?

These are social issues debated long ago and today. Freud spoke about homosexuality several years ago and it is still discussed today. Society evolves and changes and so does the thinking of mankind. What do you think? Let me know.

Marriage and Movies

I had the pleasure of seeing the movie, "Marley and Me." I would particularly recommend it if you are married and if you love animals. It's the story of a young couple who gets a puppy, a beautiful Labrador, and how this bad puppy causes so much havoc but grows with the family through the years. You see the young couple go through many professional and personal changes as they grow from just a couple to a family of three kids. At one point in the marriage, things gets tense and the motto is "Mend it, don't end it." If more marrieds followed their mantra, there were undoubtedly be less divorces.

Another movie I would hidely recommend for married couples to see is "Fireproof." It's about a couple who is having difficult times in their marriage and the husband see advice from his father. The father shares with his son about 30 techniques he should try to help rescue his marriage. Some work, some do not. However, the premise is wise. The movie has some Christian overtones and has been sanctioned by the church, but it is valuable for everyone to see.

Enjoy this Memorial Day and catch a good movie if you can!

Boredom in Marriage

New research out found that boredom in marriage, particularly at the 7-year mark, is a strong predictor of future unhappiness and loss of intimacy 9 years later. So, what can one do to keep a marriage from getting boring? First, as a female, don't be so predictable. Do something out of the ordinary. Hopefully, nothing that would impact the marriage negatively, of course. If you are a male, and let's say you never bring your wife anything, bring her flowers after a day at work. Even if it is just one rose. Never do the laundry? One day, put a load in the washing machine for her. A truly sexy man is one who can do laundry and vacuum!!!

Along with keeping your marriage alive would be getting away from the home on occasion. Book a motel for a night and if you have children, get someone to stay with the kids or farm them out to friends and relatives. You'd be surprised how refreshed you and your marriage will feel when you can spend some time alone with your spouse. (No speaking about the kids allowed.) If you can't get away, certainly make a regular date night. Arrange with friends who also have children to exchange babysitting so no money is involved.

Work on keeping excitement alive and well in your marriage. I truly believe it can be a marriage saver.

Marriage and In-Laws

When you get married, you are so infatuated with your new mate, that you seldom think about the extended family you are marrying also. That's why I recommend marrying an orphan! The "in-law" thing is very complicated and very sensitive. Mother-in-laws get the worse rap, followed by daughter-in-laws. If you are a mother-in-law with a great relationship with your daughter-in-law, consider yourself one of a few elite human beings. You have a DIL that is not afraid of you nor your relationship with your son.

If I went back to graduate school to get a Ph.D., it would probably be trying to understand why the inlaw thing is so antagonistic and difficult.

The one bit of amateur advice I have is try to get to know each other as individuals--not as assigned relatives. Find a common goal, if nothing more than a resolution to get along for the sake of family. I'll have more on this topic throughout the year because it's truly fascinating to me. If you are one of the lucky ones to have a great relationship with or as an inlaw, please comment.

Humor and Marriage

Does humor have a place in marriage? What's so funny anyway? Actually, humor belongs in most places--except perhaps at a funeral. Two people that live together day in and day out and face everyday issues of life, need some humor. You need to let your hair down and be silly at times. It keeps a relationship honest and loving. It also keeps one's marriage from getting boring. Plus, as everyone knows, laughter is good for you.

If you or your spouse are not folks that laugh easily, then learn how. Watch funny movies together. Read aloud from joke books. Do whatever you have to to learn how to laugh at funny things and better yet, to laugh at yourself. If we take ourselves too seriously, we are doomed to become depressed because we are not flawless human beings. You can hold yourself to high standards, but laugh at your shortcomings.

Marriage and Mother's Day (other holidays too)

One thing I've learned over the many years of marriage is that a spouse, particularly female, never gets tired of being recognized on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. In fact, it's a real disappointment when a spouse and or children completely forget or minimize such an occasion. If it's Mother's Day we are talking about, fathers should teach their children early on that on that day, mother will be treated as special with cards, gifts, and lots of affection. It's not necessary to spend lots of money either for a homemade card or gift is just as significant. The same applies to Father's Day. A dad should not be forgotten on his day.

Birthdays should be celebrated as well. What these shows of acknowledgement do is solidify love and caring and you can't do this too much in marriage or any meaningful relationship. Life often gets in the way of telling your love ones how much they mean. Perhaps that is why Hallmark came up with so many reasons to celebrate occasions.

Anniversaries too need celebrating--even if it means a walk in the park or breakfast in bed. Showing courtesy to those you care about goes a long, long way. Try it and you will see unbelievable results.

Marriage Necessities-Resisting and Resilience

Resist - dictionary says "oppose actively." Resilience - dictionary says "ability to recover quickly from illness, change or misfortune.

Enter, Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards and Mrs. Kate Gosselin..........two recent TV interviewees. Both married to handsome, intelligent men. Both suffering immensely because of their mates. John Edwards met his mistress when she saw him outside of a restaurant and went up to him and told him, "you are so hot." Clearly, John couldn't resist wanting to hop in bed to prove he was just that hot. His ego, which you would think would be large as a politician, needed the reinforcement from a complete stranger. Now, his wife, facing life threatening cancer, shows resilience and has just completed a book by the same title.

Kate Gosselin and her husband, Jon, stars of their own reality show, "Jon and Kate Plus Eight, "are fighting similar hurdles. Jon has been in the news and tabloids recently as having an affair with a younger woman while Kate was out of town. Jon, too, could not resist the lust or temptation and has caused his wife tremendous hurt. It doesn't really matter if like John Edwards, he had a sexual affair or not. Kate Gosselin will now have to muster up the same resilience that Elizabeth Edwards possesses. It's all so unnecessary.

On Challenging Days, Dig Deep

Marriage is no different than any other "condition" or "state of being". Some days are rewarding and fulfilling and other days are plain out rough and challenging. You mental state has a lot to do with how you feel about any situation. If you are relaxed and content, challenges that come up in everyday living, including marriage, are dealt with in a more functional way.

Thus, if you have had a stressful day at work or at home, it's not the time to "discuss" a habit that your spouse has that has been annoying to you. Plan on engaging in this discussion another day. Dirty socks thrown on the bedroom floor can wait another day! Remember too, whenever you get into a meaningful discussion of "annoying habits," that you too have some. In fact, we all do. Is it even worth discussing period? It is something that on good days you can live with? If so, why not forget it? Save your battles for really important issues.

As Dr. Phil says, there are certain "deal breakers" in a marriage such as physical or emotional abuse or addictions. I am not talking about these tremendous obstacles. (I will, another time.) I am talking about the right time to discuss everyday annoyances and issues. Pick your day and pick your mood. It will make challenging days less frequent.

Listening - Key to Marital Contentment

Nothing feels better than being listened to. Nothing makes you feel more respected and more loved than being listened to by your mate. Always make time in your day for a least a few minutes of conversation. Practice listening to your mate speak. No response allowed (at first). Just look your spouse in the eyes and nod in agreement. When you get really skilled in the basics, then it's time to learn the true art of listening in giving feedback in a positive way. Making your partner feel "heard" is a skill that will last a lifetime and will keep your marriage going about that long as well.

More on the subject another time. I must listen to my spouse now--and no interruptions allowed!!

Show Me the Money Honey

Couples frequently argue about money. It's probably one of the most "touchy" things that couples talk about that leads to ugliness. Even in good economic times, which we all know is not now. We have unemployment at incredible rates and we've seen our property values plummet along with our retirement funds.

So what's a couple to do with all the stress they feel surrounding money? First of all recognize that how we view financial issues, along with our spending habits, were established in childhood by our parents. Your partner is not going to change his/her habits just because your income is less, are they?

Here's some suggestions regarding the fragile subject of money:

Again, I suggest that you remember the "good" times of your married life and what attracted you to your partner. Discuss finances when you are both calm, relaxed and feeling intimate. Don't get into yelling or name-calling ever. Try to find compromises on spending. Keep these discussions brief and to the point. No brown-bagging please.

If you join together as a positive force, you can build a stronger marital relationship and your finances will follow suit.

Marriage and Monogamy

I couldn't really speak about marriage without addressing "monogramy" could I? In the past week, I learned that 3 young couples, one with a baby as young as 18 mos. are calling it quits. In two cases, the men wanted out and in one, the woman did. In one case, the man wanted to live for another woman he met at work. The woman said she wanted to "find herself" and I am not sure about the other man.

Marriage can be a transient relationship. Mates can always come and go. And, I do believe that there are many people out there that you can be attracted to so there is no one person for every human.

Frankly, if two people can marriage and want to ditch the relationship, I say "go for it. " However, if there are children, I say "stop and think" and then "think some more." Staying for the children is not a good idea, but staying because you made a commitment to each other is. Hopefully, there was something that drew you to your partner. Even if it was only hormones!!

Remember what it was that you found so loving and endearing about your mate. Was it their laugh, their smile, their empathy, or was it just the fact that they loved you enough to say "I do?
Even though I am a counselor by education, I tell couples not to rush for therapy right away. Try to talk and make special time to express and understand each other's needs in the relationship. What need is no longer being met? What words have been said in a fight that one needs a sincere apology for? Who's being neglected or taken for granted?

The reason I don't advocate seeking counseling right away is that unless you are each seen separately for a while before you begin couples therapy (this method I believe is best), marriage counseling is a time for each person to address the negative qualities of the partner. It's a "she said, he said" kind of activity that usually results in having your dirty laundry aired in front of a third party and the offender is going to be even more offended.

Marriage, as in life, has its ups and downs. Marriage requires work and there is no way around it. If you work hard in your job, you are usually happier and more successful. The same is true of marriage.

marriage and motherhood

It's always strange to me when I hear that a couple is going to have a baby to "bring them closer." Closer to what?? Dirty diapers and smelly baby bottles? Having a child is one of the most stressgful events period and thinking that it will bring you and your spouse together is crazy. A marriage goes through enormous stress when a baby enters into the picture. And, if it's a first baby, it's a real endurance test for a marriage.

Children are work for of all, and secondly children change the dynamics of couplehood. Two people are now three and you know what they say about a threesome...........It's a triangle that will need time to adjust to. Couples should never forget that they were friends and lovers before the baby and must work hard to be that after a baby comes. Make time as a couple at least once a week. Arrange a date night and for heaven's sake, decide that you will not talk about the baby dirty diapers or bottles. And, men........please give your wife a chance to recover from the change in hormones after pregnancy and delivery.

Menopause, now I know why they call it the change of life!

Menopause.......what was all that crap about it being the "best" time of a woman's life??? Who are they kidding. Oh yes, most of the time, the kids have finally left the nest (or perhaps have now returned), and you and spouse can chase each other around the house naked. Wow, what a disgusting picture that would be. And, what happens when we catch each other? Same ole story, too tired for sex and who desires it anyway anymore.

Reflect on those earlier years when just the sight of each other caused those hormones to surge big time. You both couldn't wait to get naked. Then all sweaty. Speaking of sweats........I get sweaty without running around the house and without sex. My internal temperature can go up and down in a flash. I wish my libido could!

When times get bad, a marriage can get stronger

Don't let all the bad news about families scare you. Yes, three young married men killed themselves over the last week. Two of the men killed their families as well. This should not be happening. Men need to communicate within a marriage and when times are bad, physically, emotionally or financially, these are the times to open up and share with the one partner who is safe and that is your spouse. And wives, don't take your husband's issues lightly. If you see any behavior which doesn't seem right to you, then trust your intuition and get help for your partner. It may even mean dragging him, kicking and screaming to an emergency room. Money can come and go in a flash, commitment and love are everlasting if you always keep the lines of communication open. Marriages come out stronger after adversities. Just reach out.

If you think marriage is easy, think again!

Marriage is work--plain and simple. After the hormone surge dies down and picking up dirty clothes off the floor is no longer "fun", there's serious work to be done to keep the marriage intact and even make it more enjoyable, let alone bearable.

I know because I have been married 43 years. Got any issues, ask me. I have the answers because I also have an M.S. in counseling from John Hopkins University!